A Summer Vacation Guide  
It’s time to start thinking about your summer vacation. Face it, the world's largest ball of ear wax was fun once, but you need something different to do. So put down that travel brochure and call the family together. Just wait until they hear that you’re going to Museum of Foreign Debt. Or Dickensworld. Don't worry, they'll perk up when they find out you'll stop for a 10.5-lb Beer Barrel Belly Buster burger. Yum!

Women Are From Venus, Men Love to Cook Out
Summer's the time of the year when our thoughts turn to lying on the beach, getting a tan, taking long walks in the late evening sun, and pulling out the grill and charring anything that will sit still long enough to be marinated, including beef, chicken, Uncle Al, the dog, and whoever it is at the radio station who seems to think we want to hear that stupid sunscreen song every hour. As if anyone with more than three brain cells even wanted to hear it a second time.

A Few Words Before You Graduate
Graduation Day is an event full of pomp, circumstance, and sheepskin diplomas that conveniently come with the messy wool already shorn so you don't have to comb it before you have it framed. Not to mention the stern lecture from Mom about how a cap and gown doesn't mean a backwards baseball cap and a night gown. But before you pass through the collegiate portals into the brave new world that awaits you — known in many cultures as “waiting for retirement” — there's one more obstacle you have to get through: the graduation speaker.

Roughing It
This past weekend I went on my first camping trip in more years than I care to think about and I’m happy to report that I not only survived but had a good time. It might have been the fresh air. It might have been the good company. It could be the lingering effects of the tequila-drenched campfire sing-along that covered every song K-tel ever put on a compilation as well as a Flemish version of "The Itsy Bitsy Spider." But deep down inside I suspect it had a lot to do with the fact that there were bathrooms 50 yards away.

Yard Sale Catharsis
I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about a yard sale that attracts people like Bill Clinton attracts special prosecutors. For me the yard sale served one purpose—I’m moving and didn’t want to take all this junk with me. For yard salers it serves another—the fulfillment of a mission. 

Hot Enough For Ya?
We’ve always been told it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity. Well, it turns out it’s neither—it’s the heat index. The heat index is the wind chill factor’s evil twin. The minute they break out this agony yardstick you can bet there’s only one real description for the weather: Totally uncalled for.

A Summer Vacation Guide
This year it’s time to do something a little different, to break out of that rut and forget about going to Disneyland for the umpteenth time. To cancel those reservations at Lake Fertilizer-Runoff. Been there, done that, got the glow-in-the-dark complexion to prove it. And whatever you do, don’t even think about going camping—if we were supposed to live outdoors in tents God wouldn’t have invented Motel 6. That’s why I’ve put together a few suggestions and pointers which will help you find new and fun things to do this vacation.

If God Was My Caddie
I played my first round of golf the other day and I have to say I didn’t embarrass myself. Too badly. My only disappointment was that in nine holes I didn’t hit a hole in one. True the odds of an amateur doing this are 1 in 12,600, but Cardinal Adam Maida of Detroit did it. Of course I'm sure it helps to have good friends in high places.

Summer vacations and summer not
Open your notebooks class, it’s time to write that traditional back-to-school essay about what you did on your summer vacation. If you were lucky like Chelsea Clinton you got to travel. Or maybe you spent it trying to meet members of the opposite sex by SpeedDating. Eva Brugeura of Palo Alto, California spent her summer turning kitchen appliances on their side. And in Iowa people flocked to Nehama to watch tractor square dancing. Hey, it beats staying home and repainting the barbecue grill. Again.

Deck the Halls With Boughs of Flip-Flops
I’m in Florida and I can’t find a pair of men’s flip-flops.  Sure it's September and getting cool in most of the country, but the temperature here is in the upper 80’s and the beaches are crowded. It's like January when you can't find a winter coat. Or August when it's hot and there's not a bathing suit to be found. That's why I'm going to start a  chain of stores. Look for Off Season, coming to a mall near you soon.

Eat, Drink and Be Stuffed
Eating contests have become very popular. Takeru Kobayashi won the Nathan’s Famous hot dog eating contest by downing 44½ hot dogs in 12 minutes, while Eric Booker ate 21 matzo balls in 5½ minutes. Don't be surprised if competitive eating becomes an Olympic event. At least it would be something we could all relate to, unlike those where you have to train hard, be in shape, and actually exercise.