The Winner Is....Everyone
by Mad Dog
They give out the Golden Globe, Golden Eagle,
Golden Raspberry, Golden Ring, Golden Satellite, and Golden Trailer, which contrary to
what youre thinking doesnt honor movies made in Arkansas.
|| The Grammies are over and the Academy Awards will be here before you know it.
If it feels like were being bombarded with awards shows, well, we are. According to
Variety there were 332 entertainment awards ceremonies last year, which is up from a
measly 252 the previous year. To put this in perspective, if you were to lay the trophies
handed out in the past twelve months end-to-end starting at Hollywood Boulevard
theyd all be pawned by Jan-Michael Vincent before you reached Sunset Boulevard.
Think about it: thats nearly one awards
ceremony a day. If experts say its not necessary to take a vitamin pill once a day,
why in the world would anyone think we need an awards ceremony that often? After all, this
means at least a half dozen people a day are thanking god for their award, as if
he/she/its a voting member of the Academy and has nothing better to do than wade
through a stack of movies to decide who should win Best Special Effects Sound Mixing In An
Andorran Comic Short Film Directed By An Actor Who Should Stick to Acting. It means 332
chances to see glamorous stars wear dresses that have less chance of holding up than the
current economic boom, which we now know is largely being supported by Jennifer
Lopezs mass purchases of double-sided tape. As was her dress at the Grammies.
On the other hand, it also means youll get plenty of
sleep, since its pretty well guaranteed youll pass out on the couch before the
second set of presenters stands behind the podium stumbling over their capped teeth while
trying to read lame jokes off cue cards.
In some schools they make children give a Valentines Day card to everyone in the
class so no one gets too many, no one feels left out, and no one does anything with even
an ounce of sincerity, definitely preparing them for life in the corporate world.
|| There are awards
ceremonies for directors, cinematographers, makeup artists, and publicists. There are
nights to honor animals, movie trailers, and specific social issues. Why no ones set
up a series of awards for gaffers and best boys is beyond me. Except, of course, that no
ones sure what they do. (HINT: They dont make mistakes or grow up to stand
next to the groom at weddings for a living. Those are hobbies, not careers.) They give out
the Golden Globe, Golden Eagle, Golden Raspberry, Golden Ring, Golden Satellite, and
Golden Trailer, which contrary to what youre thinking doesnt honor movies made
in Arkansas. The only award were lacking is the one wed enjoy most: Golden
Who votes for these awards? Often its people who
actually do that particular job. Hair stylists vote for their fellow hair stylists;
screenwriters vote for the top screenplays. Not surprisingly, film critics give out their
own awards. Not only does the Hollywood Foreign Press Association present the Golden
Globe, but the Hollywood Film Critics give out their own awards, as do the Los Angeles
critics, Chicago critics, Hong Kong critics, and even Online critics.
The problem is that awards dont mean anything if
everyone gets one. Yet according to Those Who Decide These Things, its not
politically correct to leave anyone out. Is the point of giving an award to make sure
everyones self-esteem stays intact or to honor something they did that was
exemplary? In schools around the country they now make children give a Valentines
Day card to every student in the class to ensure that no one gets too many, no one feels
left out, and no one does anything with even an ounce of sincerity, something which will
definitely prepare them for life in the corporate world.
Theres a reason theres only
one Nobel Peace prize. Well, in addition to the fact that a quarter is flat so when you
toss it only one side can face up.
|| The Grammies
tried to avoid this problem by giving Carlos Santana every award they had, which is saying
a lot since they have 98 categories. Just kidding. Not about the categories, which do
number 98, but about Santana. He didnt win them all, he only won the categories
anyone gives a damn about.
Since NARAS, the group that awards
the Grammies, wants as many people as possible to get an award, they invent new categories
every year, which is why theres Traditional Tropical Latin Performance (as opposed
to Merengue Performance), Instrumental Soloist with Orchestra (as opposed to Instrumental
Soloist Without Orchestra), and Rock Gospel (as opposed to Traditional Soul Gospel). If
this trend continues, every voting member will have his or her own award, meaning
well have to sit through presentations for Best Album by Sting That Didnt
Sound Like The Last One, Loudest Song by Limp Bizket, and Most Intelligible Word by Bob
Dylan. You might as well pull out your Daytimer and block out the first week of next
February while youre thinking of it.
Its true wed all like to win an award, but does
that mean we should? Theres a reason theres only one Nobel Peace prize. Well,
in addition to the fact that a quarter is flat so when you toss it only one side can face
up. I won an award once: the Virginia Governors Screenwriting Competition. I got to
go to Charlottesville, Virginia where I was presented with a certificate and a check.
True, then-governor George Allen didnt show up to hand out "his" award,
but that was fine with me since his underling remembered to bring the state-issued check
which cleared the bank and more than paid my way to Charlottesville to get it. Not much
more, but thats not the point.
Think about this the next time youre watching the
Genesis Awards for animal welfare in movies, the International Angel Awards for films with
a positive message, or even the Academy Awards. But please, think about it early. You know
youll be snoring as soon as the second set of presenters stands behind the podium
stumbling over their capped teeth while trying to read bad jokes off cue cards.
©2000 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while waiting to accept your award.