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Putting
that Shrimp Ken on the Barbie
by Mad Dog
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After 43 years of
dating, Barbie and Ken have called it quits. That’s right, you can
dress Barbie in all the wedding gowns you like, she’s not walking down
the aisle with Ken. |
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It’s been quite a time
for weddings lately, and it’s not even close to June. First Britney
Spears got all excited and set the land speed record for a marriage —
single to married to single in a zippy 48 hours. Since she had it
annulled, technically it never happened, which I guess means we all
dreamed it. Pretty scary to think that we can all wake up screaming from
the same nightmare at the same time and we didn’t have to eat half a
Domino’s pizza right before bed to do it.
Then in San Francisco, the mayor
decided that his and her marriage licenses were oh so very ‘90s and
decreed that gay couples could get married, which led to lines around
the block, lawsuits in the courts, and Britney taking that kiss
seriously and proposing to Madonna. Just kidding. Actually Madonna’s
already married. To a film director who’s helping ruin her already
disastrous movie career.
We watched Ryan and Trista give pink
a bad name while spending more money than anyone would lavish on a
wedding that wasn’t being paid for by a TV network. We waited
breathlessly for every on-again-off-again announcement from Ben and J-Lo
hoping, well, hoping they’d do something already. Anything. And now we
have to deal with the biggest marriage disappointment of the year —
after 43 years of dating, Barbie and Ken have called it quits. That’s
right, you can dress Barbie in all the wedding gowns you like, she’s
not walking down the aisle with Ken.
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They first started
dating way back in 1961 when she was only two. For some reason no one
seemed to bat an eyelash about that. |
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According to a spokesman at Mattel, the company that owns the
pair but insists that doesn’t make it slavery, the happy, physically
disproportionate couple is going their separate ways. It
turns out that poor Ken is being dumped for a new upstart doll named
Blaine. I have to say, if I was being dumped for a guy named Blaine
I’m not sure if I’d drink heavily for a long time or feel relieved
that I didn’t waste another minute with someone who would actually
want a Blaine.
It’s a common story. Barbara Millicent Roberts, which is Barbie’s
full name, recently came out as Cali Girl Barbie — not to be mistaken
for Call Girl Barbie — and took on all the trappings that come with
it, including board shorts, hoop earrings, a deep tan, and skin cancer.
Along with the change she decided that Ken the boring old boyfriend is
out and Blaine the Australian boogie boarder is in. Hey, I’m not
making this up, a vice-president of Mattel is being paid big bucks to
spout this stuff to the press. With a straight face, no less.
Apparently Barbie’s not taking on all of the Cali Girl attributes. She
won’t say “dude” all the time, will be found outside malls as well
as inside, and won’t be getting breast enhancement surgery, which is a
good thing because if she had anymore added up top she wouldn’t
be able to walk without falling on her face. Not that she can walk on
her own anyway, but still.
I’m
sure this came as a shock to Ken. The break-up, not Barbie being top
heavy. After all, they first started dating way back in 1961 when she
was only two. For some reason no one seemed to bat an eyelash about that
and, unlike Jerry Lee Lewis, the age problem didn’t ruin her career.
Of course career may be part of the problem, since Ken wasn’t exactly
the most ambitious doll in the dollhouse. While Barbie spent time as a
rock star, NASCAR racer, black woman, and President of the United
States, Ken was a cowboy, cop,
astronaut, and doctor. Kind of a one-doll Village People without the hit
record. Not exactly prime husband material.
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She could have had any doll she wanted all along but she
stuck with Ken. G.I. Joe would have given his right revolver for her.
Chuckie would have, well, maybe we shouldn’t think about the things
Chuckie might have done to her. |
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It’s difficult to say how much this entered into Barbie’s
decision to dump him. After 43 years she may just have gotten tired of
waiting for him to pop the question. Then again, he might have been
messing around with her sister Skipper. I hear some strange things can
happen in the privacy of a young girl’s bedroom at night. It’s also
possible that Barbie is going through a mid-life crisis. After all,
she’s at the right age and has already done most of the mid-life
crisis things, like tool around in a red convertible and go for Sunday
rides on her Harley-Davidson, so what else could she do but dump Ken for
a young hot Aussie surf stud? After all, Ashton Kutcher is taken.
The funny thing is, she could have
had any doll she wanted all along but she stuck with Ken. G.I. Joe would
have given his right revolver for her. The Power Rangers would have
mightily morphed into anything they had to in order to win her hand.
Chuckie would have, well, maybe we shouldn’t think about the things
Chuckie might have done to Barbie. And The Powerpuff Girls? Lets just
say they would have had her at City Hall in San Francisco faster than
you can say “Lipstick Lesbian Barbie.” But she stuck with Ken. And
dumped him right before Valentine’s Day. The bitch.
I’m sure Ken will come out of this
just fine. He’s a good looking, buff guy and Barbie isn’t the only
doll in the toy store. But he might want to stay away from the Britney
doll. After all, he’s obviously into long-term relationships. I wonder
if Dora the Explorer is available?
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while waiting for E! to announce that Barbie's dumped
Blaine.
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