- An Endangered Species?
by Mad Dog
According to The Vogue Book of Blondes,
were rapidly approaching the end of the Blonde Era.This, my snickering friends, has
nothing to do with intelligence it has everything to do with genes.
|| Its hard to think that blondes may be going the way of the horse drawn
carriage, the passenger pigeon, and families eating dinner together, but its true.
According to a book that just came out, blondes may not make it to the end of the next
millennium. Well, none that are alive now will, thats for sure.
This isnt the set up to some elaborate
blonde joke. If it was I would have used the dodo as an example of an extinct species
instead of the passenger pigeon. Of course by doing that I would have risked not only
being bombarded with hate mail but possibly never having sex again in my life. No, this
theory is based on real scientific research done by a real geneticist, Steve Jones of the
very real University College in London, a city I know is real because Ive been
there. Sure, the food in London may not be real, but the city is.
According to The Vogue Book of Blondes, were rapidly
approaching the end of the Blonde Era. Keep in mind that eras are different than ages,
ages are different than eons, and neither of those are much like centuries at all.
Centuries, however, are related to their older sibling the millennium, which may make them
a second cousin once removed from an era but Im really not sure. Hell, I have enough
trouble remembering how Im related to my brothers.
Basically what happens is that after successful sexwhich to a guy is any sex but for
the sake of this discussion is sex that results in a pregnancy genes from each
partner get together and decide what hair color the babys going to get.
|| But back to the
impending demise of the fair-haired people. This, my snickering friends, has nothing to do
with intelligenceit has everything to do with genes. Genes, you may remember from
that one day you just couldnt manage to get to sleep during biology class, are those
teensy weensy oogly things (to get technical) that live inside DNA. Kind of like us in our
houses, except luckily genes dont build fires, throw wild parties, or mow their
lawns on Saturday mornings when some of us are trying to sleep, dammit!
Genes are responsible for making us what we are. I know parents
try to take credit for thatat least when we do something goodand schools deny
to the death having anything to do with it, but the truth is, its genes that are
responsible. They determine our basic traits like height, the shape of our butt,
intelligence, and hair color. And just as there are people who deny the theories of
evolution, there are those who deny genetics. Theyre the ones who wear shoes with
high heels, get liposuction and fanny lifts, copy off their neighbors test paper,
and use Clairol No. 32. Face it, genetics has little to do with reality.
Genes come in two flavors: dominant and submissive. Sorry,
thats sex partners Im thinking of, the gene types are actually dominant and
recessive. Basically what happens is that after successful sexwhich to a guy is any
sex but for the sake of this discussion is sex that results in a pregnancygenes from
each partner get together. They smile, check each other out, say silly things like
"What sign are you?", and try to get each other drunk. Then they go up to their
rented room at the Motel Sex and sit around deciding what hair color the babys going
If blondes are destined to become an endangered species, maybe we should start protecting
them while we still can. Personally I think blondes deserve to be preserved at least as
much as condors, pandas, and snail darters. Okay, maybe not snail darters.
|| It turns out this is
actually a pretty easy decision, since there are rules they have to follow. Its
unclear who made these rules, but apparently theyve been in place for a long time,
possibly even eons or ages, but lets not start that again, okay? If the genes are
both the same typefor instance, both blondeyoure pretty much assured
thats what the new baby will be. But if one gene is dominant and one is recessive,
the dominant one almost always wins out. Recessive genes, you see, are the wusses of the
Darker colors are dominant and lighter colors
are recessive. This may seem unfair, but it too has been going on since the first
paramecium slithered out of the primordial ooze and noticed its hair was green. This means
that if a dark-haired person mates with a light-haired person, their child will almost
always end up with dark hair. Especially if the father has dark hair and happens to be the
real father. That means that as long as blondes and brunettes interbreed there will be
more and more brunette offspring. Hence, the end of natural blondes as we know it.
This is serious stuff. Its true that as long as
theres peroxide on the planet there will be blondes, but it goes deeper than that.
It will mean the end of blonde jokes ("Daddy, whats a blonde?"). It will
signal an Armageddon-like battle as the other hair colors fight to decide which one will
have more fun. And gentlemenassuming there are any left, which judging by what I
hear from woman, is a very debatable pointwill have to start preferring something
else. Hell, even blonde moments will have to be renamed, though that should be simple. I
vote we call them Quayle Moments.
If blondes are destined to become an endangered species, maybe
we should start protecting them while we still can. Personally I think blondes deserve to
be preserved at least as much as condors, pandas, and snail darters. Okay, maybe not snail
darters. Even so, we should immediately pass legislation making it illegal to color blonde
hair dark. It should be a felony to shoot blondes, especially in a baited field. You know,
like a bar full of doctors. And we need to immediately set up blonde wildlife preserves
where we can monitor their mating habits to ensure that they maintain their purity and
continue the lineage. Hey, I think I just found my new career.
©1999 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while waiting in line at the Blonde Wildlife Preserve.