Eating to live
by Mad Dog
It sure is refreshing to hear that after
years of having scientists solemnly declare that every food, habit, and activity you enjoy
is bad for you, theyve finally discovered something that is not only healthy but may
actually lengthen your life. Unfortunately its broccoli sprouts.
Since, like all red-blooded fad-following
Americans, you no longer eat fat (clogs the arteries and adds inches to the waistline),
grilled food (carcinogens may taste good but theyre not), and caffeine (better to be
sleepy and alive than awake and dead), this is good news indeed. Better, in fact, than the
news that the new TV season has begun and Chevy Chase still doesnt have a new late
night talk show.
Scientists have known for some time that
broccoli is a good source of sulforaphane, a chemical that rallies the bodys
defenses against cancer. Now it turns out that three-day-old broccoli sprouts have between
20 and 50 times as much of this miracle ingredient not discovered by NASA for the space
program than mature broccoli heads, which incidentally is what they call people who like
Without going into the gory
detailswhich only make sense to the researchers at Johns Hopkins University who
reported this, Stephen Hawking, and the guy at the end of the bar whos wearing
aluminum foil on his head so the Venusians cant read his thoughtsthe powerful
ingredient in New and Improved Broccoli Sprouts neutralizes free radicals. These are
electrically charged molecules which can screw with your DNA, resulting in mutations.
Theyre also members of the SDS, the Weather Underground, and the Symbionese
Liberation Army who havent been caught yet, and eating all the broccoli in the world
wont help the FBI find them at this point.
Telling people broccoli sprouts are good
for them and getting them to eat the stuff are two different things. Try this test: The
next time you make a sandwich or salad for someone, ask them if they want sprouts on it.
First, theyll accuse you of being from California. Then theyll say "No
thanks, I dont eat anything that has a face or begins with the letter s
and ends in prouts." Dont be a wise guy and try to fool them by
putting the sprouts on anyway. The smell of musty, dirty sweat socks gives it away every
The scientists who discovered the Miracle
Broccoli Sprouts of Turin say they taste tangier than regular low-octane sprouts, kind of
like radishes. This will do wonders to increase their popularity, since radishes are the
number one vegetable sold at a little market on Main Street in Hackensack, NJ while every
other grocery store in the country still has the same three bags they bought ten years
But before you go searching the stores for
this Wonder Vegetable of the 90s, be forewarned that broccoli sprouts have yet to
appear on your grocers shelves. Unlike the 23,000 new food products that were
introduced last year, Cancer-B-Gone brand broccoli sprouts will have to wait a while
before taking their place next to Hi-Calcium Lo-fat Chunky Style Unsalted Saltines.
It seems that commercially produced
broccoli seeds ("The growth industry of the 21st century!") are addictive when
smoked in water pipes. Just kidding. Actually, the problem is theyre treated with
fungicides and insecticides and all kinds of other -cides so while you may stave away
cancer if you eat them, you wont live long enough to appreciate the fact.
Probably the best news of all is that this
scientific breakthrough will vindicate George Bush. Well, at least for his dislike of
broccoli. But that may be little consolation to the millions of people who will soon be
coming home from a hard day at work to sit down to a big plate of lo-fat, lo-taste turkey
meatloaf, baked potato with no-fat margarine and non-dairy soury-type cream, and a heaping
pile of yummy broccoli sprouts.
Pass the Jolt Cola and four brownies, will
©1997 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Use them to wrap your brocoli sprouts before throwing them out.