They showed up en masse in San Francisco not long ago for the National Car Dealers Association convention, and you could spot them from a mile away. Yes, they were the ones wearing plastered-on smiles with their fingers crossed as they handed out imprinted keychains which read: "No, WE’RE No. 1!"

     So what do these guys talk about when they’re together? Oh, tricks of the trade, just like at any other convention. Things like how to claim the steering wheel is an option, how to call the janitor into the office and pawn him off as the sales manager so he can offer you the "cheapest price I can without losing my job", and how to add a Bahamas Vacation Preparation Fee to the invoice without attracting too much attention.

     I have to admit, I’ve never bought a car from a dealer. I’ve always preferred getting screwed by someone who’s not a pro—somehow it makes me feel like less of a chump. Yes, this means I’ve never owned a new car. You could chalk this up to the fact that I’ve never found one I really liked. Or that I’ve never had enough money. Or maybe they just don’t make the options I really need. Luckily, the last excuse is changing.

     It’s nice that you can get a CD player, power everything, and even a computer that gives you driving directions. But that’s just not enough. In Europe, where they’re on the forefront of just about everything except bathing, you can get red, yellow, and greenwall tires for your car now.

     The reason for this is simple: they know how to have more fun than we do. Just kidding. The real reason for wanting to mount a flame-thrower on their cars is that carjacking is as common in Johannesburg as double parking. Or maybe it takes the place of double parking. Either way, for only $650 (plus delivery, taxes, and dealer prep) you can have a flame-thrower built into your car doors. Then all you have to do is step on a floor pedal and a fireball shoots out the side, sautéing a carjacker without endangering yourself, your passengers, or the paint job. Charl Flourie, the brains behind the Char-o-matic, says someone can get third-degree burns and might be blinded by this, but it won’t kill them. Can keychain versions be far behind?

     You can bet that as soon as word of this reaches the members of the National Car Dealers Association it will be on their Preferred Options List faster than you can say "Would you like fries with that carjacker?" Of course here it will be marketed a little differently, since carjacking isn’t quite the crime it is in South Africa.

     "They’re great for lighting barbecue grills on the side of the road," the car salesman will tell you. "Plus they’ll teach hitchhikers not to flip you off when you pass them by and they can be used to get rid of roadside litter while you drive, making them politically, environmentally, and economically correct."