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The
Carbs Made Me Do It
by Mad Dog
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I’m mesmerized by nutrition labeling which informs me that bottled
water has no calories, no fat, no sodium, no carbohydrates, no dietary
fiber, and no reason to have a nutritional label other than maybe the
printer had a sale on zeros.
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Last year companies
unleashed more than 21,000 new food products on us. While this includes
reformulations of existing products, I figure if they can in good
conscience claim their items are New!, Improved!, and have a Great New
Taste! without feeling bad because that means the old versions were
obviously lacking, then I say they count.
Of these, 633 were low-carb. While
that sounds like a lot, it’s nothing compared to the 586 low-carb
products that came out in the first quarter of this year alone. That
translates into six new items a day, one for every person in this
country who’s not counting carbs, or a whopping 586 more chances for
me to accidentally pick up the wrong thing in the supermarket. Right,
like I need any more help.
It used to be that I could walk down
the aisles of the grocery store and my main concern was trying to
remember what was on the list I left at home while being careful to stay
out of the way of women who are on a Shopping Mission From God. Then
things got complicated. Where at one time I only had to decide which
brand and size I wanted, suddenly I had to pay very close attention,
spending five
minutes carefully examining each item before I buy it. It’s not that
I’m mesmerized by nutrition labeling which informs me that bottled
water has no calories, no fat, no sodium, no carbohydrates, no dietary
fiber, and no reason to have a nutritional label other than maybe the
printer had a sale on zeros. No, the problem is I’m being confronted
with way too many choices.
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I invariably arrive home, unpack my groceries, and find
that once again I’ve bought the Hi-Calcium Lo-fat Chunky Style
Unsalted Reduced-Carb Saltines by accident. Where’s Jolt Cola when you
really need it?
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In
the good old days, which is defined as any time before there were five
kinds of Oreos to choose from, four of which are superfluous, if you
needed mayonnaise you walked down the condiment aisle, found the brand
you wanted, and went home safe in the knowledge that you could make tuna
salad for the rest of your life because you couldn’t resist the
incredibly low cost per ounce of the institutional size jar. Little did
you realize it was named that because you should be in an institution
for buying that much mayonnaise.
Now you not only need to know what brand you want, you have to decide
whether you want regular, low fat, fat-free, cholesterol-free,
caffeine-free, sugar-free, unscented, extra-strength, colored, flavored,
or now, lo-carb. And the packages all look alike. Okay, except for a
very subtle color change or the tiny notice on the back which says
“This product may not contain any substances you’ve ever heard of or
are capable of pronouncing unless you have a Ph.D. in organic
chemistry.”
The problem is it’s easy to overlook these things, especially when my
mind is preoccupied with wondering whether I’ll have enough money left
over to buy a couple of gallons of gas without cashing in my 401(k).
Right, like writers have 401(k)s. Our idea of planning for our
retirement is to stand in front of the mirror and practice saying,
“Would you like fries with that?” So between this and the brand
proliferation, I invariably arrive home, unpack my groceries, and find
that once again I’ve bought the Hi-Calcium Lo-fat Chunky Style
Unsalted Reduced-Carb Saltines by accident. Where’s Jolt Cola when you
really need it?
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It won’t be long before carbs will
be blamed for everything. After all, if there’s one thing we can
always use, it’s a convenient scapegoat. |
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According
to Time, 26 million Americans are currently on a low-carb
diet, which may explain why the publishers are feverishly working on a
reduced-carb version of the magazine. Right, as if the high-fluffy
feature, low-news version we get now isn’t filling enough. That’s
also why restaurants, from the fastest to the foofiest, are adding
low-carb items to their menu. Sure it can be such a culinary brainstorm
as trashing the bun and making you eat a hamburger wrapped in a piece of
lettuce, something only a marketing person or a rabbit would consider to
be a good idea. And yes, many of the low-carb menu items were low-carb
before low-carb became the sugar-free of the New Millennium. But hey, if
you can toss the name Atkins around and bring customers in without
having to play records by a country guitar player, more power to you.
It won’t be long before carbs will
be blamed for everything. After all, if there’s one thing we can
always use, it’s a convenient scapegoat. So don’t be surprised if
President Bush announces that the War in Iraq was actually started
because the CIA suspected Saddam Hussein had been stockpiling Carbs of
Mass Destruction (CMDs). Hey, apparently pasta and bread can be
dangerous. The skyrocketing price of gas will turn out to be because oil
refineries shifted production while they worked overtime to create
low-carb gasoline. Uma and Ethan will confirm our suspicions that they
broke up because of irreconcilable carb differences. And in the end, no
one will pitch to Barry Bonds because they hear he’s loading up on all
the carbs everyone else is avoiding. Hey, someone has to use them.
So dump the bread, forget the pasta,
and blame everything on carbs. It won’t be long before someone decides
they’re not so bad after all, so you might as well put them to good
use while you can.
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
They contain no carbs.
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