Mad Dog Weekly - Doing It Doggy Style

Be sure to visit the Doggy Style Archives!

 

Frenchmen

Tempting Fate
by Mad Dog

 

 

Fossett survived, but only because he was so used to dealing with lawyers in the business world that the Great Whites were like old friends.

     Being mortals, it’s fun to defy death from time to time. For most of us this need can be fulfilled by crossing the street in Manhattan, nuking a frozen burrito without reading the instructions or ingredients, and trying to picture Bill and Monica together in the Oval Office without choking on our cigar.

     But for some this just isn’t enough. On a single day in August a slew of people were in the news for trying to push themselves to the limit, leaving the rest of us to be content with pushing our remotes to the limit trying to avoid hearing about them because, face it, it’s very tiring and if we’re not careful we won’t have enough strength to open that third bag of jalapeno-cheese-flavored popcorn.

     First there was Steve Fossett, the balloonist who has more money than sense, which explains why he was trying to become the first person to fly around the world nonstop in a balloon hoping to bump into Amelia Earhart. Unfortunately he didn’t find her, though he did find himself in shark-infested waters when he had to ditch the balloon about two-thirds of the way through the trip.

     Fossett survived, but only because he was so used to dealing with lawyers in the business world that the Great Whites were like old friends. The balloon didn’t fare as well. It ended up being twisted by a clown fish into a balloon poodle for Keiko’s welcome home party.

   



He could have collected just as much money had he stood in Terminal 2 at O’Hare Airport with a guitar, a bundle of incense, and a Starbucks cup singing "Leaving on a Jet Plane", though admittedly that would have been more dangerous.
  Then there was Benoit Lecomte, the Frenchman who decided to swim across the Atlantic Ocean in search of a decent baguette. And why not try this daunting feat? After all, he once swam 23 hours non-stop in a lake in Texas and the Atlantic is basically a 3,395 mile lake, right?

     Lecomte too, had a problem with sharks. This points out an important lesson: sharks are inherent to any death-defying feat. This has been true since they made the movie Jaws. If sharks do one thing well besides eating, swimming, and defecating, it’s hold a grudge, and they still haven’t forgiven Spielberg for using Bruce the mechanical shark when so many of them are swimming around with signs that say: Will kill for food.

     Finally, there was Tori Murden, a social worker from Louisville, Kentucky who woke up one morning and thought to herself, "That Frenchman’s crazy! Who would want to swim across the Atlantic? I think I’ll row across it." Thus she set out in a customized 23-foot rowboat to become the first woman and the first American to leave Nag’s Head, North Carolina during summer vacation by water. Just kidding. Actually people do it all the time, but it’s usually after smuggling drugs into Oregon Inlet.

     Tori, however, was going to be the first to row out of there and end up in France. Unfortunately high winds from Hurricane Danielle came along and caused her to capsize 11 times in one night so she called it quits. Some people have no dedication.

     Why do people do these things? Fossett probably did it to prove to himself that he had more self-worth than just his mega-millions. Lecomte swam to raise money for cancer research, but that’s a lame excuse—he could have collected just as much had he stood in Terminal 2 at O’Hare Airport with a guitar, a bundle of incense, and a Starbucks cup singing "Leaving on a Jet Plane", though admittedly that would have been more dangerous. And Murden? Let’s just say we all need a break from our rowing machines from time to time.



Lubavitch Jews, an orthodox sect, are so worried it will happen to them that they’ve taken to carrying pagers so they can be notified when the Messiah arrives. Trust me, it will be posted on the Internet within minutes.
     I admit, I’m not completely immune to this. I went sky diving once. And I was recently scuba certified and swam with sea turtles and reef sharks. Last spring when I pulled into the Prague train station at midnight I let a cabbie who didn’t speak English drive me to where I was staying, easily the bravest—and most expensive—daredevil feat I’ve taken on. (NOTE: This proves that sharks are everywhere. You’ll notice I came across them in two out of three places.)

     But that doesn’t mean I want to tempt fate. Some people climb Mt. Everest. Others ski down it. Personally I think sitting high up in the nose-bleed back row of an IMAX theater and watching the movie is intense enough.

     Maybe the people who do these things are afraid they’re missing something in life. Many of us do. Lubavitch Jews, an orthodox sect, are so worried it will happen to them that they’ve taken to carrying pagers so they can be notified when the Messiah arrives. Trust me, it will be posted on the Internet within minutes.

     If you want to break records and push yourself, there are safer and saner ways to do it. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa are breaking home run records and they don’t sleep in a balloon or a rowboat, they sleep in their comfy beds. Ken Starr just spent four years creating the world’s most expensive Harlequin romance and he tosses and turns in bed. And then there’s Bill Clinton, who’s been scoring more than McGwire and Sosa, which means he gets to sleep in a lot of beds. Now that’s an adventure. 

1998 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Tempt fate and buy one.

 

(ALMOST) INSTANT NOTIFICATION
Enter your email address below to be notified whenever a new column is added to the Mad Dog Weekly!



Powered by FeedBlitz


  Skywriting at Night - a novel by Mad Dog

[Home] [Doggy Style Archives] [Blog]  [Novel] [Playground] [Plot-o-matic] [Porn-o-matic] [On The Road]
[Grand Highly Illuminated Xmas] [Who the hell is Mad Dog?] [Work Stuff]
[FREE Newsletter]  [ ] [Linkage] [Search]

1998 - 2013 Mad Dog Productions
All Rights reserved