Reinventing the e-wheel
by Mad Dog

    It’s true, they’re actually developing both of these products and it shouldn’t come as a surprise. After all, the key to 21st century innovation is to open up a dictionary, point to a word at random, then put an ‘i’ or ‘e’ in front of it. This instantly attracts investors and publicity but, as many are finding out, not customers or profits. To do that you need a good idea. You know, like an e-pen.

    The Anoto pen is a big, fat, bulky pen that not only has an ink cartridge, but also computer circuitry to make it leak no matter whether it’s in your pocket right side up or upside down. Just kidding. Actually the micro-processor broadcasts everything you write to your computer. Of course, why you’re writing to your computer is another thing altogether, but that’s a personal problem, and I strongly suggest you consult an e-shrink about it as soon as possible.

    The Anoto pen is a great invention for people who can’t figure out that the letters on a computer keyboard correspond to our alphabet and if you push one, the letter printed on it will appear on your monitor. But it has its drawbacks. For one, you need to be near a computer for it to work. For another, you have to write on special paper that has tiny grids printed on it. Without that it’s just a big, fat expensive pen that runs out of ink at the most inopportune times just like any other.

    E-paper will be great for digital books you can roll up like an ancient scroll. It will let you download your newspaper, then throw it in the bushes or on the roof. You’ll be able to have e-macramé wall hangings that change into reproductions of dogs playing poker, both velvet and non-velvet versions. And you’ll be able to make custom-designed, ridiculously expensive gift wrap in case you’d rather draw bows than tie them. What e-paper won’t be good for is lining the bird cage, house training your dog, starting a fire, or writing on with your Anoto pen.

    Isn’t there something we can do with new technology other than apply it to the same old ideas? It’s like the Internet—no one has figured out what to do with this new technology that’s truly unique. We can order merchandise, read information, watch cartoons, play games, listen to music, and talk to friends across the country or around the world. This is nothing we couldn’t already do with books, magazines, telephones, catalogs, televisions, stereos, and jigsaw puzzles. And in most cases doing it online is slower, more difficult, less efficient, more frustrating, and of much lower quality than what we had before. Just because the package looks different doesn’t mean the stuff inside has been improved.

    While e-books save trees and chiropractor bills, they don’t save money, and judging by King’s second e-book experiment they don’t save fans either. After his first success, King decided to serialize his book, The Plant, online. He charged people $1 for the first installments, then $2 after that. As if imitating drug dealers wasn’t bad enough (“The first ones are cheap; when you’re hooked it’s gonna cost you.”), he decided to emulate the worst of the worst: politicians.

    Noticing that everyone was enjoying watching Bush and Gore act like spoiled brats, King decided to do the same—since not enough people paid for the last installment he pulled the plug. I can’t think of a better way to keep your fan base happy than to charge them $7 to read half a book, then not give them the rest. It’s a good thing he isn’t a film director or we’d never know how the movie ends.

    I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of the reinventions, or e-ventions as they’ll probably be called. Expect to see e-wheels on your car so you can fix virtual flats from the comfort of your keyboard. Real flats will still need AAA. There will be e-fires so you can make S’mores without getting messy chocolate all over your fingers. Not very filling but also no calories. And best of all you'll be able to keep track of all this using an e-notebook, which of course will be filled with e-paper. True you won’t be able to write on it with your e-pen, but you can’t have everything, now can you?

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