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Welcome to Fantasyland
by Mad Dog

 

Perhaps what the men actually said was that they have fantasies about having sex while laying on piles of money. Or maybe that they dream about having sex without paying money. But fantasizing about just having money?

     It’s a normal, healthy thing for human beings to have fantasies. Unless, that is, your fantasies include Rosie O’Donnell naked, AK-47 assault rifles, or group sex using Jell-O, Spam, Chee-tos, or any other food product that’s made from things we’d rather not think about and is a color not normally found in nature.

     Men, of course, always fantasize about sex. Or so we’ve been led to believe. Sex with movie stars, sex with two women, or in the case of some of us, just having sex. Now, in a revelation so startling it belongs on the front page of the Weekly World News right next to the headline that screams "The World Will End in 20 Minutes (So Buy This Newspaper Now)!", it turns out this long held belief just isn’t true.

     According to a survey by Playboy magazine (motto: "You mean we do print articles?"), more men fantasize about money than sex. Right. And President Clinton took a vow of chastity before entering......well, before entering the White House. But before we completely disregard this finding, let’s not forget that it appeared in Playboy, the magazine that not only has its finger on the pulse of men everywhere but tries its best to get that pulse racing.

     I can’t help but wonder whether the people taking the survey misunderstood what the men said. This happens, you know. Perhaps what the men actually said was that they have fantasies about having sex while laying on piles of money. Or maybe that they dream about having sex without paying money. But fantasizing about just having money?



All of this points up some very big differences between men and women. Well, other than the fact that women are caring, sensitive, thoughtful, loving, and don’t mind asking for directions.
     Is this the state of affairs of the American male? Have we become so materialistic that we’ve completely abandoned our basic primal urges in favor of mutual funds, leveraged buyouts, and stock options? Exactly when did IPO come to mean Initial Public Offering instead of I Pursue Openly?

     Of course, before we swallow the results of this survey hook, line, and sinking fund, there were other suspicious findings in this poll. For one thing, 61 percent of the respondents said that having a family was the most important thing in their life. That can only mean that eating a whole extra-large triple pepperoni pizza in one sitting, owning a remote control that can turn everything on and off within a three-mile radius including their mother-in-law, and winning the Annual Alumni Belch-fest and One-handed Stomach Scratch weren’t survey choices.

     It’s very likely that men fantasize about money because they think it will help them attract women. Of course women will deny this. Well, at least until they want another drink. So the question arises: If money was no object, who would these men go out with?

     When asked who their fantasy date would be, the men surveyed split by age. Those in their 20s chose Pamela Anderson Lee. Men in their 30s thought Sandra Bullock would be the perfect dream date. And the majority of respondents over 40 said they didn’t care just as long as they wouldn’t have to take Viagra to enjoy it.

     All of this points up some very big differences between men and women. Well, other than the fact that women are caring, sensitive, thoughtful, loving, and don’t mind asking for directions. Men and women, you see, have a completely different idea of a fantasy sex life.



When a woman says she’s found her dream man, what she means is for once her relationship isn’t a nightmare.
     To a man, the perfect sex life would be that of a sea hare, which is a slug-like creature that is both male and female at the same time. They have group sex in chain-like clusters, being female in the front and male in the back. This helps to answer why men will actually sit for hours watching movies like "Debbie Does the Paramecium Farm" and never wonder why there’s no plot, characterization, or polysyllabic dialogue.

     Women, on the other hand, fantasize about having sex with a trusting, dedicated man who shaves daily, voluntarily does the dishes, and actually has an answer to the question, "What are you thinking?" Obviously women have much more ambitious fantasies than men.

     Luckily, fantasies are meant to be exactly that. This is a good thing for us men or we’d never find a woman who would stick around past the early bird special at El Gato Taco. "But what about the men and women who say they’ve found their dream mate?" you’re asking, oblivious to everyone moving away from you because they’re wondering why you’re talking to yourself out loud instead of quietly like they are.

     It’s simple. When a woman says she’s found her dream man, what she means is for once her relationship isn’t a nightmare. And when a man says he’s found his dream woman, he means he’s grateful he can put Sheila the Anatomically Almost Reasonable Inflatable Love Doll away in her box. And if those two people happened to have met each other, well, they’ll probably live happily ever after.

   

1998 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Or maybe that's just a fantasy.

 

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