by Mad Dog
Perhaps what the men actually said was that they have fantasies
about having sex while laying on piles of money. Or maybe that they dream about having sex
without paying money. But fantasizing about just having money?
|| Its a
normal, healthy thing for human beings to have fantasies. Unless, that is, your fantasies
include Rosie ODonnell naked, AK-47 assault rifles, or group sex using Jell-O, Spam,
Chee-tos, or any other food product thats made from things wed rather not
think about and is a color not normally found in nature.
Men, of course, always fantasize about sex. Or so weve been
led to believe. Sex with movie stars, sex with two women, or in the case of some of us,
just having sex. Now, in a revelation so startling it belongs on the front page of the
Weekly World News right next to the headline that screams "The World Will End in 20
Minutes (So Buy This Newspaper Now)!", it turns out this long held belief just
According to a survey by Playboy magazine
(motto: "You mean we do print articles?"), more men fantasize about money
than sex. Right. And President Clinton took a vow of chastity before entering......well,
before entering the White House. But before we completely disregard this finding,
lets not forget that it appeared in Playboy, the magazine that not only has its
finger on the pulse of men everywhere but tries its best to get that pulse racing.
I cant help but wonder whether the
people taking the survey misunderstood what the men said. This happens, you know. Perhaps
what the men actually said was that they have fantasies about having sex while laying on
piles of money. Or maybe that they dream about having sex without paying money. But
fantasizing about just having money?
All of this points up some very big differences between men and women. Well, other than
the fact that women are caring, sensitive, thoughtful, loving, and dont mind asking
|| Is this the state
of affairs of the American male? Have we become so materialistic that weve
completely abandoned our basic primal urges in favor of mutual funds, leveraged buyouts,
and stock options? Exactly when did IPO come to mean Initial Public Offering instead of I
Of course, before we
swallow the results of this survey hook, line, and sinking fund, there were other
suspicious findings in this poll. For one thing, 61 percent of the respondents said that
having a family was the most important thing in their life. That can only mean that eating
a whole extra-large triple pepperoni pizza in one sitting, owning a remote control that
can turn everything on and off within a three-mile radius including their mother-in-law,
and winning the Annual Alumni Belch-fest and One-handed Stomach Scratch werent
Its very likely that men fantasize
about money because they think it will help them attract women. Of course women will deny
this. Well, at least until they want another drink. So the question arises: If money was
no object, who would these men go out with?
When asked who their fantasy date would be,
the men surveyed split by age. Those in their 20s chose Pamela Anderson Lee. Men in their
30s thought Sandra Bullock would be the perfect dream date. And the majority of
respondents over 40 said they didnt care just as long as they wouldnt have to
take Viagra to enjoy it.
All of this points up some very big
differences between men and women. Well, other than the fact that women are caring,
sensitive, thoughtful, loving, and dont mind asking for directions. Men and women,
you see, have a completely different idea of a fantasy sex life.
When a woman says shes found her dream man, what she means is for once her
relationship isnt a nightmare.
|| To a man, the
perfect sex life would be that of a sea hare, which is a slug-like creature that is both
male and female at the same time. They have group sex in chain-like clusters, being female
in the front and male in the back. This helps to answer why men will actually sit for
hours watching movies like "Debbie Does the Paramecium Farm" and never wonder
why theres no plot, characterization, or polysyllabic dialogue.
Women, on the other hand, fantasize about having sex
with a trusting, dedicated man who shaves daily, voluntarily does the dishes, and actually
has an answer to the question, "What are you thinking?" Obviously women have
much more ambitious fantasies than men.
Luckily, fantasies are meant to be exactly
that. This is a good thing for us men or wed never find a woman who would stick
around past the early bird special at El Gato Taco. "But what about the men and women
who say theyve found their dream mate?" youre asking, oblivious to
everyone moving away from you because theyre wondering why youre talking to
yourself out loud instead of quietly like they are.
Its simple. When a woman says
shes found her dream man, what she means is for once her relationship isnt a
nightmare. And when a man says hes found his dream woman, he means hes
grateful he can put Sheila the Anatomically Almost Reasonable Inflatable Love Doll away in
her box. And if those two people happened to have met each other, well, theyll
probably live happily ever after.
©1998 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Or
maybe that's just a fantasy.