There's more Doing It Holiday
I Want for Christmas
by Mad Dog
the Christmas season approaches, parents and the media will succumb to the mass hysteria
of searching for the one Christmas item theyre convinced will make their kids happy,
healthy, and less likely to mow down their classmates during lunch.
getting into the Christmas spirit, and its about time, dont you think? After
all, the displays have been in the stores since Labor Day, you woke up this morning with
the realization that Christmas also spells "trims cash", and everyone including
that guy behind the counter at the 7-11 is wishing you a happy holiday. Right. Like
youre actually going to leave him a tip for ringing up that Breakfast Big Bite and
the large Peanut Butter and Jelly Slurpee. I mean, its not as if he sold you a Furby
Furbies, for those of
you who have been too busy convincing yourselves that the fluffy white stuff on the
leftover Thanksgiving yams is marshmallow so its okay to eat them, are this
years hot Christmas item. You know, the one thing everyone has to give their kids
whether they want one or not.
Its a time-honored American tradition
to anoint a product, usually a toy, to be the Present of the Year. This is a bigger honor
than being named Times Man of the Year. After all, Adolf Hitler and Ayatullah
Khomeini were never Present of the Year. This (the Present, not the Man of the
Year) is decided upon by a secret cabal known as the Marquis de Sade Fan Club and
Practical Joke Society. This is, incidentally, the same group that offered Adam Sandler a
mega-million dollar contract to ensure that well get to see Waterboy-2, The Waterboy
Strikes Back, and Waterboythe Final Touchdown.
Every spring this group polls the toy
manufacturers, looking over the products, checking out their playability quotient, and
then laughing at the silliness of this charade while they select the one item which they
know for a fact the manufacturer isnt even remotely ready to put into mass
production. This guarantees that as the Christmas season approaches, parents and the media
will succumb to the mass hysteria of searching for the one Christmas item theyre
convinced will make their kids happy, healthy, and less likely to mow down their
classmates during lunch. The children, of course, would be just as happy with the box the
tinsel came in.
Dressed in a leather jacket, gloves, chaps, and boots, this
refugee from a San Francisco leather bar is being snapped up faster than a topless
dancers overcoat at the Fairbanks Outdoor Strippers Ball. And it doesnt
even speak Furbish.
|| Past years have
seen parents camped out for weeks at a time trying to snag such hard-to-find items as
Nintendos, Cabbage Patch Dolls, and Tickle Me Whats-His-Name. Well, this year
its the Furbyan ugly, yet cuddly, computer chip-filled toy that not only
responds to touch, motion, and light, but speaks in two languages, English and Furbish.
Thats right. People are going crazy trying to buy a toy that speaks fluent
gibberish. Marshall McLuhan would be proud.
As expected, people are doing battle to get their hands on a Furby. The police in
Tewksbury, Mass., had to be called to a Wal-Mart so they could find out why it was okay to
sell stuffed toys that speak nonsense but not the new Marilyn Manson CD. Just kidding.
Actually they were there to calm down a crowd that made English soccer fans look like a
bunch of sleeping Quakers at a church picnic.
Believe it or not, some of the crowd had
been there since 10pm on Thanksgiving night. Its amazing what people will do just to
get away from the house after having spent an afternoon listening to Uncle Wilbur snore
through two football games. It was a good thing the cops showed up when they did or a few
of these people not only wouldnt have gotten their Furbies, but would have been
singing "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth."
Furbies arent the only hard-to-find
Christmas present this year. Biker Barbie, a limited edition which is only being sold
through Harley-Davidson dealers, is in big demand too. Dressed in a leather jacket,
gloves, chaps, and boots, this refugee from a San Francisco leather bar is being snapped
up faster than a topless dancers overcoat at the Fairbanks Outdoor Strippers
Ball. And Biker Barbie doesnt even speak Furbish.
A study just released in England (motto: "Even we cant understand what
were saying") shows that a mans heart rate and blood pressure skyrocket
when he goes Christmas shopping .
gave each dealer 20 dolls. Although there werent lines waiting to get them, they did
sell out quickly, meaning the only place you can still find them is on the Internet, where
the $60 dolls are going for upwards of $200. Shes not alone there
eitherFurbies are also being sold at Internet auction sites like ebay.com. This
proves that, contrary to popular opinion, you can find more on the Internet than herbal
impotency cures, nude pictures of Dr. Laura, and Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo screen
Thats why experts
predict that this year people will spend a few billion dollars buying Christmas presents
online. Well, that and the fact that theyre too busy hanging around chat rooms
pretending to be a 16 year-old cheerleader named Nikki to get out of the house and shop.
This may be good news for men who, it turns
out, have a good excuse not to shopits bad for their health. A study just
released in England (motto: "Even we cant understand what were
saying") shows that a mans heart rate and blood pressure skyrocket when he goes
Christmas shopping, similar to that of "a fighter pilot going into combat or a
policeman going into dangerous situations."
This should come as no surprise to anyone
whos ever been anywhere near a store between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is
combat. Thats why I intend on making it easy on anyone who wants to get me a present
Forget Furby. Forget Biker Barbie. I know
something you can give me that will be infinitely easier to get than either of those
twoPeace on Earth. But youd better hurry, theres a guy in Indiana
whos about to outbid you for it on ebay.com.
©1998 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while standing in line at the checkout counter.