to Look Forward to
by Mad Dog
Once people realize they burn up between 45 and
60 calories for every ten minutes of sex (meaning the average man burns 7 to 15 calories
in a normal sex session), you can expect the Tantric Diet Plan to hit the shelves (and
|| Well, we made it into the new year and absolutely nothing happened. And I do
mean nothing. The most hyped event since the last one no one cared about except the media
turned out to be a dud. Surprise! Surprise! So now that the dawning of the new M-word is
behind us, the question begs: What do we have to look forward to?
I dont mean what do we have to look forward to the way Time
and every other magazine on the face of the earth did when they made
theiryawwwnpredictions for the next 20 years. After all, how accurate could
they hope to be when the best minds of our country cant even figure out that no one
has any interest in seeing a TV show about rapping white brothers, half-hour retreads of
Ally McBoring, or anything on UPN?
No, I mean what do we have to look forward to in the short
term. You know, like next month. Maybe we should ask some of those people who get paid big
bucks to sit around and figure out what will be the Next Big Thing. Theyre called
futurists, and theyre a lot like the psychics whose predictions are printed in the
Weekly World News except futurists get paid more, see their bylines in Forbes and The New
York Times, and are more concerned with what color car interior people will want next
spring rather than whether Michael Jackson will have an AOL chat rooms love child.
The truth is, it doesnt take a genius to see whats coming. To prove it, I have
my own predictions.
Before you think
its all bad news, this is the year youll finally be able to eat Macaroni-
|| First, there will
be more fad diets than you can shake a rice cake at, largely because Americans have
become, well, large. The first one to catch on will be the Chewing Gum Diet, based on a
report by researchers at the Mayo Clinic that claims you can lose weight by chewing gum.
These researchers, who tried but couldnt figure out anything better to do with their
cushy government grants, figured out that chewing gum increases the number of calories you
burn by 19.4 percent. That means that if you chewed gum all day every day for a year you
could lose 11 pounds. Of course youd have no teeth, be unable to slide your legs
under the kitchen table because of the huge wads of gum stuck to the bottom, and
couldnt be in the same room with anyone for more than a half hour without driving
them absolutely nuts. In other words, youll end up looking like a skinny Brit with
no friends, but thats a small price to pay for a chance to be mistaken for someone
whose half-hour retread TV show was cancelled.
stop there. Once people realize they burn up between 45 and 60 calories for every ten
minutes of sex (meaning the average man burns 7 to 15 calories in a normal sex session),
you can expect the Tantric Diet Plan to hit the shelves (and the bedrooms). But I predict
no diet will be half as successful as the Crab Picking Diet, in which you eat nothing but
hard-shelled crabs because, as any researcher worth his or her weight in Jenny Craig
endorsements will tell you, people expend way more energy picking crabs than they take in
eating the meager pickings.
That wont be the only food news this year. Candy bars
may be in short supply because a deadly fungus is threatening the worlds cocoa crop.
Then, when that news drives you to drink, youll need to order something other than
tequila because theres an agave shortage in Mexico and prices are rising faster than
a 16-year-old boy who just came across www.sweetcheeks.com. But before you think its
all bad news, this is the year youll finally be able to eat Macaroni-And-Cheese-
In the future there will be more lawsuits like the one from the Canadian tourist
whos suing Starbucks for $1.5 million because his penis was crushed in a toilet seat
in a store in Manhattan. Or at least warning labels on the toilet seats.
|| This is true. A
company in Ohio called Breakaway Foods is testing a line of meals that come in push-up
tubes, the perfect thing for people who spend their evenings with their butt cradled in a
La-Z-Boy recliner holding a remote in their hand thinking, "Life sure would be
perfect if I only had a Meatloaf-On-A-Stick right now."
Well, your dreams are almost coming true. IncrEdibles, as they so
cutely named them, are the perfect no-muss, no-fuss mealyou toss it in the
microwave, eat it by pushing up on the attached plastic stick, then use any paper towel or
sponge to clean up after you spit it out. I shouldnt say that since I havent
tried them, but the idea of push-up macaroni and cheese with chili, scrambled eggs with
sausage, and leftover tuna casserole with crumbled potato chip and green mold topping just
doesnt sound very appetizing. And you thought we couldnt top last
centurys invention of Spam, Velveeta, Slim Jims, and Reeses Peanut Butter
What else can we expect in the near future? More lawsuits like
the one from the Canadian tourist whos suing Starbucks for $1.5 million because his
penis was crushed in a toilet seat in a store in Manhattan. Or at least warning labels on
the toilet seats. The preservation of endangered species by stuffing them, like
theyre doing to Hsing-Hsing, the National Zoos panda which recently died. More
web sites than you can shake a mouse at, which wont be hard since theyre
predicting there will be 3.2 billion websites in 2000. Of course, since theyre also
predicting that only 256 million people in the world will be online this comes to 12.5
websites per person, making me wonder who the hells putting them up. And finally, we
can expect a lot of Jacobs and Emilys, since those were the most popular childrens
names last year. At least they were in the U.S. In England the two most popular were Jack
and Chloe, which I could have sworn was a cancelled series on UPN this past season.
And you thought you didnt have anything to look forward
©2000 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while eating Soup-on-a-Stick.