Dog's Budget Holiday Gift Guide
by Mad Dog
Even if the
present isnít free these suggestions are, and if that isnít proof
that you get what you pay for, then I donít know what is.
||Itís that time once
again when our thoughts turn to the present ó not just the present
youíve been dropping hints about for months in the hopes that youíll
receive it this Christmas, but the one you have to buy for that special
person who has everything. Or at least everything you can afford.
Thatís why Iím happy to present this yearís Budget Holiday Gift
Guide. Hey, even if the present isnít free these suggestions are, and
if that isnít proof that you get what you pay for, then I donít know
First on the list is a pet. A cheap,
low-maintenance pet that glows in the dark. You know, like the GloFish
Fluorescent Zebra Fish. Originally bred to help detect environmental
pollutants ó the few that donít glow on their own ó the fish light
up because scientists inject a fluorescence gene into their parents. The
fishís parents, not the scientistsí. GloFish make a great gift for
several reasons. For one, studies show that having a pet is good for a
personís mental health. They give companionship, show unconditional
love, and you can complain to them all you want without them telling you
to ďGet over it.Ē Also, while dogs, cats, hamsters, and Carrot Top
all make good pets, they donít give off light, which can help stave
off SAD, which is a cute acronym for Seasonal Affective Disorder, or
what doctors usually refer to as ďWhat you get for living in Seattle
in the winter.Ē
While regular zebra fish can be
bought for as little as 60 cents, glo-in-the-dark fish have been selling
for as much as $17 in Taiwan, where children have been using them for
several years to guide them to school in the morning during the winter.
Just kidding. Actually they use them to make festive holiday sushi,
eliminating the need for candles on the dinner table.
crustacean, which will be marketed under its nickname Magic Johnson if
they can find more of them, is once-living proof you donít need to
reply to Internet spam to be well endowed.
Unfortunately this Christmas gift is void in California, where if
you want a GloFish youíre going to have to smuggle one in. The Fish
and Game Commission (motto: ďGo Fish ó itís not just a game,
itís a careerĒ) voted to make the state the only one in the country
to ban the cute little fishies. See what happens when bureaucrats
donít have the jurisdiction to ban Hokey Pokey Elmo? But all is not
lost if you live in the Golden State, you can still buy a sea-dwelling
animal for a loved one this year. Sure itís 425 million years old. And
yes, there are only a couple of them to be had. But itís the perfect
gift for someone who has everything óa crustacean with a very large,
uh, private body part. Yes, itís the recently discovered Colymbosathon
ecplecticos, the fossil whose name óTrue Story Alert! ó
translates as ďswimmer with an astoundingly large penis.Ē
Interestingly, this is the same nickname Mark Spitz wanted everyone to
call him but for some reason it just never caught on.
The fossilized crustacean, which will
be marketed under its nickname Magic Johnson if they can find more of
them, is once-living proof you donít need to reply to Internet spam to
be well endowed. Nor have Milton Berleís dominant genes. True the
entire crustacean is only two-tenths of an inch long, but remember,
itís relative size that matters. Right, and there will be a Richard
Simmons, Jr. on the way any day now.
If you donít have time to wait for
scientists to locate a few more Colymbosathon ecplecticos, maybe
you should consider an Irradiated Mutant Worm instead. While
their sex organs havenít been supersized, they do use them more than
the average worm. Of course the average worm only uses theirs 5 percent
of the time, preferring to reproduce asexually, something Iíve been
told to do any number of times but havenít figured out a way to do it,
advanced yoga positions notwithstanding. It turns out that worms which
live in the irradiated soil around the Chernobyl nuclear plant are,
well, more highly sexed. A full quarter of them go out of their way to
find partners and reproduce sexually, which is an even higher success
rate than youíd have at the Sex Addicts Anonymous Christmas party.
If none of these gifts do the trick, you might consider the
Michael Jackson holiday album, Almost White Christmas.
But what if you have someone on your Christmas list who doesnít
like animals or sex? You know, like a Republican. Maybe you should
consider getting them a Genuine Metal Portrait of Ronald Reagan.
It wonít be available for Christmas this year, but if Representative
Mark Souder of Indiana (state motto: ďSoon to be known as
NativeAmericanianaĒ) has his way, it will only cost you 10 cents.
Gifts donít get much cheaper than that.
You see, Souder wants Franklin Delano
Rooseveltís image on the dime to be replaced by one of former
president Reagan. Heís doing this in reaction to the airing of The
Reagans, the creatively titled TV miniseries that ran on Showtime
(motto: ďCBSí leftovers, all the timeĒ). Apparently he didnít
like it. He said in his letter to fellow Republicans in the House of
Representatives that it was appropriate to honor Reagan on the 10-cent
coin since he ďwas wounded under the left arm by a bullet that had
ricocheted and flattened to the size of a dime.Ē Itís a good thing
the bullet hadnít flattened to the size of a Bible or Souder would
want to replace God with Reagan in the next edition.
If none of these gifts do the trick,
you might consider the Michael Jackson holiday album, Almost White
Christmas, the Special Collectorís DVD of the Democratic
candidatesí debates entitled Bush: The Grinch Who Stole The
Election, or if you can raise your budget a few million dollars, you
could buy someone you love the job as governor of California.
©2003 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while hoping you don't get caught smuggling GloFish.