heaven for little girls
by Mad Dog
the Taliban won’t let girls get an education, leave the house with
more than three square inches of skin showing, or participate in
blowing up ancient, irreplaceable statues of Buddha. And you thought
your parents were no fun.
It’s not easy being a girl. Of course this is pure
conjecture on my part since I’m not a girl, never was a girl, and
never will be a girl. And yes, I’m certain of that.
But I figure that since it
wasn’t easy being a boy, it couldn’t be any easier being a girl.
True, I didn’t have to fight off boys who had as many hands as
hormones, don’t have to worry about whether I can “learn to
identify [my] natural highs” so I can get the new Girl Scout
“High On Life” merit badge, and will never have to lie to my
parents so I can have the new Eminem doll that’s due out in July
by telling them it comes with a bar of soap so you can wash its
mouth out. But as boys we had our fair share of problems. If you
don’t believe me ask my mother. She had three boys so she has a
long list of them. Trust me, I’ve heard it many times.
Actually, in the United
States girls have it easy. In Afghanistan the Taliban won’t let
girls get an education, leave the house with more than three square
inches of skin showing, or participate in blowing up ancient,
irreplaceable statues of Buddha. And you thought your parents were
In India, pregnant women
are using ultrasound to find out if they’re carrying a boy or
girl, and if it’s a girl many of them have it aborted. As in many
countries, they think it’s more advantageous to bring boys into
the family. That’s because in India boys can inherit ancestral
property, carry on the family farm or business, and try out for the
XFL. Come on, haven’t they heard of cheerleaders over there?
If the zygote
sees a purely vegetarian menu, it selects “Female” as the option
on the Diverse Nature Assignment (DNA) form since, face it, no
self-respecting male wants to subsist on tofu and wheat grass for
In England they have a whole other outlook— they want
girls. Since 106 boys are born there for every 100 girls, scientists
are trying to figure out how to tip the balance. They’re doing
this so they can change the name from the British Isles to
Temptation Island, adopt “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” as their
national anthem instead of the sexually ambiguous “God Save The
Queen”, and use “Girls! Girls! Girls!” as their new tourism
slogan. I knew there was something I liked about that country
besides “The Full Monty” and their muffins.
According to a study
performed at Nottingham University (motto: “If it’s Nottingham,
then what is it?”), becoming a vegetarian will help you have a
girl. This is quite different than what hip young college guys have
known for years, which is that becoming a vegetarian will help you get
a girl. Providing, that is, you don’t mind body hair, intense
discussions about whether cell phones increase global warming, and
having to keep your mouth shut about your theory that eating bean
sprouts is the equivalent of plant abortion. Trust me, saying,
“Oh, those poor beans that never had a chance to live to
maturity!” isn’t the way to a vegetarian girl’s heart.
The scientists at
Nottingham U found that women who don’t eat meat or fish give
birth to more girls than do pregnant carnivores. One hundred girls
for every 81 boys, as a matter of fact. The researchers suspect this
is because as soon as the sperm fertilizes the egg, the resulting
zygote looks at the menu to order the next day’s breakfast, much
like you do in a hospital, which of course a womb is if you’re a
zygote. (Zygotes, it should be noted, have no sex at this point, and
if its father has any say in the matter it won’t for at least 25
years.) If the zygote sees a purely vegetarian menu, it selects
“Female” as the option on the Diverse Nature Assignment (DNA)
form since, face it, no self-respecting male wants to subsist on
tofu and wheat grass for nine months. Unless, of course he’s
young, hip, in college, and thinks it will get him a girl.
This will lead to some major changes in the English way
of life. Not because they’ll be soy milk swilling, tempeh sucking
vegetarians, but because in a few years the country will be
dominated by women.
Thus, nine months from now we can expect a boom in the number
of girls being born in England. It won’t be because they heard
about this study and decided they don’t want to have ill-tempered,
foul-mouthed, cigarette-smoking teenage boys on their hands like
their parents—and their parents before them—did, but rather that
they don’t have a choice. After all, they’re quickly becoming a
nation of forced vegetarians since no one wants to eat meat thanks
to mad cow disease and foot-and-mouth disease. It’s true. The
threat of illness has done what years of overboiled beef, greasy
sausage rolls, and Innards-In-A-Crust couldn’t.
This will lead to some
major changes in the English way of life. Not because they’ll be
soy milk swilling, tempeh sucking vegetarians, but because in a few
years the country will be dominated by women. Dart boards will come
in soft pastel colors. Calling each other “mate” will be
considered a come-on and prosecutable
sexual harassment. The House of Lords will become the House of
Ladies. And Guinness stout will be renamed Guinness Plus Size since
no one wants to drink something that makes them sound fat. But when
the day comes that tofu and chips becomes the national meal you’ll
know that things went just a little too far. God save what’s left
of the empire.
©2001 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while drinking new Guinness Plus Size.