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Eating
Your Way Through The Seven Deadly Sins
by Mad Dog
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This is truly high
class meat which comes from Japanese cows that are raised on beer and
massaged daily, which of course is every man’s fantasy. No, not to eat
a hamburger made from pampered cows, but rather to be raised on beer and
massaged daily. |
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Have you ever woken up,
stretched, and thought, “You know, what the world really needs is a
good $41 hamburger.”? Well your dreams have been answered. That’s
right, your medical insurance will pay for your therapy. Then, once
you’re cured of such ridiculous dreams and go back to images of
Elysian fields, cute little Teddy bears, and Barbie’s cute friend
Midge before she got knocked up, you can take a trip to New York City
and dine at the Old Homestead restaurant where your dreams will become
reality when you pay through the nose and eat the city’s most
expensive hamburger.
Yes, it really does cost $41,
and that’s because it’s made from Kobe beef. This is truly high
class meat which comes from Japanese cows that are raised on beer and
massaged daily, which of course is every man’s fantasy. No, not to eat
a hamburger made from pampered cows, but rather to be raised on beer and
massaged daily. And to be born with a remote in lieu of a right hand, of
course. Since this is no ordinary overpriced hamburger, it comes with
herb butter in the middle, is served on a special roll, and is garnished
with exotic mushrooms, microgreens, and gourmet secret sauce. There are
no sesame seeds in sight but garlic fries are included. You know, it’s
sounding like more of a deal every second.
When the burger debuted recently, the
restaurant sold as many as 200 a day, and that was before the drive-thru
window was installed to accommodate the line-up of stretch limos.
Considering that for the same price you can chow down on 40 regular
McDonald’s burgers—or 16 Big Macs—you have to wonder if it can
possibly be worth the price. Or whether all it will really do is force
people into church because eating one violates each one of the seven
deadly sins.
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The deeper you get
into it the more complicated this sinning business turns out to be, so
my best advice is to either live a very pure and boring life or pray
that you lose your conscience at the same time as your consciousness. |
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The deadly sins, for those of you who have never read the
Lawrence Sanders’ series, sat through the movie Seven, or
pretended to be paying attention during catechism class when you were
actually wondering whether Sister Mary Augustine spent her weekends
sashaying around as Sister Bambi, are pride, envy, gluttony, lust,
anger, greed, and sloth. This Top-7 Sin List was created by Pope Gregory
I at the end of the sixth century because there was no birth control,
gay priests, or cloning to take a stand against and, well, he had to do
something, didn’t he? As sins go these aren’t as deadly as mortal
sins—in spite of their name—though they’re worse than venial ones.
The deeper you get into it the more complicated this sinning business
turns out to be, so my best advice is to either live a very pure and
boring life or pray that you lose your conscience at the same time as
your consciousness.
So how can one Budget Bustin’
Burger drive you into confessional? First, there’s the sin of pride in
knowing your credit card limit will let you afford one. There’s the
envy that pushed you to be overly extravagant because all your friends
have already eaten one and you can’t stand being the only person at
the cocktail party who has to not only eat a Whopper but tell one.
There’s the lust you have for that fine shiatsued Kobe beef made from
cattle that should enter a 12-step program. There’s the anger at
realizing you could have taken 10 friends to McDonald’s for that
money. And impressed them by supersizing it. There’s the greed that
makes you eat every bite even after you’re full because, well, at four
bucks a nibble you’re not about to let it go to waste or—god
forbid!—be seen carrying a doggy bag out of there (score another one
for pride). Then there’s the sloth from not being able to do anything
for the rest of the day while your stomach tries to digest it. Of course
the gluttony is obvious.
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Another word, gloutonnerie, would more accurately be
translated as gluttony. In other words, if they have their way gluttony
would still be a sin in English- speaking countries but not in France. |
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Actually, you may not have to worry about this last sin much
longer. Well, not if a group of French chefs, writers, and media stars
get their way. According to the creatively named French newspaper Le
Journal du Dimanche—literally The Sunday Newspaper—members of
the Association for the Gourmand are planning to ask Pope John Paul II
to remove gluttony as a deadly sin. The problem, it turns out, is one of
semantics. Gourmandise is the French word for the Catholic
church's gluttony sin. While it used to mean eating to excess, these
days it connotes conviviality and good living. Another word, gloutonnerie,
would more accurately be translated as gluttony. In other words, if they
have their way gluttony would still be a sin in English-speaking
countries but not in France.
This language clean-up should come as
no surprise since the French are known for being sticklers about their
native tongue, especially when English creeps in. That’s why the Acadamie
Francaise, whose patron saint is Nicolas Chauvin, works overtime to
come up with French words no one cares about. A Walkman is a baladeur.
Software is logiciel. But no one uses the words. They prefer to
put “le” in front of an English word and use that, which is why they
play le golf over le week-end just before they have le
pique-nique. And yes, sometimes they eat l'hamburger, though
it’s doubtful they’d pay 38.77 euros for one. After all, that would
make them angry and, well, that’s a deadly sin.
©2003 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them, but don't get $41 hamburger grease all over them.
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