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Gorilla My Dreams
by Mad Dog


How embarrassing for poor Casey. There are two female gorillas in the zoo who are ready, willing, and waiting, and face it, nothing says rank amateur like being caught watching a sex instruction video. 
I donít know why Iím bothering to write this, the chances are slim anyone will ever read it. You see, I send my columns out by email and most newspapersí email systems are going to reject it. I also post it on my Web site, but anyone who spends the better part of the day at work pretending to be busy while actually cruising the Net ó you know who you are! ó wonít be able to see it because it will be blocked by Internet filtering programs with names like Net Nanny, CyberSitter, and What, You Want to Have Fun? that employers use because itís against company policy for employees to enjoy themselves. So whatís the problem? Simple. Itís going to be impossible to write this without using the word porn. Hey, itís not my fault if gorilla porn is all the rage in New Orleans.

   Gorilla porn isnít what you think it is, especially if youíre thinking what I think youíre thinking, and if thatís the case you need to wash your brain out with soap right this instant and never even consider setting foot in Tijuana again. No, the gorilla porn thatís being shown in New Orleans is between consenting primates and is intended for an audience that likes to monkey around. Or would if he could figure out what it is heís supposed to do. The he in question is Casey, a 21-year-old Western lowland gorilla who lives in New Orleansí Audubon Zoo. Heís being shown a video of gorillas having carnal fun in the hopes that heíll be inspired to do what supposedly comes naturally. Apparently some gorillas think swinging should only be done from branch to branch.


Itís not going to work. I had the privilege of seeing monkey sex once and it isnít all itís cracked up to be. 
   How embarrassing for poor Casey. There are two female gorillas in the zoo who are ready, willing, and waiting, and face it, nothing says rank amateur like being caught watching a sex instruction video. At least when my parents gave me a copy of The Stork is a Big Fat Stupid White Liar I was smart enough not to read it at school in front of Debbie Pollard, who may have been ready, willing, and waiting for me as well, but even if she had been I wasnít bright enough to pick up on it. How could I be, I didnít even understand the reproductively boring book. After I finished it I went up to my mother and said, ďThat was pretty interesting Mom, but how do you do it?Ē Okay, I didnít but I should have. It would have saved me years of embarrassing fumbling and snickering innuendos aimed my way. Not to mention thousands of dollars in therapistís fees.

   Caseyís being shown two film clips, one taken at the Denver Zoo and the other featuring Ron Jeremy. Just kidding. Actually Ron Jeremy isnít a gorilla, he just looks like one if he doesnít shave his body. The second video is actually from the Atlanta Zoo and, like the first, features scenes of hot nasty monkey love. Itís not going to work. I had the privilege of seeing monkey sex once and it isnít all itís cracked up to be. I was in a monkey forest in Bali when, right on a temple altar in front of me, two monkeys started going at it. And yes, thatís the technical term zoologists use for it. Adolescent ones anyway. As I watched, the male mounted the female, bared his teeth, and got jiggy for about 20 seconds, which coincidentally was the exact amount of time it took me to pull out my camera so I could take a photo. Before I could capture the Kodak Moment for posterity, the male stopped, got off, and sat still while the female groomed him. After about a minute of pampering he jumped up, jumped on, and started the routine all over again. It gives new meaning to the concept of full service salon.


Casey still has 30 good years to figure out what to do. Heck, it took me almost that long. Or will, depending on who you ask.
   The zookeepers are showing Casey the films at night when heís in his inside cage. What a dumb idea. Even if the racy film clips were to inspire him, what are the odds heíd be able to wait until morning when the girls are up and about? Not that it matters, since so far the primate porn isnít piquing his curiosity. The problem, it turns out, is that Casey was born in captivity so this is all new to him. Without my mother around to give him a copy of Where Do Baby Gorillas Come From?, Casey hasnít a clue what to do when the females act interested. I feel for him. I remember the feeling well. Then again, I turned out...well, maybe thatís a bad example.

   Thereís really no need to rush Casey. After all, male gorillas can produce offspring well into their 50s which, while not as impressive as Les Colley who fathered a child when he was nearly 94 years old, still gives Casey 30 good years to figure out what to do. Heck, it took me almost that long. Or will, depending on who you ask. Hey, itís not easy making someone go bananas over you. Right, Casey?

©2004 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while waiting for Ron Jeremy to shave.

 

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