Developing Lo-fat Humans
by Mad Dog
Then someone decided that weight wasnt important, body fat
was. Their reasoning was based on a simple discovery: that a pound of Crisco weighs more
than 12 ounces of meat.
|| Now that
scientists have managed to make lo-fat versions of every food product known to
shopperkind, isnt it time they did the same thing to people?
Youd think this would be easy. After all, if
they can push the evolutionary scale of butter ahead by first creating margarine, then
lo-fat margarine, and then "I Cant Believe Its a Food Product!", why
cant they figure out a way to take the fat out of us?
Its not like we dont need it.
After all, 54 percent of the adults in this country are overweight, as are 25 percent of
the children. But if you ask them why they have so much trouble losing weight youll
find that every one of them gives the same response: "Would you pass the potatoes and
To be fair, overweight people have had a
hard time knowing for sure if theyre fat. For years weight was the yardstick, and
that meant checking it against a chart which showed the optimum weight for your height.
This worked well until everyone in the country declared themselves to be large framed,
thereby eliminating the last good reason not to eat that third helping of pecan pie a la
Then someone decided that weight
wasnt important, body fat was. Their reasoning was based on a simple discovery: that
a pound of Crisco weighs more than 12 ounces of meat. To measure this in the human body,
which unlike a can of Crisco doesnt take well to using a can opener to look inside,
they started measuring the roll of fat around your waist. You know, the thing you
affectionately call a spare tire, love handles, or "I Cant Believe Daddys
Not Pregnant!". They did this fat using a pair of calipers, an instrument that looks
and feels a lot like those tongs they used to deliver blocks of ice with, except that
unlike ice tongs, calipers werent outlawed under the Geneva Convention.
But now scientists have come up with the simplest, most accurate way to figure out if
youre overweight. Its represented by the simple formula: TV=FAT.
someone figured out that they could measure body fat by weighing a person who was sitting
in a tub of water. This was based on Archimedes Principle, which states that "the
amount of water displaced by an object is directly proportional to how long it will take
to mop up the floor afterwards."
More recently, someone devised a mathematical formula which lets
you figure out your body fat percentage by using a scale and a calculator. This method
works well as long as you remember to step on the scale and not on the calculator.
To come up with your body fat index, divide
your height in meters squared by your weight in kilograms. If youre an American,
this means youll typically make a mistake like forgetting to place that one in front
of your weight in pounds so youll end up converting our weight into Celsius, which
really isnt as bad as it seems since thats the same figure theyll be
using as the conversion rate for the Eurodollar, which will finally come to a wallet near
you once the French stop insisting that they put a picture of Jerry Lewis on it.
But now scientists have come up with the
simplest, most accurate way to figure out if youre overweight. Its represented
by the simple formula: TV=FAT, where TV is the amount of television you watch and FAT is,
A study in the Journal of the American
Medical Association (motto: "Even we fall asleep when we read it") showed that
children who watch a lot of television are measurably fatter than those who dont. In
the scientific world this is called a startling discovery. To the rest of us its
known as: Duh!
This proves that the makers of Godzilla were wrong about more than whether the American
public wanted to see a soulless remake of a good movie, because it turns out that size
really doesnt matter.
|| But TV isnt
the only culprit. Eating has a lot to do with it. After all, this is the country where
3,500 new soft drinks were introduced last year. Where each American eats an average of
26.2 pounds of candy annually. And where its so important to eat during a 3-hour
baseball game that you can now get orthodox Kosher food in Yankee Stadium.
But scientists need to figure out why eating too
much doesnt affect everyone. On the Fourth of July, Hirofumi Nakajima of Brooklyn,
N.Y. chowed down 19 hot dogs in 12 minutes to win Nathans Famous Hot Dog Eating
Contest for the third year in a row and he only weighs 135 pounds. Sure hes only 3
feet tall, but what does that have to do with it?
This proves that the makers of Godzilla
were wrong about more than whether the American public wanted to see a soulless remake of
a good movie, because it turns out that size really doesnt matter. Little guy
Nkajima beat out a 387-pound wimp who could only manage to scarf down a measly 17½
wieners in the allotted time, proving that being slim and trim isnt just better for
your heart, your blood pressure, and your longevity, but also for your appetite.
Dont be surprised to see these
conclusions in an upcoming issue of The Journal of the American Medical Association under
the title "Treating Obesitythe Key to Our Buying That New Vacation Home
Weve Been Looking At". Just remember: you saw it here first.
©1998 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. They
have no calories and no fat.