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What, Mea Culpa?
by Mad Dog


He probably made up the term on the spot because, well, Mapeepee just doesn’t have the same humorous sound to an 8-year-old mind as Macaca. It’s the consonants. Consonants are funny. 
People say the darndest things, and Art Linkletter would roll over in his grave if he could hear them, especially since they’re not coming from the mouths of babes. First, Mel Gibson showed his true colors, which are dangerously close to being a yellow armband with a star of David on it. In return he was crucified like the lead in The Passion of the Christ except when all was said and done he got a much lighter sentence — rehab, probation, and having to eat gefilte fish every night for a month. That’ll teach him.

   Then Republican Senator George Allen referred to an American-born Democratic campaign worker of Indian descent who just happened to be videotaping Allen at the time as “Macaca,” which as we all know is a term of endearment in some places. Okay, like maybe in George Allen’s house. All the talk about the word meaning a monkey, a racial slur in France, or a Bush-like description of the man’s haircut just don’t wash. I lived in Virginia when Allen was governor, so I can safely say that he didn’t have any idea what he was talking about then and he doesn’t now either. He probably made up the term on the spot because, well, Mapeepee just doesn’t have the same humorous sound to an 8-year-old mind as Macaca. It’s the consonants. Consonants are funny. Any comic knows that. Close front unrounded vowels aren’t. And bilabial fricatives? They’re only funny in Spanish and Japanese.

   One day people in the public eye will remember what the words “public eye” mean. We watch them, listen to them, and laugh at them in the privacy of our own homes, but we do hear what they say. And we can get our panties in a knot over it. This is especially true in this age of YouTube, blogs, and 24-hour newscasts that only have 12 minutes of news so it has to be repeated 120 times a day until we have it memorized but still don’t understand the ramifications. Word travels quickly and lasts a long time. Anything, but anything, can come back to bite you in the Macaca.


Paris went on to explain that her arrest was the result of not having eaten all day and wanting an In-N-Out burger. Yup, that will raise your blood-alcohol level to .08 if anything will. Repeat after me, Paris: it was the alcohol.
   Last week a tape of a private meeting surfaced in which Arnold “The Governor without a governor” Schwarzenegger discussed the nationality of Assemblywoman Bonnie Garcia by saying “Cuban, Puerto-Rican, they are all very hot. They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it." He apologized, saying the comments made him cringe, the syntax was pathetic for someone who’s been in this country for 38 years, and he’d be upset if his children said something like that. He promised to wash his mouth out with soap, give himself a time out, and make sure no one tapes any of his private meetings again. But hey, it could have been worse. He could have said Latinos are girlymen.

   Schwarzenegger, Gibson, and Allen all apologized, but the ultimate goal is to turn it around and make people feel sorry for you. After all, nothing says I’m sorry like getting sympathy. Take Paris Hilton. In case you somehow missed it, she was arrested for drunk driving because she was driving erratically. Of course reporters swarmed the police station like flies to, well, erstwhile sustenance. Paris objected the next day, saying "Everything I do is blown out of proportion and it really hurts my feelings." Poor baby.

   Let’s see. You love being a celebrity, you love making money without having talent, you love posing for the paparazzi, you love selling your CD, you hate being in the spotlight. Got it. Paris went on to explain that her arrest was the result of not having eaten all day and wanting an In-N-Out burger. Yup, that will raise your blood-alcohol level to .08 if anything will. Repeat after me, Paris: it was the alcohol. Not walking past the catering table at the video shoot without taking any M&Ms. Not the fact that there wasn’t an In-N-Out a few blocks closer. Of course in her defense, at least she was smart enough not to call the arresting officer “Rabbi Sugartitstein.”


Politicians only say what they’re told to say by their media advisors, the words and content being sculpted by polls, focus groups, and a fear having to get a real job like the rest of us. They should bag that and be more human.
   The problem is, aside from mouths moving faster than brains, there’s nothing you can say nowadays that won’t offend someone. I bet members of Hypersensitives Anonymous already have their pens out and are writing letters of protest because it’s not nice to make fun of people who are sensitive. We need to lighten up and stop being so ultra-PC and holier than thou. After all, humans are by definition human, and as a rule that’s a good thing. Okay, sometimes. Politicians only say what they’re told to say by their media advisors, the words and content being sculpted by polls, focus groups, and a fear having to get a real job like the rest of us. They should bag that and be more human.

   When Dick Cheney told Senator Pat Leahy to “go f___ yourself” he was being human. For a change. When legislators in Mexico blocked President Vincente Fox from being able to give his state of the union address, they were being passionate. It’s refreshing when fist fights break out in the Japanese Diet because tempers flare over an issue. It beats telling “my esteemed colleague from the great state of North Carolina” that you respectfully disagree when you know you’d really rather use a Cheney-ism. Hey, even in England they’ve been known to pull a wig or two off a Whig or two when the going gets hot.

   Remember, let he who has never said something stupid or put his foot in his mouth be the first to cast stones, and I mean that in the politically correct sense,  it should in no way be construed as having anything to do with being drunk, using drugs, or meting out punishment for Sharia law. So put that pen down. I’m sorry if I wasn’t thinking when I spoke. Pity me.

©2006 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. I apologize for them.

 

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