Official Column of the Millennium®
by Mad Dog
Just follow these few short rules and
youll find yourself talking like the pros and impressing your friends. Well, the
ones who arent already holed up in a fallout shelter.
|| The upcoming
millennium is quickly approaching and people everywhere are getting worried. Who can blame
them? After all, hotels and cruise ships have been sold out for New Years Eve since
the Bicentennial, your computer is sitting around at night plotting how best to stop
working and screw up your life on January 1st, and every breathing Republican has already
announced his or her candidacy for the First Presidential Election of the Millennium®,
including Dan Quayle, proving that the end of the world may be closer than you thought.
Lest you scoff, the year 2,000 really is a big deal.
Think of it as the equivalent of your odometer rolling over from 999,999 to 0, except you
cant trade the old year in on a new one to lower your car payments and absorb the
extra cost of that combination sun roof/tanning lamp/disco ball youve been coveting.
Since youve probably been too busy
trying to remember to write 1999 on your checks and scheduling your Advanced Macaroni
Sculpting class around the upcoming cavalcade of awards shows to give this as much thought
as you should, Im going to make your life a little easier by providing a handy Guide
to the New Millennium®. Just follow these few short rules and youll find yourself
talking like the pros and impressing your friends. Well, the ones who arent already
holed up in a fallout shelter eating C-rations and counting down the days until the year
To get in the swing of this, try saying, "Coming up next, millennium makeovers for a
better you", or "Ill have another Official Slim Jim of the Millennium®
||- First, its good
to know that millennium means thousand years. It comes from the Greek mill
("thousand") and ennium ("feels like it will never end").
Contrary to the way most people spell it, there are two Ls and two Ns in the
word. You can remember this by using a simple mnemonic device: a spellchecker. The reason
were celebrating the millennium is simple: our lives have become so mundane and
meaningless that well do anything to get drunk and forget that the Official TV
Season of the Millennium® will just as lame as this years.
- While its not required that you buy Official
Products of the Millennium®, its a good idea, since it will show people that you
have pride and optimism in the dawning of the New Age. And are a sucker for any lame-ass
advertising gimmick someone can dream up while talking on a cell phone aboard their
100-foot yacht. It wont be hard to find these products. Trademarks have already been
issued for Miller Beer ("The Official Sponsor of the Millennium"), United
Airlines ("The Official Airline of the Millennium"), Uncle Bens ("The
Official Food of the Millennium"), and enough others to fill your cupboard, which
come to think of it may be a good idea in case your supermarkets electric doors stop
working on January 1st. If you want to get in on the fun, hire a lawyer and apply to make
yourself the Official [your name here] of the New Millennium®. After all, if
youre like most people youve always dreamed of putting an ® after your name.
- Use the word millennium as often as possible,
preferably at least once in every sentence. Get into the habit now, since it will soon be
mandatoryas of January 1st millennium is The Official Word of the Millennium®.
Thats why every news show, magazine, and newspaper has made it a grammatically
required part of speech, right alongside nouns, verbs, and those other things your third
grade English teacher tried to drum into your head while you were carving your initials
into the kid in front of you. To get in the swing of this, try saying, "Coming up
next, millennium makeovers for a better you", "Ill have another Official
Slim Jim of the Millennium®, please", and "I know the new millennium
doesnt really start until January 1st, 2001, but Im so tired of partying like
its 1999 that I just cant wait."
Go around asking people "Why 2K?". This will never fail to get a laugh,
especially from those who are tired of that old joke, "Why is the Fourth of
||- Have lengthy
discussions about the Y2K problem. Its fun, its educational, and its
better than openly discussing your emotions, especially if youre a guy. Choose a
side and stick to itits equally as fun to claim the world will end in a fiery
blaze with the antichrist arriving in the form of Richard Simmons straight brother
as it is to smugly declare that even though a few computers will have a problem, its
not important because you know a guy who says he can access AOLs chat rooms on an
- Even though experts say there
wont be any major disasters at the start of the new year, just to be safe turn off
all electronic equipment on New Years Eve, including watches, computers, pagers, and
pacemakers. On the other hand, electric blankets, 4-track quad tape players, and electric
fondue pots should be okay, so you can rest easy knowing you wont go hungry, be
cold, or have to live in silence.
- If you do stockpile food because you believe
everything you read on the Net, make sure its food that wont go bad, like
bottled water, Spam, Cheet-os, and those cheap American cheese slices that dont
- Go around asking people "Why 2K?". This
will never fail to get a laugh, especially from those who are tired of that old joke,
"Why is the Fourth of July?".
- Finally, if all this sounds like more trouble
than its worth, you can avoid the millennium completely by becoming Chinese or
Jewish. Their calendars will be hitting 4697 and 5760, so their computers will work fine.
Sure youll have to learn to eat with chopsticks or wear a yarmulke, but thats
a small price to pay to avoid the problem entirely. Just think of them as the Official Way
Out of the Millennium®.
©1999 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while sitting in your fallout shelter.