Now There's a High Maintenance Career
by Mad Dog
Lots of actors have done this. Not wear aluminum
foil helmets like they should, but rather appear before Congress.
|| Theres something about fame and notoriety that makes a person want to,
well, use it. This isnt exactly a new concept, its been going on since Adam
parlayed being booted out of the Garden of Eden into a chain of barbecued rib stands.
Nowhere does this happen more than in Hollywood,
where actors love to cash inI mean, usetheir fame. They use it to sell books.
They use it to sell perfume. Some even lapse and use it for good by raising money for
charities. Usually they get over it. Then there are those who use their fame for political
purposes, thinking that just because they played a scientist in a movie of the week they
should testify before a congressional committee on how wearing an aluminum foil helmet can
keep the electromagnetic waves from leaking out of a cell phone and into your brain.
Lots of actors have done this. Not wear aluminum foil helmets
like they should, but rather appear before Congress. And lest you doubt that this is
something that should be stopped, please cut out the next sentence and tack it to the wall
where you can look at it daily:
"Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life." Brooke Shields, during an interview to become a
spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
No sooner did Amy Fisher get out of jail for shooting Mary Jo Buttafuoco in the head then
there was a proposal circulating around Hollywood to televise her reunion with Joey and
|| It doesnt
take a genius to see that the presence of a celebrity wont cure the worlds
ills. According to Time, when Richard Gere recently visited a refugee camp filled with
people who fled the ethnic cleansing in Kosovo, Hataxhe Ajeti, a refugee, saw him and
said, "Who is this coming? Oh, a famous actor. Too bad. What I need is a
This points up just how little people know about
whats good for them. All along Ajeti thought she needed medical care. It turns out
what she really needed was a video copy of The Jackal subtitled in Albanian. Shell
Actors arent the only ones guilty of using their fame.
Anyone whos anyone is doing it, and these days it doesnt take much. Paula
Jones has a psychic hotline. Cifford Irving is trying to peddle his admittedly made-up
Howard Hughes interviews. And Monica Lewinsky turned a few minutes on her knees into a
book deal and a slot on Saturday Night Live. Sure the book wound up in the half-price bin
after only two and a half months, but so what? Her advance was more than enough to let her
dump those stylish berets and fill her hat rack with baseball caps.
Once you have a taste of it, fame is hard to let go. No sooner
did Amy Fisher, "The Long Island Lolita", get out of jail for shooting Mary Jo
Buttafuoco in the head then there was a proposal circulating around Hollywood to televise
her reunion with Joey and his wife.
Bush bought up over 60 domain names so people cant have web sites with addresses
like bush- sucks.com and bushbites.com.
|| You have to feel
sorry for them. Amys been out of the limelight for seven years while she was locked
up. Joeys spent that time valiantly trying to make a career out of being a
professional guest on Howard Stern. And Mary Jos been, well, who knows where
shes been. So someone, probably the brain trust which came up with the idea for
Desmond Pfeiffer, realized that what theyI mean weneed is to see them all get
back together. Live. On TV. Without guns this time!
question isnt so much whether we do or dont need to see thissomething
tells me we willthe question is, does this belong on Oprah, where theyll
reconcile, hug, and cry a lot, or on the Jerry Springer Show under the name "Guys,
the Jailbait they Screwed, and Their Forgiving Wives With A Bullet Still Lodged in Their
Head" where theyll fight while the audience chants, "Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry!"? I vote we give it to Geraldo Rivera. After all, this could be even bigger
than when he opened Al Capones vaultthis time well be able to stare at
the TV and see three empty, vacuous, cobweb-filled spaces.
Trying to keep your name in the publics mind isnt
easy. It takes a lot of hard work. You have to make sure people not only remember it, but
remember it the way you want them to. George Bush (the trying-to-be-president one, not the
I-wish-I-did-something-while-I-was-president one) is doing his best to keep his good name
clean. To help do that, hes gone and bought up over 60 domain names so people
cant have web sites with addresses like bushsucks.com and bushbites.com.
Proctor & Gamble, never ones to be outdone by a politician
trying to ride on his fathers coattails, is doing the same thing to stop animal
rights activists who claim the companys new pet deodorizer, Febreze, is dangerous to
the animals. Theyve gone and snapped up a pile of domain names including febrezekillspets.com,
febrezesucks.com, and ihateproctorandgamble.com. This is definitely
misguided energy. Wouldnt they have made much better use of their time and money
trying to come up with a product name that didnt sound like a feminine deodorant
This is the company thats sold
40,000 Alien All Risk policies covering loses in the event the policyholders are abducted,
eaten, or have microchips implanted by aliens.
|| So aside from
snapping up negative domain names, is there anything else a famous person can do to insure
that they stay famous? Well, yes. They can go on every talk show imaginable. They can hire
a publicist to get them on the cover of magazine after magazine. They could even do
quality work. Nah, that would be asking a bit much.
they need then is fame insurance. After all, they already insure their body
partsleaving one to wonder whether Pamela Anderson Lee filed a claim against her
insurance company for loss of assets or vice versaso why not their fame itself?
They could try contacting Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson,
an insurance company in England with a name longer than the Magna Carta which specializes
in insuring the, uh, unusual. This is the company thats sold 40,000 Alien All Risk
policies covering loses in the event the policyholders are abducted, eaten, or have
microchips implanted by aliens. This is the company thats insured over 15,000 women
against having a virgin birth at the millennium (which points out just how misguided some
people can bewhat better way to bring instant fame, fortune, book deals, and a slot
on Saturday Night Live than to mother the new Messiah?). And this is the company
thats issued policies to protect against becoming a werewolf, a house being haunted,
and your dying or being injured by ghosts.
So why not insure stars against lost fame? This way the famous
could sit back in their pool, sip another jalapeño-cranberry vodka martini, and not have
to do icky things like hire someone to ghostwrite another health and beauty book, schedule
an appearance before Congress, or embarrass all of us by appearing on Hollywood Squares.
That would do more to help our quality of life than anything.
©1999 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
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