to Be Mr. Right
by Mad Dog
Scientists say that as humans evolved, a
mans height became a good gauge of his ability to provide food and protection from
enemies. According to this thinking a basketball player would be the ultimate husband.
|| What do women want in a man? If I could answer this with any semblance of
certainty Id be rich, famous, and hated by women everywhere. Yes, hated. They relish
the mystique, like keeping us guessing, and the last thing in the world they want is to
think that we understand them. Trust me, they have nothing to worry about.
The simple fact is I dont understand women any better than I understand quantum
string theory, why you have to pay to lift free weights, or why anyone would think a
remake of Charlies Angels is a good idea. It would seem that after being around
women all my lifestarting with my mother, who happens to be a womanI should
have a clue, but I dont. The difference is, unlike other men, I dont mind
admitting it. Im perfectly content to shrug my shoulders and mutter a little "cest
la vie", "vive la différence", or "au revoir"
as I hit the remote so I can watch another episode of Americas Funniest Home
Massacres, my favorite show as long as Im not an active participant.
But this doesnt stop researchers from trying to figure
women out. They do this for several reasons. For one, there are those great big gobs of
government and corporate bucks sitting on their lab benches which keep falling into their
petrie dishes, and if they dont spend it the cleaning people will vacuum it up and
then theyll just have to apply for more, and thats work. For another, no one
really expects them to come up with a good answer, unlike searching for a cure for cancer,
a vaccine against the common cold, or the reason why theres a never-ending string of
best-selling fiction written by lawyers who already have more money than talent.
This helps explain why men are naturally more promiscuous than women and why women like
Martha Stewart. It doesnt, as popularly thought, explain why most men are fascinated
by large breasts. Thats simply because were crude pigs.
|| But they keep
trying. Not the lawyers, the researchers. In a recent issue of Nature (motto:
"Its a natural!") a group of scientists reported that women prefer tall
men. The next thing you know theyll decide that dark and handsome are desired
attributes too. They figured this outthe researchers, not the womenby noticing
that married men tend to be taller than bachelors, and fathers are generally taller than
non-fathers. This brings up the question of cause and effect, which is to scientists what
the chicken and the egg is to philosophers. The question begs: Do women really prefer to
marry taller men, or do men just have a growing spurt once they get married because of the
pent up hormones caused by a decrease in the quantity of sex? This, in turn, raises the
discussion of quality versus quantity, but well save that for another time,
preferably one when my testosterone level isnt doing an imitation of the Johnstown
scientists rationalized their findings by saying that as humans evolved a mans
height became a good gauge of his ability to provide food and protection from enemies.
According to this thinking a basketball player would be the ultimate husband, which is
true when you think about how much food their astronomical salaries can provide and how
they can kick their enemies butts. Or at least slam dunk them. Of course there are
exceptions to this, like Dennis Rodman, who may have the money but is his own worst enemy.
And nothing says "lack of husband material" like someone whos too busy
kicking his own ass to pay attention to his wifes. Or borrowing her dresses and
This is all part of the branch of science known as
evolutionary psychology, which is the concept that many of the patterns, habits, and
things we do date back to the cave, where survival needs drove us, not SUVs. They say
that, just as the fittest survived, so did their personality traits. This helps explain
why men are naturally more promiscuous than women (its a primal urge to sow our
seeds often and increase the chances of our genes sticking around) and why women like
Martha Stewart (those caves were pretty dark and dingy and there werent any Pier
Ones around). It doesnt, as popularly thought, explain why most men are fascinated
by large breasts. Thats simply because were crude pigs.
It turns out that when a woman is ovulating she prefers men with more masculine features.
When shes menstruating she prefers more feminine ones. And right before menstruating
she doesnt want to see a guy at all.
|| The problem with
this, and any other theory that tries to predict womens likes and dislikes, is that
women are fickle and change their minds more often than the color of their fingernails. To
prove it, last year some researchers from Scotland and Japan got together and invented
McSushi. Just kidding. Actually what they did was find out that what a woman finds
attractive in a mans face varies according to her menstrual cycle. If you dont
believe me you can read it in a July issue of Nature, which in case you havent
noticed is the Official Scientific Journal of This Weeks Column.
It turns out that when a woman is ovulating (or able to conceive) she prefers men with
more masculine features. When shes menstruating (unable to conceive), she prefers
more feminine ones. And right before menstruating a woman doesnt want to see a guy
at all, though if she does shell rip the chocolate out of his hands, slam the door
in his face, start crying, and then not think anything of it because, after all,
I cant help but wonder if I could put all these little
clues to good use and turn myself into the perfect man. Yeah, right. As if I could be much
more perfect. Even if I did try it wouldnt ring true, it would be too much like The
RulesRole Reversal Edition. Im not saying love me or leave me (though lord
knows thats happened to me before), what I am saying is that if theres one
thing I know about women its that they arent like fish who can be attracted if
you have the perfect lure. Unless, of course youre tall, dark, handsome, and catch
her at the right time of the month.
©2000 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while waiting for evolution to catch up to your psychology.