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Learning
to Be Mr. Right
by Mad Dog
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Scientists say that as humans evolved, a
man’s height became a good gauge of his ability to provide food and protection from
enemies. According to this thinking a basketball player would be the ultimate husband. |
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What do women want in a man? If I could answer this with any semblance of
certainty I’d be rich, famous, and hated by women everywhere. Yes, hated. They relish
the mystique, like keeping us guessing, and the last thing in the world they want is to
think that we understand them. Trust me, they have nothing to worry about.
The simple fact is I don’t understand women any better than I understand quantum
string theory, why you have to pay to lift free weights, or why anyone would think a
remake of Charlie’s Angels is a good idea. It would seem that after being around
women all my life—starting with my mother, who happens to be a woman—I should
have a clue, but I don’t. The difference is, unlike other men, I don’t mind
admitting it. I’m perfectly content to shrug my shoulders and mutter a little "c’est
la vie", "vive la différence", or "au revoir"
as I hit the remote so I can watch another episode of America’s Funniest Home
Massacres, my favorite show as long as I’m not an active participant.
But this doesn’t stop researchers from trying to figure
women out. They do this for several reasons. For one, there are those great big gobs of
government and corporate bucks sitting on their lab benches which keep falling into their
petrie dishes, and if they don’t spend it the cleaning people will vacuum it up and
then they’ll just have to apply for more, and that’s work. For another, no one
really expects them to come up with a good answer, unlike searching for a cure for cancer,
a vaccine against the common cold, or the reason why there’s a never-ending string of
best-selling fiction written by lawyers who already have more money than talent.
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This helps explain why men are naturally more promiscuous than women and why women like
Martha Stewart. It doesn’t, as popularly thought, explain why most men are fascinated
by large breasts. That’s simply because we’re crude pigs. |
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But they keep
trying. Not the lawyers, the researchers. In a recent issue of Nature (motto:
"It’s a natural!") a group of scientists reported that women prefer tall
men. The next thing you know they’ll decide that dark and handsome are desired
attributes too. They figured this out—the researchers, not the women—by noticing
that married men tend to be taller than bachelors, and fathers are generally taller than
non-fathers. This brings up the question of cause and effect, which is to scientists what
the chicken and the egg is to philosophers. The question begs: Do women really prefer to
marry taller men, or do men just have a growing spurt once they get married because of the
pent up hormones caused by a decrease in the quantity of sex? This, in turn, raises the
discussion of quality versus quantity, but we’ll save that for another time,
preferably one when my testosterone level isn’t doing an imitation of the Johnstown
Flood. The
scientists rationalized their findings by saying that as humans evolved a man’s
height became a good gauge of his ability to provide food and protection from enemies.
According to this thinking a basketball player would be the ultimate husband, which is
true when you think about how much food their astronomical salaries can provide and how
they can kick their enemies’ butts. Or at least slam dunk them. Of course there are
exceptions to this, like Dennis Rodman, who may have the money but is his own worst enemy.
And nothing says "lack of husband material" like someone who’s too busy
kicking his own ass to pay attention to his wife’s. Or borrowing her dresses and
make-up.
This is all part of the branch of science known as
evolutionary psychology, which is the concept that many of the patterns, habits, and
things we do date back to the cave, where survival needs drove us, not SUVs. They say
that, just as the fittest survived, so did their personality traits. This helps explain
why men are naturally more promiscuous than women (it’s a primal urge to sow our
seeds often and increase the chances of our genes sticking around) and why women like
Martha Stewart (those caves were pretty dark and dingy and there weren’t any Pier
Ones around). It doesn’t, as popularly thought, explain why most men are fascinated
by large breasts. That’s simply because we’re crude pigs.
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It turns out that when a woman is ovulating she prefers men with more masculine features.
When she’s menstruating she prefers more feminine ones. And right before menstruating
she doesn’t want to see a guy at all. |
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The problem with
this, and any other theory that tries to predict women’s likes and dislikes, is that
women are fickle and change their minds more often than the color of their fingernails. To
prove it, last year some researchers from Scotland and Japan got together and invented
McSushi. Just kidding. Actually what they did was find out that what a woman finds
attractive in a man’s face varies according to her menstrual cycle. If you don’t
believe me you can read it in a July issue of Nature, which in case you haven’t
noticed is the Official Scientific Journal of This Week’s Column.
It turns out that when a woman is ovulating (or able to conceive) she prefers men with
more masculine features. When she’s menstruating (unable to conceive), she prefers
more feminine ones. And right before menstruating a woman doesn’t want to see a guy
at all, though if she does she’ll rip the chocolate out of his hands, slam the door
in his face, start crying, and then not think anything of it because, after all,
that’s PMS.
I can’t help but wonder if I could put all these little
clues to good use and turn myself into the perfect man. Yeah, right. As if I could be much
more perfect. Even if I did try it wouldn’t ring true, it would be too much like The
Rules—Role Reversal Edition. I’m not saying love me or leave me (though lord
knows that’s happened to me before), what I am saying is that if there’s one
thing I know about women it’s that they aren’t like fish who can be attracted if
you have the perfect lure. Unless, of course you’re tall, dark, handsome, and catch
her at the right time of the month.
©2000 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while waiting for evolution to catch up to your psychology.
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