Sticks and stones may break your bones, but your name, well, it could kill you
by Mad Dog
The odds of seeing a President Tammy or a Prime
Minister Keanu in our lifetime is about as good as Jim Carrey playing Laura in a film
version of the Glass Menagerie.
|| The first thing parents should be told when handed their newborn
babyright after "Congratulations! Youll spend more to raise this child to
the age of 19 than the gross national product of a Third World country"is to be
careful what they name it.
people choose their childrens name very casually. They pick something they like,
often a name that honors a dead relative, a revered historical figure, a character on
Beverly Hills 90210, or their favorite endangered waterfowl. Well youd better think
twice if youre in that position, because a name has more to do with how someone
turns out than all the genes in their little finger. Thats right, your personality,
career path, and chances for happiness are all right there in those randomly chosen
Think about it. Presidents are named Bill,
George, Jimmy, and Dick. Stock brokers are named Chip, Biff, Sarah, and Stephanie. Any of
them can be named unindicted co-conspirators. Many, in fact, are.
I hate to be the one to break the news, but
the odds of seeing a President Tammy or a Prime Minister Keanu in our lifetime is about as
good as Jim Carrey playing Laura in a film version of the Glass Menagerie. True,
theres a Newt and Alcee and Steny running around Congress, but what would you expect
from a governing body that tried to turn Lake Champlain into a Great Lake?
Did it shock anyone in Pisgah, Maryland when Alonda Ann Hoe was arrested on charges of
prostitution? Of course not.
wheres the proof?" youre probably asking as you hope and pray that even
though your parents named you Chernobyl your life doesnt have to be a bomb, but
could instead be a blast. Well, we have it. In an announcement at the meeting of the
Society of Behavioral Medicine (motto: "Act up again and youll think
youre Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest") a team of
researchers reported that people with "good" initials live longer and are less
likely to commit suicide or die in an accident than those who have "negative"
initials. It kind of makes you proud to be a taxpayer, doesnt it?
After studying 5 million California death
certificates, these dedicated scientists from the University of California at San Diego
discovered that men with initials like WOW, GOD, and JOY live longer than those with
initials that spell things like PIG and BUM. Why this happens is unclear, though the
researchers think that years of being unmercifully teased at school about having initials
that spell ICK and YUK take their toll on a persons self-esteem, and we all know
that low self-esteem is the #1 killer of people with lousy initials.
So if initials can have an impact, what do
you think a name can do? A lot. Some names are pure fate-in-waiting. Dont you think
Jay R. Titsworth was supposed to be the president of Jantzen Swimwear when they released
their bust-enhancing swimsuits a few years back? And did it shock anyone in Pisgah,
Maryland when Alonda Ann Hoe was arrested on charges of prostitution? Of course not.
Other names appear benign but arent.
Take the dreaded Jones Curse. In Jonesboro, Arkansas a 13-year-old boy opened fire at
school, killing four students and a teacher while injuring 10 others. At the same time,
President Clinton was spending his second term in office in a constant state of possible
indictment thanks to....yes, Paula Jones. And if these allegations are true, it will
substantiate that Clinton has a sexual jones, but of course we wont know for sure
until we see it on tomorrows edition of Jenny Jones.
Avoid names with initials that arent allowed on vanity license plates. Dont
marry ice skaters. And above all, beware of anyone or anyplace named Jones.
convinced? In 1978 the 900 followers of Jim Jones Kool-Aided themselves to death at the
Peoples Temple in Jonestown, Guyana. Then theres the questionable death of
Rolling Stones guitar player Brian Jones, the questionable origin of Grace Jones, and the
questionable alumni of Bob Jones University. Not to mention all the people who dont
question the Dow Jones average, which has been anything but average lately.
The real question is: If youre saddled with a
bum name or initials, is there anything you can do to stop this? Sure, change it. Paula
Jones got married and changed hersright along with her hair, her lawyer, and her
storyand so far shes gotten farther along with her lawsuit than anyone else,
including Kenneth Starr, whos been preoccupied trying to convince people hes
not Ringos brother.
A couple of years back Chithrabhuna
Koodalattupuram changed his name to Chith Puram for obvious reasons ("I'd like to
sell one of my vowels back to you, Vanna!") and Jeff Gillooly changed his name to
Jeff Stone in the hopes that no one would remember him when he got out of prison. See? It
Gillooly, to jar a memory you probably
tried hard to suppress, was the mini-mind behind the kneecapping of Olympic skater Nancy
Kerrigan. Right before getting out of prisonoddly enough for the kneecapping and not
for having the incredibly poor judgment to have married Tonya Hardinghe petitioned
the court to change his name to Jeff Stone.
Although this sounds like your simple
everyday name change, poor Gillooly had to put up a fight before being awarded the new
moniker. First a genuine Jeff Stone testified that it would be a slur on his good name.
Then Paul Peterson, who portrayed Jeff Stone on the Donna Reed Show ("I'm not
really Jeff Stone, but I played one on TV"), complained that it would be an affront
to the purity and sanctity of 1960's television. They lost. GilloolyI mean,
The lessons here are simple. Think hard
before naming your children. Avoid names with initials that arent allowed on vanity
license plates. Dont marry ice skaters. And above all, beware of anyone or anyplace
named Jones. Especially if your name is Bill Clinton.
©1998 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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