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Hello! It's The New Grammar
by Mad Dog


While most slang comes and goes faster than you can say “It’s the bee’s knees,” there are new words and phrases that become a permanent part of our vocabulary. 
Language is an ever-changing thing. Bad can mean good, cool can mean hot, and if you don’t adapt quickly you’re in trouble because before you know it the words have reverted to their old meanings. Or entirely new ones. That’s why it doesn’t pay to try to be too hip, especially if you’re over the age of 18. And doubly especially if you’re over the age of 18 and white. Sorry. I mean, a person of no color.

   Face it, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a 40-year-old white guy wearing low-hanging, baggy jeans, huge gold chains around his neck, and an askew baseball cap saying, “Word homie, that fly bling-bling is da bomb” at the PricewaterhouseCoopers company picnic. Especially when he’s a vice president who thinks askew is the sound of a sneeze. Okay, maybe his 38-year-old wife who’s dressed like Britney — were Britney to wear size 10 clothes when she was actually a size 14 — is more embarrassing, but it’s a close call. Just because white suburban teenagers hang around the mall pretending they’re from Compton is no excuse for their parents to co-opt and compound the foolishness. Remember, with luck the kids will outgrow the phase by the time they graduate Harvard Business School. If you’re in the working world and haven’t outgrown it, it’s too late. Word up.


While the dictionary says whatever can be a pronoun, an adjective, or an interjection, it’s more than that. So much more that it deserves to be its own part of speech.
   While most slang comes and goes faster than you can say “It’s the bee’s knees,” there are new words and phrases that become a permanent part of our vocabulary. That’s how dictionaries stay in business, otherwise we’d all still be using our great-great-great-grandparents’ copy of the Oxford Middle English Dictionary and Messrs. Merriam and Webster would be selling bootleg CDs of it on the street. Not that being included in the dictionary is a good indicator of anything. They are, after all, filled with words labeled archaic because they haven’t been uttered by anyone in two hundred years other than William F. Buckley, Jr., and once he dies it’s a safe bet they won’t be uttered for at least another two hundred. You know, outdated words like maculate, fremescence, manners, and customer service.

   It’s one thing for new words to end up in the dictionary, such as the recently added hottie, dot-commer, and bazillion, it’s another thing when existing words morph into a new part of speech deserving of recognition by grammarians, linguists, and other anal retentive people who won’t admit that their TV ever leaves PBS. “Whatever,” you probably just uttered, and that’s the perfect example. While the dictionary says it can be a pronoun, an adjective, or an interjection, it’s more than that. So much more that it deserves to be its own part of speech. Dr. Charles Boberg, a linguist at McGill University in Montreal (motto: “Taking the ‘eh?’ out of education”) says whatever is a form of punctuation that’s used to express annoyance or impatience, or used when someone doesn’t want to give a long answer. Whatever.

   Whatever should be the founding member and cornerstone of the dismissive case. While many words can be used as a dismissive if one’s tone of voice is sarcastic enough — think: right, sure, and uh-huh — the use of whatever doesn’t rely on tone. This isn’t to say that giving it the Clueless Valley Girl extended syllabic stress (ESS) won’t drive the point home in a thoroughly embarrassing manner, but rather that it’s not absolutely necessary. This, of course, makes the use of whatever the ideal dismissive for people who aren’t fluent in English. Like George Bush.


And of course there’s the ubiquitous “Hello!”, as in “Hello! What did you think I meant?”, which is both a member of the belittling case and the sarcastic case.
   The dismissive case, and whatever in particular, is very handy because of its multiple uses. It can be used in an argument to admit you’re wrong without admitting it. It can also be used to tell someone they’re full of crap without having to explain why. It can indicate total apathy in a subject, display passive-aggressive behavior, and take the place of the F-word, all without being completely rude, subject to fines by the FCC, or eloquent. Don’t be surprised if it’s used several times during the upcoming presidential campaign debates.

   Whatever isn’t the only dismissive, not by a long shot. While “Don’t go there” can be a dismissive, its primary use is actually the warning case, which is closely related to the hostile case. “What’s up with that?” can also be dismissive, though you more often find it used as a belittlement. And of course there’s the ubiquitous “Hello!”, as in “Hello! What did you think I meant?”, which is both a member of the belittling case and the sarcastic case. Don’t worry, you won’t have to diagram sentences that use these on tomorrow’s pop quiz.

   The dismissive case isn’t anything new. In Elizabethan times they used the phrase “what you will” as our whatever. Even Shakespeare used it. His play Twelfth Night is actually titled Twelfth Night; Or, What You Will. Of course were he to write it today he’d call it Double Six-Pack Flava Time, Whatever! It would take place on 8 Mile on Detroit, Orsino would be Arsenio, the duel would be a hip-hop showdown, the cross-dressing would be boringly passé, and no one would actually marry anyone, though they’d all have children with each other. It would be a hit video on MTV. And 40-year-old white CPAs would sing it at their company picnics while wearing low-hanging, baggy jeans, huge gold chains around their neck, and an askew baseball cap.

   Whatever.

©2004 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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