Politics, and None of the Above
by Mad Dog
Jacquelyn Ledgerwood managed to capture 21 percent of the
vote in the Oklahoma Democratic Senate primary despite the fact that she died six weeks
before the election.
|| Its never
too soon to start thinking about the next presidential election. After all, no matter how
much trouble Clinton gets himself into he wont be able to runthe Founding
Fathers assured this when they declared that no one in their right mind could stand more
than 8 years in office. This means we need to start looking for someone who can serve our
country by keeping the economy on course, handling touchy foreign policy, and supplying us
with plenty of material for late night TV monologues.
The Democrats appear to have it easy. After all, an incumbent
vice-president has traditionally been a shoo-in for the candidacy. Well, unless your last
name is Quayle. Yet some people wonder whether Al Gore is a good choice. After all, the
question keeps arising whether hes really alive.
Who cares? The Constitution says the President
has to be a natural-born citizen over the age of thirty-five and must have been a resident
for at least fourteen years, it doesnt say he has to have a pulse.
This recently worked to Jacquelyn
Ledgerwoods advantage. Even though shes not running for president, she did
manage to capture 21 percent of the vote in the Oklahoma Democratic Senate primary this
past August despite the fact that she died six weeks before the election. This second
place win secured her a slot in the runoff, which means she might yet get to run against
Republican incumbent Wes Watkins, who is at a marked disadvantage by being alive.
In the Nevada primary, "None of these candidates" (Official Campaign Song:
"Nowhere Man") beat out 17 of the 33 real candidates. And None isnt even
dead by traditional North Korean standards.
Ledgerwood should win the Senate seat, she wouldnt be the only dead person currently
in public office. North Korea (motto: "The other Korea") just changed its
constitution to make Kim Il Sung the countrys "eternal president." The
fact that hes been dead for four years isnt considered a deterrent since North
Korea has been running fine without a president since his death. Obviously he
couldnt thank them personally, so the Supreme Peoples Assembly listened to a
tape recording of a speech the new eternal president gave in 1990. Really.
"But this could never happen here," youre
saying. "Weve never even heard of Kim Il Sung." Well, its not as far
fetched as you might think. After all, civics is a dying subject in this country. A recent
survey showed that more teenagers could name the Three Stooges than the three branches of
government. (Correct answer: taxation, scandal, and waste.)
In Nevada, voters keep coming dangerously
close to electing "None of these candidates" to office. And why shouldnt
they? If gambling and prostitution are legal there, why cant they buck the odds and
elect someone who isnt a whore?
Nevada, you see, is the only state in the
country which puts "None of these candidates" on the ballot. In the recent
primary, Candidate None (Official Campaign Song: "Nowhere Man") beat out 17 of
the 33 real candidates. And None isnt even dead by traditional North Korean
But before you start worrying about None
actually taking office, Nevada law says None cant actually win an election. This
isnt fair. If the voters prefer no one, who is the state legislature to deny them? I
guess theyre worried because its actually come close. In the 1980 presidential
primary "None of these candidates" beat out both George Bush and Ted Kennedy.
So as the next election rolls around, instead of voting for "None of the
candidates" or one who has already been elected to that Great Legislature in the Sky,
go to the video store and rent Air Force One, Dave, and Primary Colors.
|| This shows that
here in the United States anyone except "no one" can grow up to be president,
though a survey found that 60% of parents think being president is a bad career choice. In
Peru, on the other hand, its not so easy to get elected. Especially if you change
An election board there
recently refused to let Fulvia Celica run for mayor in Lima. Celica, a transsexual
clairvoyant with her own TV show, claims its prejudice. The election board says
its because only 135 of the 2,800 signatures she got were valid.
The truth is, if Celicas half the
clairvoyant she says she is she would have seen it coming. She does predict, however, that
she wont give up her bid for public office and plans to run for Congress in 2000. Or
possibly die and win a seat in North Korea.
We really need to renew our faith in public
office in this country so people will stop voting for dead candidates. Or no candidates.
The Clinton-Lewinsky scandal has made us more leery than ever of politicians. We need
candidates who can instill a sense of pride and dignity to the office. You know, like
What brings this to mind is that
theres been talk recently of Candice Bergen joining 60 Minutes as a correspondent.
And why not? She played a reporter on TV long enough to know how it works. Think about it.
Ronald Reagan played president and we had so much fun eating popcorn and making out in the
back row that we elected him to a double feature. Clint Eastwood, Fred Grandy, and Sonny
Bono all did stints in office.
This is a great idea because we already
know how theyll be as presidentweve seen them do it. So as the next
election rolls around, instead of voting for "None of the candidates" or one who
has already been elected to that Great Legislature in the Sky, go to the video store and
rent Air Force One, Dave, and Primary Colors. Then go to the polls and write in Harrison
Ford, Kevin Kline, or John Travolta. At least theyre still alive.
©1998 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
the obits to find out who you shuld vote for.