more about the Olympics!
The 1996 Summer
by Mad Dog
The Olympic Torch
Relay--or the 500 meter crawl--was sponsored by Coca Cola, the official
caramel colored paint remover of the Olympics.
a well documented fact that you can never have too much Olympics. Unlike
OJ, the Internet and John “Hey, I’m a musician, damn it! Not just
another guy trying to get into Mary Hart’s panties” Tesh, we never
tire of hearing about the 1996 Summer Olympics. After all, it’s not
every day you get to see someone running through the streets carrying a
torch. Unless, of course, you live downtown or near a southern black
Yes, Olympic fever is in the air.
This, along with pollen, mold and traffic helicopters that beam
freeze-frame images (“Look Gene! The cars look like tiny little toys
down there!”) are the reason allergy season has been so bad this year.
Plus, of course, Rosie O’Donnell’s new talk show which made us all
break out in hives.
It’s impossible not to notice the
Olympics. TV stations are running countdowns on the nightly news
(“Only fourteen more days until the women’s doubles table tennis
quarter-semi-hemi-demi- hexa-finals, Lisa!”). Time magazine devoted an
entire special issue to it (“More sweat, less body hair!”). And
those five linked rings--officially nicknamed Sleepy, Dopey, Goofy, Doc
and Oprah--are everywhere.
better way to start your training day than with a big fat bowl of red,
white and blue cereal, especially one that has the SNAP! of the
starter’s pistol, the CRACKLE! of the crowd’s excitement and the
POP! of groin muscles ripping out of place during the broad jump.
|| And then
there are the sponsors. The Olympic Torch Relay--or the 500 meter
crawl--was sponsored by Coca Cola, the official caramel colored paint
remover of the Olympics. It’s a fact that most Olympic athletes drink
caseloads of Coke during training. They also eat lots of cake, which is
why Betty Crocker (“The Official Fictitious Housewife and Martha
Stewart Wannabe of the Olympics”) came out with her SuperMoist Team
USA™ Cake Mix. This easy to use mix bakes up into a beautiful white
cake with red and blue thingys embedded in it. Thingys, in case you’ve
never worked in a chemist’s lab, are small foodlike items manufactured
in colors not found in nature. Like Cheetos. And just in case the cake
isn’t enough to put you in the Olympic spirit, Betty kindly created a
companion: canned vanilla Creamy Deluxe Team USA™ Frosting with red
and blue candy stars.
if an ice cold Coke and a slice of cake doesn’t add up to the
breakfast of Olympic champions, Kellogg’s was nice enough to help us
out by releasing their mutant cereal product, All American Rice
Crispies. Yup! I always say there’s no better way to start your
training day than with a big fat bowl of red, white and blue cereal,
especially one that has the SNAP! of the starter’s pistol, the
CRACKLE! of the crowd’s excitement and the POP! of groin muscles
ripping out of place during the broad jump, an event that was nearly
canceled this year out of concern for political correctness.
It’s interesting that while the
Food and Drug Administration (motto: “We don’t inhale or
swallow.”) has regulations telling the manufacturers of grits how
fine, moist, fat and fibrous they must be, no one seems concerned that
we’re basically eating our flag! It’s a good thing the members of Congress (motto:
“Just like you only we don’t work”) voted down the flag
desecration amendment or we’d all be in danger of being arrested while
eating breakfast, which would make even more people skip the most
important meal of the day than already do, resulting in lower test
scores in school, more absenteeism from work, decreased productivity and
fewer people calling their doctor because their stools look like the
stars and stripes before Hawaii became a state.
Like the very
existence of events like equestrians (“the sport of kings”),
badminton (“the sport of princes”) and synchronized swimming (“the
sport of flaming queens”) isn’t enough to make people want to go to
|| Actually, the
Olympics are serious business. That’s why the city of Atlanta (“Just
like your city only we talk funny and the weather sucks”) and the
International Olympic Committee ( “The official committee of the 1996
Summer Olympics”) came up with a special mascot for the event: Izzy.
Izzy, in case you haven’t seen him yet, is a cute, cuddly character
based on a real life pickle maker from New York’s Lower East Side. Not
only has Izzy, which is short for Israel, infuriated the two Arab
countries that were invited (“What? No 100 meter bomb toss?”), but
it caused Vlasic to pull out when their stork (“Just like Groucho but
he’s still alive”) was turned down in favor of Izzy. Obviously the
International Olympic Committee wasn’t thinking that day. If they
really wanted a popular mascot for the Olympics why didn’t they just
hire Pamela Anderson Lee?
of this is designed to make people want to go to Atlanta to see the
Olympics. Like the very existence of events like equestrians (“the
sport of kings”), badminton (“the sport of princes”) and
synchronized swimming (“the sport of flaming queens”) isn’t
enough. If they really wanted to attract people to Atlanta they should
have put a dome over the city and air conditioned it.
Aside from having more streets named
Peachtree than there are peach trees, Atlanta’s perhaps best known for
it’s climate. Where Seattle has its rain, San Francisco its fog and
Utah its locusts, Atlanta is known as the heat and humidity capital of
the Western Hemisphere . That’s why Olympic athletes (“You don’t
think we’d be here if we could get a cushy product endorsement, do
you?”) have spent the past month in Atlanta getting acclimated to the
weather conditions. They sit in humidity chambers, measure their sweat
and--I swear this is true!--even train with thermometers in their
rectums to determine how hot their inside, or core, temperature has
risen, giving rise to the Official Greeting of the 1996 Summer Olympics:
“Is that a thermometer up your ass or are you running backwards?”
Keep all this in mind as you watch
the men’s Field Hockey team get their bloomered asses kicked on your
Olympic-size TV set in the air conditioned comfort of your living room
while drinking an ice-cold Coca Cola and eating yet another slice of
SuperMoist Team USA™ Cake with Creamy Deluxe Team USA™ Frosting
(with red and blue candy stars). After all, the Olympics are an ancient
tradition, second only to Bob Dole, who is, by the way, the Official
Presidential Candidate of the 1996 Summer Olympics. Maybe he should
change his name to Izzy?
©2002 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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