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The
Rise and Fall or Artificial Organs
by Mad Dog
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I know sounds weird, but I once saw a picture of
this. Okay, it wasn’t genitals they were growing, it was an ear. But it was
growing it out of the mouse’s back. |
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Artificiality may have become a reality of life, but does that mean we have
to fill ours with it? We put Sweet ‘N Low in our coffee, top it off with the
oh-so-enticingly named coffee whitener, drool over breasts which have been pumped up with
silicone and saline, and then have the nerve to name an imitation margarine—which is
artificiality twice removed— "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter."
If there was any bite in the truth in advertising laws they’d be forced to name the
stuff "I Can’t Believe I Need a Chemistry Degree to Read The Label." So it should come as no surprise that doctors at
the Impotence World Association (motto: "We want to get a rise out of you") are
aiming for what may be the ultimate in artificial organs: penises and vaginas. They
predict that within 25 years they’ll be growing and harvesting them for implantation.
And you thought driving down the road and seeing a corn field waving in the breeze was
fun.
Actually, they won’t be growing them in the dirt. They
would but they’d be leaving themselves open to too many obvious jokes. They will,
however, be raising them in a lab. On plastic molds. Possibly attached to a mouse’s
back. I know sounds weird, but I once saw a picture of this. Okay, it wasn’t genitals
they were growing, it was an ear. But it was growing it out of the mouse’s
back.
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Quit giggling, penis snatching is a major
problem. Okay, not in the United States perhaps, but in Ghana it is. |
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It was a few
years ago. Some scientists at the University of Massachusetts did it as a part of their
hazing for a fraternity. Just kidding. Actually it was their penance for not being
accepted to MIT. What they did was build an ear-shaped structure out of porous,
biodegradable polyester. Once they realized there wasn’t a Nobel prize for recycling
old disco shirts they figured they might as well sprinkle it with human cartilage cells.
Then they implanted it on the back of an unsuspecting mouse and waited until it was fully
grown so they could harvest it and sell it to Green Giant. Kidding again. Actually it was
Birdseye. The reason they grew the
Mouse-Kit- Ear™ brand body part replacement is that they needed something to sew on
boys' heads after their ears got chewed off in playground fights. This is true. Apparently
it happens more than we realize, which either points up the increasingly violent nature of
boys’ play, the rise in popularity of Van Gogh as a role model, or the inadequacy of
the school lunch program. Once they perfected ears they moved on to livers, skin, heart
valves, tendons, intestines, blood vessels, and even breast tissue. At that point they had
to take the plunge into sex organs. In a manner of speaking.
Experts say more than 80 million men and women in the United
States suffer from impotency and, contrary to what Bob Dole would like you to
believe—wink, wink—Viagra just doesn’t always cut the mustard. There
are those who have missing, nonfunctional, or inadequate sex organs. There are some that
want your basic sex-change operation. And there are others have either had theirs cut off
or snatched.
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The rise of artificial sex organs will bring us Calvin Klein designer penises (in this
season’s colors, of course), the Gap vaginas, and infomercials for Jenny-tals™,
which will be available in McCarthy, Jones, and Love Hewitt models. |
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Quit giggling,
penis snatching is a major problem. Okay, not in the United States perhaps, but in Ghana
it is. Apparently petty thieves, not content with just snatching purses have.....nah, even
I can’t continue that one. The truth is that sorcerers in Ghana have come up with a
scam called penis snatching where they cast a spell on a man, telling him his penis will
shrink or disappear unless he pays to have the spell reversed. Medical experts have gone
on TV to explain why penises enlarge and contract ("I’m not really a penis
expert, but I play one on TV") but that hasn’t stopped angry mobs from taking
matters into their own hands. So to speak. Dozens of sorcerers have been lynched, though
news stories aren’t saying which body part they were strung up by.
If artificially grown sex organs do become a reality there’s
little question they’ll be popular. After all, who wouldn’t want to be able to
look in a display case or flip through a catalog and order a replacement in the exact size
and shape you’ve always wanted? I sure hope the women of the world are ready for this
technological advance because you know there isn’t a man alive who when asked which
one he wants won’t say, "Super size it!"
While these scientists may think they’ve come up with
something brand new, the truth is this medical feat was predicted years ago. Not by some
futurist. Nor Nostradamus. Not even by one of Dionne Warwick’s psychic friends. No,
it was predicted by the band King Missile in their song "Detachable Penis." In
it the singer told of waking up after a night of debauchery only to discover that his was
missing. He couldn’t remember where he left it but was lucky enough to find it being
peddled on the street while on the way to eat breakfast. I love a song with a happy
ending.
We need to heed this. While artificial genitals sound like a
wonderful idea, like every new technology it will have its pitfalls. The car was a great
invention but it brought us car crashes, death, and pollution. Television was a wonderful
discovery but it spawned La-Z-Boy recliners, TV dinners, and "Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire", the quiz show which should ask the question, "Whatever Happened to
Punctuation?" And if we’re not careful, the rise of artificial sex organs will
bring us Calvin Klein designer penises (in this season’s colors, of course), the Gap
vaginas, and infomercials for Jenny-tals™, which will be available in McCarthy,
Jones, and Love Hewitt models. Come to think of it, that might not be so bad after all.
©1999 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while waiting for the new fall genitals to come out.
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