by Mad Dog
living in the Age of Going Overboard and there doesn’t seem to be a
life preserver in sight.
||If there’s one thing we
need, it’s better governors. Not the type that sit in state mansions
trying to get laws passed we don’t need, plotting how to become
President when their brother and father have already had the job, and
basking in their glory days when it was okay to wear a pink boa and kick
ass without having to apologize. No, what we need are better governors
for our behavior. We’re officially living in the Age of Going
Overboard and there doesn’t seem to be a life preserver in sight. Food
portions are larger, movies are longer, and phone conversations are a
24-7 thing. Everything in life has been supersized.
Take cars, for example. Not only do
we want them bigger, faster, and able to travel fewer miles while using
more gas, we want more of them than we can even use. A report by the
Bureau of Transportation Statistics (motto: “We do one thing and we do
it well. Eighty-five percent of the time.”) disclosed that the average
American family now has more cars than licensed drivers. The report
didn’t mention what all the extra cars are actually being used for,
though the most likely possibilities are as spares in case one has a
flat, as guest houses for visiting relatives who are too cheap to stay
at Motel 6, and as rusting lawn ornaments in front of double-wide
trailers. Think: “Redneck Eye For The Clueless Guy.”
A couple in Lancashire, a county in
northwest England best known for having four thousand holes—at least
if you can believe the Beatles—went very overboard. When the
Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals stopped by to
visit, it took two days to remove the 244 dogs, 16 birds, five cats, one
rabbit, and chinchilla they found in the three-bedroom house. There’s
nothing wrong with enjoying the company of pets, but people need to
realize they’re not like Beanie Babies—you have to feed them, clean
up after them, and can’t sell them on eBay, though come to think of it
you probably can’t unload your Beanie Babies there anymore either.
Well, not unless you have the limited edition Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Beanie
Baby which you won at the state fair a couple of years ago.
Meanwhile the Los
Angeles City Council went overboard by passing an ordinance requiring
dancers to stay at least six feet away from customers, a measure which
obviously wasn’t aimed at the ballet crowd.
Even thieves are going overboard. In California a family arrived
at their vacation house to discover that it had been stolen. Yes, the
whole house. Not just the wood from the deck, the TV from the living
room, or their prized collection of Nevada highway rest area thimbles,
the entire thing had been lifted off the foundation and carted away.
What’s the world coming to when robbers get greedy?
Speaking of thieves going overboard,
after years of putting out overpriced CDs with way too few good songs on
them, the major record companies are now alarmed that people are
downloading songs they like for free. Instead of doing something
reasonable, like giving people an inexpensive and legal way to download
those songs, they decided instead to obtain subpoenas against
12-year-old girls, threaten the rest of us with criminal charges, and
put out CDs that use a copy protection system which limits the number of
copies you can make, allows you to play it on your computer as long as
you like Windows Media Player, and lets you email the songs to friends
that will expire after 10 days. That’s the song, not the friends. At
that point the record company will email your friends a subpoena. Just
kidding. Actually they’ll be referred to a web site where they can buy
the entire CD. You know, if record companies don’t want people to
listen to their music they should save themselves a lot of trouble and
not bother putting it out.
Howard Stern recently went overboard
when he asked the Federal Communications Commission (motto: “More
radio stations, fewer choices.”) to rule that his show is a news show.
This was so he could interview Arnold Schwarzenegger without having to
invite 134 other California gubernatorial candidates along. The FCC went
overboard and agreed. Meanwhile the Los Angeles City Council went
overboard by passing an ordinance requiring dancers to stay at least six
feet away from customers, a measure which obviously wasn’t aimed at
the ballet crowd. Couldn’t they have just made it illegal to put money
in a G-string or tutu and left it at that?
takes the time to wrap their driver’s license with dental floss is
definitely going overboard. At the very least they need a hobby.
Even the average person is going overboard. In Heloise, the
syndicated column that used to have “hints” in the title and will
have an exclamation point placed after it when it becomes a Broadway
musical, a woman wrote to say she ties dental floss around her
driver’s license before she puts it in her wallet, leaving the ends
hanging loose so she can easily slide it out. Anyone who takes the time
to wrap their driver’s license with dental floss is definitely going
overboard. At the very least they need a hobby. Or should seriously
consider increasing their meds.
If this makes you think the world is
going down the toilet, well, even they’ve gone overboard. A Japanese
toiletmaker named Toto (motto: “And Number Two, too?”) has
introduced a toilet-bidet combination with a lid that raises when
someone enters the bathroom; has a pre-warmed seat; comes with a remote
control to adjust the water volume, temperature and direction of the
spray on its automatic butt washer; blows warm air to dry you
afterwards; and even has a digital clock so when someone accuses you of
being in the bathroom too long, you have proof of exactly how long it
was. Oh yeah, there’s also an air deodorizer and a button to play a
fake flushing sound so no one can hear that you’re doing what everyone
does in the bathroom. Just in case the features aren’t overboard
enough for you, the $5,200 price tag certainly will be.
It’s true that moderation may be
overrated, and is definitely not as much fun, but it does leave you able
to enjoy lower highs. Each time you go overboard, in order to top it you
have to go even more overboard. If that sounds a little over the top,
well I just can’t help it. It’s the age we live in, you know.
©2003 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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