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Seeing Red Over Purple Pens
by Mad Dog


In a show of educational Kumbaya-ism not seen since English became Language Arts, teachers are dumping their red pens faster than plans for Gigli II and grading students’ papers using purple ones. 
It’s back-to-school time once again. Children are looking forward to reuniting with old friends, making new ones, enriching their growing minds, and wearing brand new Nikes courtesy of the second mortgage Mom and Dad had to take out to pay for them. Oh yeah, and running home excitedly, not being able to wait to show off the test that was handed back with only a couple of small corrections marked in purple.

   Purple? Yes, purple. In a show of educational Kumbaya-ism not seen since English became Language Arts and self-esteem replaced “go to the principal’s office” as the Mantra of Discipline, teachers are dumping their red pens faster than plans for Gigli II and grading students’ papers using purple ones. They say they’re doing this because purple’s “not as scary,” “friendlier,” and “goes better with their new fall outfits.” Just kidding about the last one, though it would be a better justification than the one they’re giving, which is that marking errors in red has a “negative connotation.” Excuse me, but if you find red marks on your paper it is negative. It’s supposed to be. It means you made mistakes. And you should want to know about them. Red stands out so you can easily see it. Not to mention that teachers have been correcting in red since the 1700s without causing undue harm to billions of children. Okay, except maybe for John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, and George Bush, but hey, there are exceptions to every rule.


If the color purple is everything it’s cracked up to be, maybe the Department of Homeland Security (motto: “Scaring citizens since 2003”) should look into it. 
   According to a story in the Boston Globe, the reason purple is good for grading papers is that it’s a mixture of red and blue, so it has “red’s sense of authority but also blue’s association with serenity.” That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t take into account whether a student is in the fall, winter, spring, or summer color group, and there’s no telling what kind of psychic clash could occur should a winter student get a purple-graded test back. We could be talking about remedial self-esteem classes for life. Not to mention lawsuits that would make Mark Geragos salivate. On the other hand, the adoption of across-the-board purple grading would force schools to hire color consultants to make sure this doesn’t happen. This would be a big boost for the economy, especially since none of them have had anything even remotely resembling steady work since 1987.

   If the color purple is everything it’s cracked up to be, maybe the Department of Homeland Security (motto: “Scaring citizens since 2003”) should look into it. As you know, for reasons which are best explained by the word “bureaucracy,” they chose red to represent the highest security level. Now were they to actually announce a red alert, there’s no question it would cause a lot of panic, anxiety, and a run on sheet plastic and duct tape. However, were they to use purple to indicate that level, it would give the warning a red sense of authority combined with that well-known blue sense of serenity, resulting in our feeling much more relaxed when we look at the woman next door and wonder whether she’s actually pregnant or could that be a dirty bomb she’s hiding under her shirt.

   I’m sure a study’s already been launched to determine whether the use of purple pens to grade papers results in fewer self-esteem problems, higher grades, students ordering more eggplant in the cafeteria, and an increase in wearing purple while marching in the Gay Pride Parade. After all, if it can make us better, more level-headed people throughout life it’s a good thing. Who knows, it might even stop the recent rash of parking lot brawls involving old men. I mean, cranky senior citizens.


It’s downright cruel to make any child think they failed, no matter how badly they did. That’s why the new system should be pass/passable. And letter grades should only include A, B, and C. 
   I’m not kidding. A while back two men in Boca Raton, Florida got into a fight over a parking space at Denny’s. It ended when the youngster, who was 73, stuck his cane out the car window and hit the other guy, who was 80. Then last week a 69-year-old German man stabbed a rival dentist during an argument over patient parking spaces. Could this violence be rooted in the indiscriminate use of red to grade papers when they were growing up? Or does it say something about parking lots and how no one over the age of 65 should be allowed to use them?

   If we’re worried about our children being harmed by red corrections, we should at least be consistent. Teachers should stop using gold and silver stars because it creates a caste system, not to mention that since stars, like our money, are no longer backed by gold, they have very little intrinsic value. Then there’s the fact that some years silver is more fashionable than gold. If silver is this year’s gold, who in their right, trendful mind would want a gold star? It would feel like you’re getting dissed instead of using a proper word like praised. Of course I may be way behind the times about this. I wouldn’t be surprised if they stopped using stars years ago, right about the same time they started insisting that every child give a Valentine’s Day card to every other child, even if they hate their guts. Hey, you wouldn’t want anyone to feel left out and unloved because there wasn’t a show of forced, unfelt affection, would you?

   While we’re at it, why not eliminate grades altogether? Low grades breed low self-esteem, and pass/fail — well, it’s just way too, uh, red. It’s downright cruel to make any child think they failed, no matter how badly they did. That’s why the new system should be pass/passable. And letter grades should only include A, B, and C. Between these suggestions and purple grading, it won’t be long before we eradicate low self-esteem, the world will be at peace, and someone will come up with a study that proves purple turns kids into serial killers. It’s enough to make you see red.

©2004 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. If you find any misakes, correct them with a red pen.

 

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