Those darn sexual myths
by Mad Dog
the Art of War to the Iliad to the Joy of Sex, the one common thread that runs between
them is that youve only read the Joy of Sex. Well, if you count looking at the
pictures as reading.
think by now wed all be comfortable with our sexuality. After all, we got through
the 60s (the Sexual Revolution), the 70s (sex as a revelation), and the
80s (when sex was a regulation) without a major problem. Yet somehow were at
the tail end of the 90s and, thanks to such killjoys as Jesse Helms, the Christian
Coalition, and special inquisitor Ken "Torquemada" Starr, the decades
primary motto may end up being "Sexthink revulsion."
Maybe this is because, like most of us, they just
dont understand sex. Maybe its because they havent had good sex. Or
maybe, as in the case of Dan Quayle, he just cant spell sex.
The truth is, no one understands sex. This
is amazing since we think about it constantly, we lust after it whenever we can, and
believe it or not, people actually study it in school. Some as an official major. But for
something we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to achieve, youd think by now
wed have a better grip on it, so to speak. Or at least a better understanding of our
Face it, this should be one of our primary
goals. From the Art of War to the Iliad to the Joy of Sex, the one common thread that runs
between them is that youve only read the Joy of Sex. Well, if you count looking at
the pictures as reading.
Yet sexual myths still run rampant. Being
the obstinate animals we are, weve managed to cling onto these like babies to their
mothers, well.....bottle. Its time to debunk a few of them.
MYTH #1: Women like to kiss more than men.
This just isnt true. Men like kissing as much as women.
Its just that they dont always confine their kissing to women. You see, men
also like to kiss fish. Even I didnt realize this until last year when Australian
fishermen were warned not to kiss fish when they catch them. This is true.
It started when a popular TV fisherman with
a bogus Chippendale name, Rex Hunt, suggested his viewers be kind to the fish by kissing
them and throwing them back. This came naturally to most men since its the same
pattern they use in dating. For other men, it was more like a concerted effort to try to
grasp the concept of foreplay, remembering how many times theyd been told to kiss
before eating. Either way, the authorities cautioned that some fish have sharp teeth and
might bite back. Also that smoking a cigarette and falling asleep in the boat after
kissing the fish was unsafe and unsatisfying for the fish.
A whopping 100% of the roaches in two rivers are showing signs of feminization. You know,
like going to the bathroom in groups, trying on twelve outfits before going out, and
constantly worrying about whether their dorsal fins are getting too fat.
||MYTH #2: Women are neater than men.
Not according to a survey published in a newspaper in New Zealand
("The Other Australia"). A poll of hotel housekeepers discovered the surprising
fact that men leave their rooms neater and cleaner than women. Of course it also said that
men are more prone to be found sleeping outside their room because they cant get
their key in the door, that they like to drink the mini-bar dry and watch porno flicks,
and that if given a choice between watching American and European football, ten out of ten
would rather have sex.
MYTH #3: Boys will be boys.
As Myth #2 shows, this is generally true, even though people as
far back as Christine Jorgenson have been trying to prove it wrong. Now it turns out that,
thanks to our scale and fin-covered friends, boys are not always boys. Well, not in
It turns out the male roach, which is a
common freshwater fish in England, is embarrassed to have the same name as a creepy crawly
bug and leftover reefer butts. But thats got nothing to do with this discussion.
What were concerned with is that the Brit-fish are changing sex. This isnt
just a few of thema whopping 100% of the roaches in two rivers are showing signs of
feminization. You know, like going to the bathroom in groups, trying on twelve outfits
before going out, and constantly worrying about whether their dorsal fins are getting too
Actually its weirder than that. It
seems their sperm-producing testes have turned into egg-making ovaries. Of course on the
brighter side, halfway through the process they can do things to themselves that
weve all been told to do but were physically unable to achieve.
MYTH #4: Size doesnt matter.
I dont care what you say, this ones true.
The head of the Communist Party recently announced at an International Womens Day
ceremony that he liked clever women and pretty women but that there was nothing "more
frightful" than a clever and pretty woman.
||MYTH #5: Men are more competitive than
Sure it would be hard to prove this by citing Nykesha Sales, the
University of Connecticut basketball player who was allowed to shoot a basket unchallenged
so she could break a school record. But the truth is the only reason they let this happen
is they preferred that to her acting like a pro player and choking the coach.
A better example would be JoAnn Carlson of Estancia,
NM, who lost the mayoral election when she mis-called a coin toss and lost a game of
five-card draw against James Farrington. This wasnt some arbitrary run-off. The city
charter dictates that a game of chance be used as a tie-breaker. In fact, this worked so
well Janet Renos looking to make Pick-up-Stix the official tiebreaker of federal
MYTH #6: Men dont like smart women.
While generally speaking this is false, unfortunately in some
places its still true. Like Russia. Where the head of the Communist Party recently
announced at an International Womens Day ceremony that he liked clever women and
pretty women but that there was nothing "more frightful" than a clever and
pretty woman. In his case thats very true. It would make her smart enough to stay
away from him and pretty enough not to care.
Stay tuned for Part Two of this, when we
explode the sexual myths that batteries are better than men just because they last longer,
that men and women are from different planets (hell, theyre not even from the same
galaxy), and that mens shoe size is important. Okay. So maybe not all of these are
©1998 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Even
small ones. After all, size doesn't matter.