Read more Mad Dog
on the Road!
it out in Oregon
by Mad Dog
can attest to the glory of the 15th Annual Competition and Coronation of the Slug Queen
becauseyes! I saw it with my own eyes.
|| Slugs arent
pretty. Politics isnt pretty. Therefore electing a Slug Queen must be one of the
unprettiest sights us higher order mammals can conjure up in our imagination, which as we
all know is the only thing that separates us from other animals. Well, that and the desire
to watch Baywatch Nights. Im here to tell you that its all true.
Actually, I cant vouch for Baywatch Nights,
since the truth is Ive only watched a half hour of it one time. Thats how long
it took me to realize that they were more interested in ghosts and demons and spooky stuff
like that than they were in wholesome entertainment like beaches, surfing and lots of
well-filled bikinis. Hell, the demon who was possessing the 14 year-old girl on the
episode I saw never once ran down the beach in slow motion. On the other hand, I can
attest to the glory of the 15th Annual Competition and Coronation of the Slug Queen
becauseyes! I saw it with my own eyes.
[NOTE: To be technically correct,
its actually the S.L.U.G. Queen. It stands for Society for the Legitimization of the
Ubiquitous Gastropod, though Im convinced they made that up after the fact. But to
save periodswhich are reportedly about to be placed on the endangered punctuation
list along with semi-colons, hyphens, and those curly brackets nobody knows what to do
withIm going to stick with the vernacular, "Slug".]
people vied for the title of Slug Queen this year, and two of them were men. This
shouldnt come as a shock.
|| The Slug Queen is
to Eugene, Oregon what Miss America is to the United States. Except luckily none of the
Slug contestants wore two-piece bathing suits like theyre letting them do in the
Miss America contest this year. It shouldnt surprise you that theres a Slug
Queen. After all, somewhere in this fine country of ours theres a Miss [Fill in
the blank] to meet every need. Theres Miss Better Boy Tomato, Little Miss
Oilwell, Miss Hot Tub De-scaler, and probably even Miss E. Coli. There used to be a
Tobacco Festival Queen in Richmond, Virginia but everyone stopped entering the contest
when word got around that the winner couldnt get a date afterwards because guys were
afraid of getting cancer from her, and that was in the days before we were aware of the
dangers of second-hand dating.
Its fitting that the Slug Queen reigns in Eugene. This is, after all, the city that
has a Saturday Market filled with genuine hippies coming in from surrounding communes who
havent seen a calendar or a hairdresser since 1970. Its a city where more
people believe Jerry Garcias still alive than think Elvis is. Its a city that
places stickers near the crosswalks explaining that when the "man walking"
lights up you can cross and when the "orange palm" lights up you should stop,
yet has the presence of mind not to do it in Braille. And its the city thats
home to Oregon Yurtworks, a company dedicated to making modern versions of the circular
Mongolian home, hopefully without the yak skins.
Five people vied for the title of Slug
Queen this year, and two of them were men. This shouldnt come as a shock since a
recent survey by Carvel (the people who make ice cream whales butgasp!not
slugs) found that when making a wish before blowing out the candles on their birthday
cake, 61 percent of all boys younger than age 10 who wished to become superheroes wanted
to be Catwoman. Really.
say we have the presidential candidates go to Eugene on Election Day, dress up in silly
costumes, put on 3-minute talent skits, and answer one off-the-wall question posed to them
by an old Slug Queen.
|| The contestants for
this years Slug Queen included Slugareina (who did a slimy variation of the
Macarena), Birtha (the token pregnant contestant), Princess Paulina (a guy in a
wheelchair), Visca and Gastropia Nudibranchia (Siamese slugs attached at the dress), and
Slugmistress Bagonda, a 64" guy in drag who won the crown this year after
having failed in two previous attempts.
Lest you think this is all fun and games, the Slug Queen does much more than strut around
downtown Eugene one night in August wearing a short skirt made of duct tape (as Bagonda
did). No, official duties include appearing at the opening reception of the Mayors
Art Show, riding in the Eugene Celebration parade, appearing at the Parade Awards
Ceremony, presiding over next years competition (as the previous winners, called Old
Queens, did this year), and spending the rest of his/her life living it down.
The competition itself is short and sweet.
Theyre judged in three categories: costume, question, and talent. Its over in
about 90 minutes. If only the Federal Election Committee had been there they would have
seen what a clean, simple system this is. Contrast this with the 2000 presidential
campaign (only three years to Election Day, mark it on your calendars!) which was
unofficially launched in Indianapolis recently when 1,200 people showed up at the Midwest
Republican Leadership Conference and every one of them declared their candidacy. Just
kidding. Actually it was only such exciting prospects as Dan Quayle, Steve Forbes, Lamar
Alexander, and Alan Keyes that did. But at least they agreed on a campaign theme:
"Deja Vu Into The 20th Century".
Heres my proposal. I say we have the
presidential candidates go to Eugene on Election Day, dress up in silly costumes, put on
3-minute talent skits, and answer one off-the-wall question posed to them by an old Slug
Queen. Then we can all go to the pollsor even better, raise our hands and
screamand vote for the slimy candidate of our choice. Personally, I cant wait
to see how Steve Forbes looks in a duct tape dress.
Find out more about the incredible Slug Queens at their Official Slimey Web
©1997 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. They'r
so good even slugs read them.