Mad Dog Weekly - Doing It Doggy Style

Be sure to visit the Doggy Style Archives!

 

 

God Save the Smoke-Free, Unspanked Queen
by Mad Dog


For 144 years parents have had the right to smack children as “reasonable chastisement” if they misbehave. In non-legal terms, that means if the kid deserves it.
England is a country based on tradition, whether it be tea and crumpets in the afternoon, the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, or supporting the royal family in a style to which only they’re accustomed just to ensure that the tabloids have plenty to write about. That’s why it’s disheartening to see so many of their traditions in danger of biting the dusty scone.

   The first one under fire is fox hunting. This is the sport in which grown adults wearing silly red coats and sillier black hats ride big, powerful horses chasing a pack of hungry, howling dogs which are pursuing a poor little fox that’s too busy running for its life to wonder why it’s the one with the reputation as being crazy. Without getting into the question of whether it’s cruel, it’s more important to wonder why they find it fun. Unless, of course, I’m missing a critical component, like say, lots of Tanqueray and tonic. It’s obviously not a sport or it would be an Olympic event right next to badminton. Or at least they’d show it on ESPN. Of course it’s true that it may be included in next year’s X Games, but that’s because they’re replacing the horses with skateboards, the course is down Lombard Street in San Francisco — the so-called Crookedest Street in the World — and the part of the fox will be played by Ashton Kutcher. Naked.

   For the third time in recent years, Parliament is debating the issue. A couple of years ago the House of Commons voted to ban the practice. Then the House of Lords voted to allow it as long as it’s limited and regulated, citing the long-held legal tenet that anything should be allowed as long as the government has its grubby mitts in it. In the meantime, Scottish Parliament voted to ban it — fox hunting, not the House of Lords — so there’s increased pressure in England to do something. Anything. They’ll probably take the easy way out and ban the Fox Network. Hey, now there’s a good idea. Hang on while I email Michael Powell. I’ll be right back.


“Here’s your baby, a box of disposable nappies, a tiny T-shirt that says ‘My parents went to the hospital and all they got was a crying and pooping machine,’ and this pamphlet, 1001 Bloody Good Reasons to Smack Your Child’s Bum.”
   Meanwhile there’s a movement to ban smoking in English pubs. Greasy fish and chips are okay. Drinking plenty of intoxicating beverages is encouraged. But please, what’s with that blue haze? Some pubs are testing the water and banning smoking but it’s tough to keep it up when your pint glasses have an inch of dust on them and your beer taps are rusted shut. The possibility of a ban is very real, since it’s now illegal to smoke in pubs in Ireland. I’m glad I’m not the one trying to enforce that in Belfast.

   Another law the English Parliament is batting around is the one about smacking, which is what we in the United States call spanking. For 144 years parents have had the right to smack children as “reasonable chastisement” if they misbehave. In non-legal terms, that means if the kid deserves it. I’m not sure if they have a list of deserving and non-deserving offenses, but you’d think after 144 years they’d have some pretty good guidelines they could hand out to new parents. “Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Thornapple. Here’s your baby, a box of disposable nappies, a tiny T-shirt that says ‘My parents went to the hospital and all they got was a crying and pooping machine,’ and this pamphlet, 1001 Bloody Good Reasons to Smack Your Child’s Bum.”

   The House of Lords had to choose between a law banning spanking completely and one that allowed it as long as it didn’t cause physical or mental harm, which they defined as bruising, scratching, reddening of the skin, or unsightly facial tics later in life. They chose the second option by a margin of 226 to 91, so as long as the House of Commons approves it, England will have a brand spanking new law soon.


We all start out life as clean slates. Some of us are blackboards, some whiteboards, but we’re all clean in the beginning. 
   There is, naturally, a big debate over whether spanking is a good punishment for children. A study by the University of New Hampshire Family Research Laboratory found that spanking can backfire and push a child into delinquency. Another, by the Institute of Human Development at the University of California Berkeley, says mild spanking doesn’t cause any lasting harm. Maybe what we need to do is all sit down and calmly watch The Secretary.

   Hey, I saw the movie, I know what happens to people who weren’t spanked when they were young, they need to make up for it later. See, we all start out life as clean slates. Some of us are blackboards, some whiteboards, but we’re all clean in the beginning. At certain predetermined points in our life we need to have had a reasonable amount of experiences, such as joy, pain, sorrow, and listening to Kenny G, which you would think falls under the pain category but is actually a separate subcategory of anguish. Not quite as bad as having to watch Andy Richter’s new TV show, but close. At these points, if we haven’t been getting enough of something, we go out of our way to add it to our life. Thus, people who don’t get enough affection may become promiscuous, those who haven’t had enough pain turn to drugs, and those who weren’t spanked go to clubs like Bondage a Go-Go in San Francisco. Don’t ask me how I know about this or I’ll have to spank you.

   I sure hope English Parliament considers all of this well, or the next thing you know you won’t be able to hunt foxes, smoke while you drown your equestrian sorrows in a Guinness, or be legally spanked if you get caught doing either of them. But at least there’s still high tea and the royal family. Some things really are sacred.

©2004 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them or I'll spank you.

 

(ALMOST) INSTANT NOTIFICATION
Enter your email address below to be notified whenever a new column is added to the Mad Dog Weekly!



Powered by FeedBlitz


  Skywriting at Night - a novel by Mad Dog

[Home] [Doggy Style Archives] [Blog]  [Novel] [Playground] [Plot-o-matic] [Porn-o-matic] [On The Road]
[Grand Highly Illuminated Xmas] [Who the hell is Mad Dog?] [Work Stuff]
[FREE Newsletter]  [ ] [Linkage] [Search]

©1998 - 2013 Mad Dog Productions
All Rights reserved