Take my throne, please
by Mad Dog
Polls say 60% of parents think being President
is a bad career choice. This places it right below used car salesman, lava lamp repairman,
and guest on the Jerry Springer show.
|| Anyone can grow up to be President. This has been the Unified American
Parental Career Mantra since George Washingtons mother sat him down under the cherry
tree and sniffed, "Surveying school? Come on, George, wheres the future in
that?" Then, once James Polk, Millard Fillmore, and Gerald Ford were elected, well,
the concept went from being a theory to a scientifically proven lawyes, anyone
could grow up to be President.
fact that anyone can be President and that theyd want to be President
are two very different things. Parents, it turns out, dont really want to see their
children in the Oval Office. Especially if theyre interns.
Polls say 60% of parents think being
President is a bad career choice. This places it right below used car salesman, lava lamp
repairman, and guest on the Jerry Springer show. They probably think this because the
Presidency has become such a difficult position. It wasnt that long ago it was
admired. Where the President used to be portrayed in movies by such acting legends as
Raymond Massey, Henry Fonda, and Ralph Bellamy, now we get Kevin Kline and John Travolta.
Look for Saturday Night Sexual Fever, coming to a theater near you soon.
The truth is, most parents dont want
their children to grow up to be President because, face it, there just arent a lot
of job opportunities. Medicine is a better career choice because people always get sick
and need to be healed. Business management is good since there are lots of businesses and
they all need managing. And going into law is a great idea because, thanks to the other
popular fields, there will always be medical malpractice suits, business liability suits,
and politicians to defend.
But theres only one President. And
the job generally only becomes vacant every four years. Well, unless they die, get caught
covering up for a bunch of bungling burglars, or are dumb enough to want a second term.
Face it, with those odds, youd have better luck being a locust. Even though they
only have openings every seventeen years theres always room for one more in the
swarm. Kind of like paparazzi.
What is it about being a political spouse that makes them so well suited for this
vocation? When a doctor dies does his or her spouse take over the practice?
So what makes a person want to go into politics? For some
its the opportunity to help their country. For others its a quest for power.
And for still others its because their spouse dies leaving an opening.
Recently Lois Capps of Santa Barbara, California won
her late husbands seat in the House of Representatives. Mary Bono, Sonnys
wife, is campaigning to take her husbands place in the House too. Suddenly political
office is becoming the mid-life career choice for widows in the 90s.
What is it about being a political spouse
that makes them so well suited for this vocation? When a doctor dies does his or her
spouse take over the practice? Would Sigourney Weavers husband step in and star in
Aliens 5-Resurrected Again if she couldnt do it?
Maybe its osmosisthey pick up
the skills needed just by being around their husbands. When I was a kid I actually stuck a
tape recorder under my pillow and let it play my French lessons in the hopes that Id
learn them while I slept. It didnt work. To this day I feel like an idiot asking for
a croissant and wouldnt attempt to pronounce trompe loeil in public if my joie
de vivre depended on it.
Prince William is having second thoughts about whether he wants to be King. He says
hed rather be President of the United States. They get more sex.
In all the talk about campaign reform, this is one area where
everyones missing the boat. We could save a whole lot of time, money, and energy if
we just put spouses in the line of succession. Right now there is no congressional line of
successionthey just hold a new election. Bad idea. We should change the law so If
someone dies, gets sent to prison, or submits a bill like the one they did in West
Virginia recently allowing them to keep and eat road kill, the politicians spouse
takes over. And then well extend this to the Presidency. As it stands, the
Vice-president, the Speaker of the House, the Secretary of Agriculture, and even Buddy the
First Dog all get a shot, why not the First Lady?
In England theyve had primogeniture for a few thousand
years and even theyre changing it. Primogeniturefrom the Latin meaning,
"best genitals"is the ancient tradition of passing the throne to the
eldest son. Now, in a turn of events that makes you wonder whether the British Royalty has
been mating among their own again, Queen Elizabeth II has announced that if the eldest
child is a daughter, she will ascend to the thrown. To complicate matters even more, the
word is that Prince William is having second thoughts about whether he wants to be King.
He says hed rather be President of the United States. They get more sex.
Keep all this in mind as the next round of
elections rears its ugly head. Not only should you be concerned with the candidates
political positions, ability to lead the country into the next millennium, and moral
character, but you need to pay close attention to their health, their spouse, and what
Hollywood star would best portray them in a movie. No one ever said it was going to be
©1998 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
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