that would be entertainment
by Mad Dog
If they really
want to capture viewers and rejuvenate football they need to do
more. Like create the XXXFL. Face it, nothing sells like sex. Real
According to the National Climatic Data Center (motto:
“That’s as in climate, not climax. But please don’t go
away.“) the average temperature in the United States last year was
1.3 degrees higher than that of the previous106 years. And if you
believe the XFL, this year will be even hotter.
The XFL, for those of you
who have been too busy trying to figure out why Tattoo isn’t
running around Temptation Island saying “Forget da plane, boss.
Look at da rack on her!”, is what you get when you cross the World
Wrestling Federation with NBC, two gene pools that should never have
been allowed to mingle. It proves that those who have been so
worried about genetic manipulation have been putting their energies
in the wrong place. Personally I’d much rather chow down on DNA
flavored Doritos than listen to Jesse Ventura ramble on about
players who are in it for the love of the game when we all know
it’s the $45,000 and a chance to play real football in the NFL
that keeps them going.
But it’s not all bad. At
least it gives men an alternative to wasting their time drooling
over the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. Now they can drool over the
Memphis Maniax cheerleaders. And just in case that isn’t enough to
ensure an audience, the XFL instituted a handful of new rules,
including no fair catch on punts, no extra point kicks after a
touchdown, and no games played at the same time as the NFL.
If they really want to capture viewers and rejuvenate
football they need to do more. Like create the XXXFL. Face it,
nothing sells like sex. Real sex. If half the team was female and
uniforms were jettisoned, they could just let nature take its course
and they’d have a hit on their hands. The object would still be to
score, except how you score would be, oh, a little different. The
terminology could remain the same, though it would give new meaning
to tight ends, wide receivers, completing a pass, and sacking the
quarterback. And of course there would be no such penalty as illegal
use of hands.
baseballs had hand grenades in them batters would have one more
thing to think about before swinging at a pitch.
Planting land mines under the base paths would add a whole new
dimension to base stealing.
Viewership would soar, especially on rainy days with muddy fields.
Plus they’d save tons of money. There would be no uniforms to buy
and clean, announcers would be superfluous since all they’d need
is some cheesy wah-wah guitar playing in the background, and the
cheerleaders would be history. After all, why look at them when
there’s all that action on the field?
Ancillary marketing would
be big. Besides the obvious like magazines, calendars, and imprinted
condoms, they could branch out into home video, with releases like Birmingham
Does Dallas, Behind the Green Locker Room Door, and Go
Or maybe they should start
the GFL, the Gladiator Football League. Put them in an arena
and let them play to the death. Recruit the Detroit Lions and let
them add the real thing to the roster. Animals are cheaper, more
exciting, plus it would give them a shot at the title for a change.
Best of all, it would finally be a good use for that interactivity
we keep hearing about. Imagine sitting in your new $1,300 La-Z-Boy
“e-cliner” with its interactive TV receiver, computer jacks, and
drink holder and being able to vote thumbs up or thumbs down after
each touchdown. Regis could come on and ask if it’s your final
answer. When we all hit “yes” we’ll see some real
While we’re at it, we really need to update other sports
and activities. Baseball needs help. Badly. If random baseballs had
hand grenades in them batters would have one more thing to think
about before swinging at a pitch. Planting land mines under the base
paths would add a whole new dimension to base stealing. And how
about timing the pitcher? If the clock runs out before he throws the
ball, he has to take off an article of clothing. Strip baseball
would be a hit.
shows need updating too. How many lip-synched performances, tired
jokes by presenters who can’t read a TelePrompTer, and slinky
revealing dresses cut down to here do we need? Okay, I take back
that last one.
need freshening too, as anyone who’s even heard of George Bush and
Al Gore can attest. We should hand the whole process over to Vince
McMahon and the WWF. Sure they’re busy putting the ex in XFL, but
that means they’ll have a lot of free time on their hands soon.
In an X-Election, each
candidate would choose a character and personality. As in
traditional elections, this doesn’t have to have anything to do
with their real personality or beliefs, those will show up after
they’re in office and it’s too late. They’d duke it out weekly
on TV, with the winner getting to wear the championship belt in the
Oval Office. They can take on all challengers, recruit the vice
president for a tag team match, and even have their wives or interns
parade around the ring scantily clad. Okay, maybe that’s going too
This would eliminate
lengthy, expensive elections, vote counting problems, recount
lawsuits, and hand examination of ballots. Come to think of it,
Hanging Chad would make a great name for a candidate/wrestler. Sure
the results of an X-Election would be predetermined, but aren’t
they now? At least this way the winner won’t be the one with the
most money backing him.
Award shows need updating
too. How many lip-synched performances, tired jokes by presenters
who can’t read a TelePrompTer, and slinky revealing dresses cut
down to here do we need? Okay, I take back that last one.
The answer? Live Celebrity
Death Matches. I’d watch. Hell, if they were smart they’d use
the same concept for the Miss America pageant. There’s nothing
like a good cat fight to boost sagging, uh, ratings. Add some Wesson
oil or Jell-o and they might have an Emmy winner on their hands.
Providing, of course, Miss America can kick Susan Lucci’s butt.
And if she can, she might just have a career waiting for her in the
©2001 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them when the XXXFL goes to commercials.