A Last Minute
Holiday Gift Guide
by Mad Dog
It may be better to give than to receive, but that doesn’t
mean you shouldn’t receive something you really want.
||It’s time once again to
settle in front of a roaring fire, munch on roasted chestnuts, and dump
the eggnog down the drain so you can chug the rum straight. That’s
right, it’s holiday gift list time. If you’re sitting there grinning
right now because you made your list in June, did your shopping in July,
and are sitting back, relaxing, and wondering where the hell you stashed
everything, you should read this anyway. Remember, just because you’re
a freak doesn’t mean everyone else is, and there might be something on
this list you want to suggest someone buy for you. After all, it may be
better to give than to receive, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t
receive something you really want. So put up your feet, pull out that
pen, and throw another elf on the fire. Here’s a look at some
late-breaking holiday gift ideas.
— While everyone’s talking about the Red Sox,
and a few people even remember the White Sox, the truth is they’re
both so last year as a gift, not to mention expensive. That’s why
it’s good to find out you can surprise a loved one with a pair of corn
socks this year. They’re made from a corn-based fiber that was
developed out of boredom — I mean, developed in the United States.
Although they’re being manufactured here, they aren’t available
here. They’re all being shipped to Japan, which only shows that there
are people in this country who still seek revenge for World War II.
While the socks aren’t edible, they’re environmentally friendly,
made from a resource that’s as renewable as cotton or wool, and old
news for anyone who already has corns on their feet.
If there’s a foodie on your list, you might consider
asking them to get real and return to calling themselves a gourmand. If
that doesn’t work, teach them a lesson by giving them something you
know they’ve never tasted — Smoked Salmon Pâté soda.
||— As long as you’re in
Japan stocking up on ears — I mean, pairs — of socks, you might want
to stop by the lingerie counter and pick up a microwaveable bra.
After all, there’s nothing worse on a cold winter morning than having
to wait for a bra to warm up in the oven. Okay, chewing on aluminum
foil, watching the William Hung Christmas Special, and being stranded on
a desert island with Carrot Top without a blunt instrument are all
worse, but we have to tackle one problem at a time. Thanks to lingerie
maker Triumph International you can buy a bra with removable gel-filled
pads that can be warmed up in a microwave oven along with your Spicy
Tuna Jerky Cup-a-Ramen. While the recipient of this, uh, heart-warming
gift could get overheated if she’s not careful, it’s still less
dangerous than the bird-stuffed bra a Florida woman wore last month when
she was arrested for stealing a rare parrot by hiding it in her bra. She
intended on trading it for a 1964 Karmann Ghia but chances are she’ll
be trading it for a roommate named Spike instead. I’m sure she’ll
keep her plenty warm.
— If there’s a foodie on your list, you might
consider asking them to get real and return to calling themselves a
gourmand. If that doesn’t work, teach them a lesson by giving them
something you know they’ve never tasted — Smoked Salmon Pâté
soda. That’s right. Jones Soda Co., the Seattle-based maker of
Turkey & Gravy, Corn on the Cob, and Wild Herb Stuffing sodas, went
and created an orange-colored, fish-flavored, stomach-churning soft
drink. And yes, why is a very good question. It’s an all purpose gift
since it’s vegetarian, certified kosher, and contains no caffeine,
calories, or carbs. Rolaids are extra.
what to give those children on your holiday gift list? You know, the
ones who have everything, want duplicates of them, and act as if it’s
their god-given right to have them? How about a cardboard box.
||— While we’re on the
subjects of food gifts, how many times have you burned yourself in a
sensitive place by stashing your French fries between your legs while in
the car eating lunch, talking on the cell phone, fixing your hair,
looking for a CD, and picking poppy seeds from your teeth? Oh yeah, and
driving. Well it won’t be a problem any longer if you get the Fries
& Things French fry holder from K-Enterprises. It fits into most
car cup holders and even has a little container to hold your ketchup.
Sure it means you won’t be able to file a lawsuit and collect millions
because of nasty lap burns, but that’s a small price to pay for having
a handy condiment cup in the car.
— iPods have been bringing portable good vibes
to people everywhere. Well, except in the bedroom. Luckily that
problem’s been solved thanks to the iBuzz, a handy unit that
plugs into your iPod and converts music to vibrations for your, uh,
personal enjoyment. It comes with his and hers attachments, a Y-adaptor
so you can listen to the music as well as feel it, but alas, batteries
are sold separately. What do you want, everything? It’s only available
in England but it would be worth the trip, especially if you have a
microwaveable bra to keep you warm since it’s pretty cold there right
— Finally, what to give those children on your
holiday gift list? You know, the ones who have everything, want
duplicates of them, and act as if it’s their god-given right to have
them? How about a cardboard box. It’s cheap, it’s easily
available, it’s usually more fun than the toy that came inside, and
best of all, it’s now a bona fide classic. That’s right, the
cardboard box was recently inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame,
right alongside Mr. Potato Head, Legos, and Play-Doh. Or maybe it was
around them. Either way, it comes in many sizes, is easily replaceable,
and can generally be found behind your supermarket for free.
Now that you have the final pieces of
your holiday puzzle you can turn your attention to more important
matters, like looking for someone to kiss under a sprig of poisonous
parasite, trying to figure out the biodegrading half-life of a
fruitcake, and standing in front of the supermarket asking people to
sign a petition to help put the “X” back in Xmas. Happy holiday!
©2005 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them under the mistletoe.