forgot to vote again
by Mad Dog
gaffe Bush could have played “Oops!...I Did It Again.” And
whenever Gore started bragging about something else he didn’t
invent but once dreamed he had, he could play Jane’s Addiction’s
“Been Caught Stealing.”
It’s a sad day when 25 percent of our eighteen to
twenty-four year olds can’t name both presidential candidates.
Unfortunately that day has arrived and it’s called Election Day.
This not-so-startling news came from MTV, the world’s foremost
source for music videos, dry ice smoke, and Mentos commercials, so
you know it’s true.
The survey also found that
70 percent of the respondents had no idea who the vice-presidential
candidates were, one-third thought they might get around to voting,
and the vast majority wanted to know how to write in Daisy
Fuentes’ name. Or maybe that was how to spell it. Trust me, if the
Federal Elections Commission would allow write-in votes as hearts
with initials inside she’d be president faster than you can forget
the name Dick Cheney.
This could be the result of
apathy. Or disillusionment. Or just plain laziness. It must be
something since you’d think any election where young people have
the chance to walk around announcing that they’re all for Bush and
Dick and not get sent to their room without dinner would bring them
out in droves. But it wasn’t the case. Obviously the candidates
didn’t reach out to young voters, which isn’t surprising since
they already had a full schedule of sucking up to baby boomers,
lying to senior citizens, and holding out their palms so big
corporations could pile on lots of money with absolutely no strings
attached and no hope of ever receiving any special favors. Right.
Michael Jackson is lecturing at Oxford University on the subject of
child welfare. This is a lot like having Jeffrey Dahmer give a
cooking class, or
O.J. Simpson talk about how to buy a proper fitting pair of
If the candidates want the younger vote they need to work for
it. They should get performers like Britney Spears and Limp Bizkit
to play at their rallies instead of the same old, lame old rockers
wheeled out of the Almost Dead Rock Stars Convalescent Home And
Half-Hearted Drug Rehab Center. Think about it. After each gaffe
Bush could have played “Oops!...I Did It Again.” And whenever
Gore started bragging about something else he didn’t invent but
once dreamed he had, he could play Jane’s Addiction’s “Been
Caught Stealing.” Honesty in campaigning would do wonders to bring
out the youth vote.
So might better education.
As it stands, forty percent of under-30 voters say they get their
political information from late night TV talk show monologues.
It’s scary to think that Conan O’Brien and Jay Leno are giving
the future leaders of America their civics lessons. Of course,
they’re already getting grammar lessons from Eminem and Tupac
Shakur, the Strunk and White of rap—My bad! I mean the Edwin
Newman of rap—so it may be too late. On the other hand, if “my
bad” can make it into the Random House Webster’s New College
Dictionary then maybe those playas are pretty fly after all.
Perhaps it would help if we
took a tip from the British and had shorter campaign schedules, a
limit on the amount of money the candidates can spend, and make
schoolboys wear shorts, white shirts, and silly caps to school. The
last one wouldn’t help the election turnout, I’m just dying to
find out if it would cause a generation of American boys to aspire
to be Monty Python, Dame Edith Evans, and Eddie Izzard. Of course
when that career path doesn’t pan out—and it won’t, since
there are only so many cross-dressing comedians PBS can
support—they’d turn to more serious ventures, like going to
college where they can learn from scholars like Michael Jackson.
It’s true, Michael Jackson is lecturing at Oxford
University (motto: “The only school named after a shirt”) on the
subject of child welfare. This is a lot like having Jeffrey Dahmer
give a cooking class, or O.J. Simpson talk about how to buy a proper
fitting pair of gloves. Actually, O.J. did lecture at Oxford a few
years ago, but that was only because he was in the area. It seems
there are some damned nice golf courses near the school and you
never know where the real killer might be playing.
The answer to getting our youth out to vote is to
interest them in the political process. Throw the candidates in a
mosh pit and see who body surfs to the stage first. Have a Celebrity
Death Match between the candidates.
America we prefer to get our education another way—we watch “Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire” and brag because we didn’t need a
lifeline to answer the question: “What color is an orange?”
It’s hard to consider any show educational when it doesn’t know
enough to put a question mark at the end of its own title. And while
you’re bound to learn something from it, one thing you’ll never
learn is how Regis got the job in the first place. Or any job in TV
for that matter.
How can the youth of
America hope to vote—or grow up to be president for that
matter—if they don’t get a good education? Luckily for the
future of our country it’s not a prerequisite anymore. In the
second presidential debate Gore confused Serbia with Yugoslavia and
Bush said he wanted to withdraw troops from Haiti when we no longer
have them there. These aren’t tough things to remember. If they
want something tough why don’t they try to explain why Iran has
half a time zone.
It’s true. The International
Herald Tribune (motto: “A little bit of news for a lot of
money”) printed an article recently about countries changing from
daylight savings time. In it they said that when Iran shifted to
winter time they would be 3-1/2 hours ahead of Greenwich Mean Time.
In other words, when it’s noon in England it’s 3:30 PM in Iran.
The half hour isn’t the puzzling part. What’s so odd is I always
assumed Iran was behind the times, not ahead of them.
The answer to getting our
youth out to vote is to interest them in the political process.
Throw the candidates in a mosh pit and see who body surfs to the
stage first. Have a Celebrity Death Match between the candidates. In
fact, they could have made it a tag team so we could watch Tipper
and Barbara Bush trying to claw each other’s eyes out. Better yet,
nominate Daisy Fuentes. That would bring the voters out. After all,
it’s much less intimidating to be able to put a check next to her
name than to have to worry about making a heart with her initials
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