Part VIII - Is that your final answer?

		Part VIII Is that your final answer? by Mad Dog
I suspect they were afraid that if they pissed off the White Demons From Across the Water we’d bring more with us next time. Tour buses full of them. All from Dubuque wearing polyester double knit.		If I hear “Halo, Mister!” one more time I think I’m going to lose my rice. I know everyone’s just being friendly, but couldn’t the school system teach them a few more phrases in English just for variety, like maybe, “Top ‘o the morning” or “You come here often?” or even “What’s your sign, White Boy?” Last week I went to a small island off Bali, the name of which I swore I wouldn’t mention since they don’t get many tourists and the friend I was with is afraid that if I print the name, within weeks everyone will flock there and it will turn into Las Vegas, complete with Siegfried and Wayan’s trained monkeys, slot machines in every warung, and 99-cent gecko cocktails. I’m flattered she thinks I wield this much power. But a promise is a promise, so let’s just say it begins with “Nusa”, which doesn’t help you much since that means “island” in Indonesian, and considering there were 13,670 islands as of the last count (and amazingly no politicians demanded a recount or instigated court proceedings) you have a lot of guesses. There are only two guesthouses and three telephones on the island of Nusa ______. And enough motorbikes to fill a Harley- Davidson convention, though the total cc’s wouldn’t add up to a chopped street bike. Tamu are a rarity, especially when one has a shaved head and handlebar moustache and the other has long, flowing red hair. The only times they’ve seen people who look like us were in traditional paintings of demons. Yet in spite of that—or maybe because of that— most people were friendly. I suspect they were afraid that if they pissed off the White Demons From Across the Water we’d bring more with us next time. Tour buses full of them. All from Dubuque wearing polyester double knit and clutching their free slot machine tokens and half-off coupons for Denny’s Grand Slam Goat Sate and Eggs Breakfast.
You can be anywhere, minding your own business, and someone you’ve never seen in your life will walk up to you and ask, “Where are you going? Where have you been? Where do you live? Are you married? How old are you? Do you have any children? You want transport?”		They were definitely curious. Most people yelled “Halo!” as we drove by on our motorbike. When I first got to Bali I thought it was really nice that so many people knew English pleasantries. It made me feel comforted. After all, the last place I spent an extended time was St-Malo, France, where it’s so bad that everyone has forgotten what the French word for English even is. (HINT: It’s not tête de merde.) Then I found out that people here weren’t speaking English to me after all—the word halo is Indonesian for hello. After “Halo”, the most commonly heard English phrase is “You want transport?” Offering tourists rides on the back of their motorbikes, in their cars, on their bicycles, or even piggyback is the favorite Balinese way to pick up a few extra rupiah. Some days it’s like walking through a gantlet in Ubud. Though I do have to say that before I got the motorbike it came in very handy. Except, of course, that they were never around late at night when I needed them, leaving me to walk home, constantly reminding myself that exercise is good for me, especially the extra bit I got dodging the barking Balinese dogs who own the streets at night. The favorite game here is Dua Puluh Pertanyaan or Twenty Questions. You can be anywhere, minding your own business, and someone you’ve never seen in your life will walk up to you and ask, “Where are you going? Where have you been? Where do you live? Are you married? How old are you? Do you have any children? You want transport?” It’s not that the Balinese are nosy, they’re just curious. Okay, they’re nosy. Real nosy. It’s interesting though that, unlike in the U.S., they don’t ask what you do for a living, how big your bank account is, or what kind of motorbike—I mean, car, you drive. Well, not unless they’re of the opposite sex and happen to know the English phrase “green card.”
I told him I had two children and they were coming along with my wife. I don’t remember what names I gave them, probably Wayan and Gede which really had him going since those are the two names you can give your first born.		Answering these questions is a problem for me, since if you’re over the age of seventeen and not married, they feel sorry for you, and if you don’t have any children, they take pity on you. The Balinese, you see, feel very strongly about the philosophy, “Misery loves company.” One time I was in the grocery store when a man standing next to me started playing “Who Wants to be a Million Rupiah-aire” with me. “Where are you from?” he asked. “America,” I said, since they don’t know United States, just America. “Where you stay?” “Banjar Kalah.” “You married?” “Yes.” “Where your wife?” “In America.” “She not here?” “No.” He looked confused, so I added, “She’ll come later.” He was relieved. I was amazed. Not that he was relieved, but rather at how easily I made up the story. I told him I had two children and they were coming along with my wife. I don’t remember what names I gave them, probably Wayan and Gede which really had him going since those are the two names you can give your first born. He was happy that I had a real life. I was depressed that I had to make one up. I went home and drowned my sorrows in some rice.
Laki-laki is a man. Anak is a child. Therefore a young boy is an anak laki-laki. More than one becomes anak-anak laki-laki. See how much fun this language can be?		If I close the curtains to my cottage for a little while and I’m inside, when I come out there’s inevitably someone waiting to ask me what I was doing. It’s a highly refined form of Balinese radar. Unfortunately my Indonesian phrasebook doesn’t include “jerking off” so I say jalan-jalan. This is an all-purpose answer to the questions, “Where are you going?” and “Where have you been?”. Jalan-jalan means walking, and for some reason if you say that they’re satisfied, not knowing that we more accurately translate the phrase as “none of your damned business.” I often use jalan-jalan to answer any question they ask, which usually satisfies them because they realize that I’m not just tamu (tourist), but also gila (crazy). Bahasa Indonesia, the Indonesian language, has some interesting touches. There are no tenses, so “Saya jalan-jalan” can mean I walk, I walked, I will walk, I would have walked, and of course, none of your damned business. In order to make a word plural you repeat it. Car is mobil. Cars is mobil-mobil. This is actually very fun, especially with some words. Laki-laki is a man. Anak is a child. Therefore a young boy is an anak laki-laki. More than one becomes anak-anak laki-laki. See how much fun this language can be?
		Hati is liver, though it’s used like we use heart, as in “he has a big heart.” Hati-hati means caution. You see this on road work signs all over the place. It’s going to be tough when I get back to the states and I start telling people to be careful by saying, “Liver liver!” All those doubled words get bulky, which is why they often abbreviate them in print by squaring them. Thus, cars becomes mobil ². Hati-hati becomes hati ². When you abbreviate children by writing anak ² laki ² you start to understand why most Balinese are better at calculus than English. A few other basic words in Bahasa Indonesia which are good to know: Tolong - please Terima kasih – thank you Tidak – no, which is usually followed by a blank stare for about two minutes until you want to ask, “What part of tidak don’t you understand?” Bagus – which means “good”. You see this everywhere and it’s easy to remember since it sounds a bit like bogus. If you ever try the bagels at Bagels Bagus you’ll remember this forever. Anjing Gila – Mad Dog. And you thought I get funny looks when I tell them I’m not married. [ Previous ] [ Part IX - I'm dreaming of a white rice Christmas ] [Bali, Hi! INDEX] Read more Mad Dog on the Road ©2000 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Halo, Mister!