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Slip
Slidin' Away on the Battlefield
by Mad Dog
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They ruled out
refining existing non-lethal weapons such as Nerf balls, water balloons,
and spitballs. Rubber bullets, pepper spray, and projecting
billboard-size holograms of Anna Nicole Smith eating a Big Mac are already
a part of their arsenal. |
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As President Bush is
finding out, war is a slippery business. And now, thanks to a Texas
company, it’s literally true. In an effort to come up with a new
non-lethal weapon, scientists at the Southwest Research Institute have
created an antitraction gel extracted from a substance found on Bill
Clinton’s skin. Just kidding. Actually that turned out to be the same
substance they found on a certain blue dress and none of the scientists
would touch it.
The antitraction gel was created for
the Marines, who figure that since peace isn’t part of the
military’s job description, the least they can do is try to come up
with non-lethal methods of fighting a war. They considered not teaching
marksmanship, holding a Celebrity Death Match between the countries’
leaders, and having the opposing troops play rock, paper, and scissors,
but decided against them. The last one is a particular shame because
I’m pretty good at it and I’ve been thinking it was getting on time
for a career change. Not to mention that Major General would look pretty
spiffy in front of my name on a business card, don’t you think?
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There are a few problems with
antitraction gel, the main one being that if the enemy can’t walk or
drive on it neither can our troops. To remedy this, the government will
issue ice skates to every soldier.
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Instead they’re
developing new weapons, which isn’t surprising since one thing that is
in the military’s job description is that they have to spend gobs of
money each year, and if they don’t spend every penny of it and a bit
more the government might have to give some of it back to us and you
know they don’t want to have to do that. Thus they ruled out refining
existing non-lethal weapons such as Nerf balls, water balloons, and
spitballs. Rubber bullets, pepper spray, and projecting billboard-size
holograms of Anna Nicole Smith eating a Big Mac are all out too since
they’re already a part of their arsenal, even though the last one is
in violation of Article 33 of the Geneva Convention. So they put their
heads together and, after putting ice packs on their foreheads to take
down the swelling, came up with the idea of antitraction gel.
What
they devised is a sprayable gel that is so slippery it’s impossible to
drive or walk on it. Spray it on the street and you have a modern
version of the Little Rascals episode where Buckwheat spills
marbles on the floor and everyone slips and slides all over the place.
Hey, it was funny then, it was funny in the parade scene of Animal
House, and it was almost funny in Home Alone 3. So there’s
no reason to believe it won’t be downright hilarious when we watch the
footage on CNN of Saddam Hussein skittering around the desert and
falling on his defiant, weapon-producing butt. And watch it. And watch
it. Over and over and over and over again.
There are a few problems with
antitraction gel, the main one being that if the enemy can’t walk or
drive on it neither can our troops. To remedy this, the government will
issue ice skates to every soldier, then draft Sara Hughes and Michelle
Kwan to be drill sergeants. With Dick Button handling the color
commentary, of course. Hopefully the Russian mafia will keep their noses
out of it this time since the last thing we need is an antitraction
skating judging scandal in the middle of a war to distract us from the
task at hand.
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It will be the perfect thing to spray on the doorknob when
you don’t want anyone to disturb you. Women will coat their bras with
it before going out in order to thwart grabby dates. |
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Slick-um™
brand antitraction gel is made mostly of water, so it dries in about 12
hours. Seven if you have a blow dryer. It’s nontoxic, biodegradable,
and keeps slipping out of the cans before they can seal them up. It’s
slicker than Teflon, which means we’ll probably see an Antitraction
Don taking over where John Gotti left off. It’s slipperier than PAM,
WD-40, and K-Y put together, so once the final strains of the Marine’s
new theme song, Paul Simon’s Slip Slidin’ Away, fade into the
battlefield distance it will have a booming peacetime market, becoming
indispensable for chefs, handymen, and sex workers.
As
time goes on, people will find more and more uses for antitraction gel.
It will be the perfect thing to spray on the doorknob when you don’t
want anyone to walk into the room and disturb you. Women will coat their
bras with it before going out in order to thwart grabby dates. And
parents everywhere will start bathing their kids in it so dirt will
slide right off them.
Of course if it falls into the wrong
hands it could be trouble. Bored teenagers will spray it on your car
tires and laugh as you sit there and spin your wheels for 12 hours until
it finally dries. Criminals will spray some on their wrists and watch
the handcuffs slip right off. On the other hand, you could use it to
coat your wallet so you don’t have to worry about a pickpocket being
able to grab it, though you’d have to be careful that you didn’t
accidentally get it on your money or it would slip right through your
fingers. Which wouldn’t be any different than it is right now except
you’d have a good excuse—you could blame the government. After all,
they’re the ones who rejected the idea of settling international
disputes by playing rock, paper, and scissors.
©2002 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while sliding down the street.
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