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Baby's First Cable
Channel
by Mad Dog
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Now, thanks to BabyFirstTV, infants
can break up the monotony by watching shows like Brainy Baby, I
Can Sign, and Play With Me, the latter which will probably be
the first words they speak. Okay, right after “Get me away from this
freaking TV and...” |
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It’s amazing it’s
taken this long, but finally we have a cable channel programmed for
babies. I didn’t say by babies — that would, of course, mean
Anderson Cooper is the head of programming. No, this is a 24-hour
channel created specifically for infants. After all, it must get boring
spending all your time eating, crying, pooping, sleeping, and trying to
figure out why everyone who looks at you makes a funny face and speaks
English like, well, a baby. No more! Now, thanks to BabyFirstTV, infants
can break up the monotony by watching shows like Brainy Baby, I
Can Sign, and Play With Me, the latter which will probably be
the first words they speak. Okay, right after “Get me away from this
freaking TV and...”
Why shouldn’t we have a channel for
tots? After all, we already have The Golf Channel (“It’s always a
good time to fall asleep”), the Outdoor Channel (“Clean Hands. No
Sweating. No Mosquitoes.”), and the Military Channel (“Drop and give
me 20 pauses on the remote!”) for us adults, why not something for the
little ones? Hey, we don’t want them to grow up thinking we didn’t
care enough to shell out $9.99 a month for a cable channel they can call
their own, now would we? It’s a small price to pay now to save on
therapy bills later.
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Wouldn’t it be better for them to watch Tillie
Knock Knock than Rick Springfield returning to General Hospital
after 25 years of playing Jessie’s Girl at state and county
fairs all over the country?
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Actually, it’s probably a good idea to have a channel just for
infants. After all, they’re going to watch TV anyway. A study released
by the Kaiser Family Foundation found that one-third of children up to
age 6 live in homes where the TV is on almost all the time, so unless
they’re too busy trying to figure out the best place to spit up
without it being discovered for three smelly weeks, they’re already
seeing plenty of TV. Wouldn’t it be better for them to watch Tillie
Knock Knock than Rick Springfield returning to General Hospital
after 25 years of playing Jessie’s Girl at state and county
fairs all over the country? Okay, bad example. That’s what’s known
as a no-win situation, much like not filing your taxes so you don’t
have to send the IRS a check, actually answering the question “Do
these pants make my butt look big?”, and the war in Iraq.
The Kaiser survey also found that one
child in five under the age of 2 has a TV in his or her bedroom. Who
cares if the American Academy of Pediatrics says children under 2
shouldn’t be watching any TV at all, this is the same bunch that
claims babies shouldn’t sleep on their stomachs, ride in a car without
a car seat, or have Britney as a mother. Maybe all this TV watching at
an early age helps explain why a survey by National Geographic found
that one-third of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 couldn’t
find Louisiana on a map, seven in ten were unable to locate Israel, and
60% couldn’t locate Iraq without enlisting, yet 94% knew Dora the
Explorer and wondered why their AAA maps don’t have eyes and talk to
them like Map does.
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Why not start
showing them TV while they’re still in the womb? Parents play Mozart
by pressing a speaker to Mom’s stomach in the hope it will make them
smarter when all it really does is make them rebel against classical
music and become devoted Megadeath groupies by the time they’re 4
instead of fourteen. |
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The
founders of BabyFirstTV say their programs are educational. While Yoyo
and Peanut, Bobby’s Balloons, and Petey’s Paintbrush
all sound like heady learning experiences, it’s a safe bet that in the
second season they’ll start airing shows like The World’s Top
Mobiles, Bottles - Ain’t Nothin’ Like The Real Thing, and
one dedicated to the baby’s future if it spends too much time tuned in
to BabyFirstTV, American Idle. All they’ll need to do is add a
food show and they’ll give a whole new meaning to pablum on TV. If the
channel’s a success, it will undoubtedly spawn new products for
babies, like Cheetos-flavored formula, the La-Z-Baby Reclining Crib, and
T-shirts that say “My Mom and Dad had afternoon sex for the first time
in years and all I got was to watch BabyFirstTV.” Can the
BabyFirstWebSite.com online store be far behind?
The creators of BabyFirstTV say the
channel’s a good thing and will aid interaction between infants and
parents because they’ll fall sleep — I mean, watch TV — together.
Right. And a pinch of cyanide brings out the flavor of Kool-Aid.
There’s nothing quite like bonding over the TV to get life started on
a good footing, but why wait until the baby’s born? Why not start
showing them TV while they’re still in the womb? Parents play Mozart
by pressing a speaker to Mom’s stomach in the hope it will make them
smarter when all it really does is make them rebel against classical
music and become devoted Megadeath groupies by the time they’re 4
instead of fourteen. But since BabyFirstTV’s website says they offer
“stimulating daytime and soothing night/naptime content,” how can it
hurt to sidle up to the TV and put your pregnant stomach against it?
During the day it will stimulate them and at night it will soothe.
Remember, you’re never too young to start falling asleep in front of
the TV.
©2006 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them
to your baby.
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