Mommy, Why Do I Have to Go to School?
by Mad Dog

  The simple answer is that it will help preserve what little remains of Mommy and Daddy’s sanity. Of course you can’t tell them that because they’ll just laugh at the idea that you think you have any left. Then they’ll feel bad because it means they failed their one and only summer goal, the result being that you’ll have to spend the money you were saving for the Anna Nicole Smith Christmas House Tour on psychiatrist bills to straighten the kids out. If you don’t, you’ll be the one spending the rest of your life in therapy instead of them, trying desperately to figure out where you failed, what you could have done differently, and how in the world they’ll get through airport security metal detectors with all the piercings you know they’ll get because you didn’t tell them the truth in the first place.

  So save yourself all that emotional wear and tear and be honest from the start. Tell them they need to go to school so they can earn a living. Just don’t tell them it has to be a good one because they’re going to have to take care of you when you’re old since you just found out that a 401(k) filled with Enron, WorldCom, and Global Crossing stock doesn’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

   To put that in perspective, they’ll be working a whopping 84,000 hours, or nine and a half solid years of their life were they to work 24 hours a day, which of course they won’t. Though it will feel like it sometimes. And if Time magazine is correct—and I know the use of the word “if” is blasphemous—we’re all going to be retiring later, if at all. Thus they’re going to be working even more years than you did. This is why it’s important for your children to study hard, do their homework, and spend at least one hour a day working on their retirement program by standing in front of a mirror saying, “Would you like fries with that?” Hey, you can never be too young to start planning for your Golden Years.

   Before they can figure out what they want to be when they grow up, it’s probably a good idea to check off some of the things they don’t want to be. Priests, accountants, CEOs, and Carrot Top all used to be good career choices but not anymore. Even if the pay’s good, is the money worth it when you know everyone hates you?

   Then there are the perennial favorites. Being a fireman has gotten a big boost since September 11. Becoming an astronaut isn’t bad, though the cachet isn’t as high now that you can buy your way onto a space mission for $22 million. Well, unless you’re Lance Bass of ‘N Synch and they don’t even want to take your cash. Ballerinas tend towards eating disorders and mutilated feet, cowboys are okay in the country but not in the city where walking around wearing leather chaps and carrying rope attracts boyfriends instead of cows, and humor writers, well, trust me, you don’t want them doing that.

   If they still like the idea of being a politician, encourage them to get a lobotomy. Just kidding. Actually that’s what they should do if they want to be a TV newscaster. If they want to be a politician they should be more practical and aim at a governorship. Not only are there 50 times as many job opportunities, there’s a much faster turnover. Especially if you move to New Jersey. During eight days this past January the state had five (count ‘em, 5!) governors. Sure one of them only had the job for an hour, but it’s still going to look damned impressive on his resume.

   They might also consider becoming a coal miner. While it’s true it’s a dirty, grimy, thankless job, they might get lucky and get trapped in a mine. Recently, after the nine coal miners in Pennsylvania were rescued after 77 hours underground, they received more than 120 offers for their story. They ended up selling the TV and book rights to the Walt Disney Co. for $150,000 each. True, being trapped underground all that time couldn’t have been pleasant, but for $1948.05 an hour I know plenty of people who would give it a shot.  Full time, that would be $4,051,948 a year, which even though it’s a lot less than the average CEO who’s headed for jail earns, it’s still enough to build a nice little house down in the mine.

   Of course there are other careers your children could consider, though none too seriously. After all, being a guest on Jerry Springer, professional reality show contestant, wannabe pop star, or basketball net knotter all seem like they’d be fun, but they’re more work than you think. Besides, do they really want to spend the next 84,000 hours of their life doing that?

©2002 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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