Politics of boredom

		The politics of boredom. And vice versa. by Mad Dog
There’s a reason why when insurance policies use the phrase “acts of God” they’re not referring to your falling in love or finding a winning lottery ticket in the street. They’re talking about tragedies, like an earthquake, monsoon, or new Rob Schneider movie.		Politics is no fun in this country, not for the politicians and certainly not for those of us who have to live with the consequences of what they do. Or don’t do as the case may be. The only ones who truly enjoy politics are Jay Leno, David Letterman, and Bill Maher, because if it wasn’t for politics they’d be saying “Do you want fries with that?” instead of “Hey, how about that Dubya?”. The problem is politicians aren’t having a good time. If they were they’d be in a better mood and wouldn’t spend their waking hours passing legislation to make sure we’re as miserable as they are. But like a guy who doesn’t put the toilet seat down when he’s finished, politicians can change. Okay, like some guys. A few. Okay, a couple. The first thing they need to do is make laws more positive. Instead of everything being “you can’t do this” and “you must do that”, they need to stop passing laws and start passing suggestions. Most people don’t like being told what they can and can’t do; they respond better to gentle hints. It’s subliminal, much the same way showing short clips of dancing popcorn boxes in the movie theater makes you want to sign up for salsa lessons. Sure they’re just following in God’s footsteps, what with all his thou shalt not’s, but he’s not exactly the best role model around. After all, anyone who would unleash devastating floods, plagues, wars, and AIDS isn’t exactly someone I’d want my children to emulate. Come to think of it, he makes Hitler look like Mother Theresa. There’s a reason why when insurance policies use the phrase “acts of God” they’re not referring to your falling in love or finding a winning lottery ticket in the street. They’re talking about tragedies, like an earthquake, monsoon, or new Rob Schneider movie.
It’s possible they have so few bills in England because their country has been around so much longer than ours, meaning they have many more laws and can’t think of anything else to legislate. Or perhaps they’re too busy powdering their wigs to bother.		Second, politicians need to learn to have fun. If they were in a better mood they’d pass better laws. Or at least fewer of them, which is the same thing. You can’t blame them for being grumpy. After all, day in and day out they sit in stuffy buildings which look like big granite mausoleums. This is far from inspiring. If they’d hire the new-and-out-of-the-movie-theater Pee Wee Herman to be the interior decorator of the Capitol I guarantee they’d have more fun. Not to mention that C-SPAN’s ratings would go through the roof. And once they got Toys-R-Us, Mattel, and EAR Earplugs to sponsor the broadcast, they’d be able to pay off the national debt and give us a tax refund without any of that icky old-fashioned bipartisan debate stuff. They also need to cut down on their workload. A while back there was an uproar when they suddenly realized that—gasp!—there was a wide gap between those in this country who could afford computers and those who couldn’t. Thus they did what they do best: they introduced 50 bills and provisions to fix the disparity. Is it any wonder the Senate’s official motto is: “Quantity is Job One”? Contrast this with England, where in the last session of Parliament prime minister Tony Blair proposed a measly 15 bills. For the whole session. Even for Jolly Olde England this was a pittance, since the year before they had to deal with a whopping 28 of them. And somehow lived to talk about it. It’s possible they have so few bills because their country has been around so much longer than ours, meaning they have many more laws and can’t think of anything else to legislate. Or perhaps they’re too busy powdering their wigs to bother with silly legislation. But chances are they’re spending so much time searching for any vestiges of the empire that they just don’t have the energy.
In Jordan, two members of Parliament recently exchanged heated words on the floor, got into a fistfight, and one got so excited he thought he was Mohammed Tyson, biting off part of his colleague’s ear.		American politicians not only need to do less, they need to stop being so damned nice. In Congress they refer to each other as “the respected gentleman from North Carolina” and “my esteemed colleague who I’m pretending to like.” This leaves no room for passion. There used to be fiery debates in Congress, at least if you can believe the history books and movies, and if you can’t believe them who can you believe? Now they’re all so politically correct and working so hard to make sure they don’t offend anyone—most of all a lobbying group that happens to have oodles of money sitting around getting mildewed—that the legislative sessions have all the passion and excitability of my grandmother’s mah jong game. And she’s been dead for years. It’s not like this in other countries. In Japan they have periodic fistfights in the Diet. In England not long ago the deputy prime minister punched out a protestor who threw an egg at him. And in Jordan, two members of Parliament recently exchanged heated words on the floor, got into a fistfight, and one got so excited he thought he was Mohammed Tyson, biting off part of his colleague’s ear and forgetting to quote Mark Antony’s “lend me your ear” speech in the process, which will probably cost him the next election. It’s time we all sent a message to our politicians: Think positive, have fun, work less, and get some passion back in your job. Hey, it beats saying “Do you want fries with that?”, doesn’t it? ©2001 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them before they're legislated out of existence.