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You Can Never Be Too Rich, Too Thin, Or Brush Your Teeth Too Often
by Mad Dog


Brushing your teeth might soon be considered an important part of a heart-healthy lifestyle, right alongside not smoking, getting regular exercise, and eating lots of any food product that has a heart on the package, a particularly fun prospect around Valentine’s Day. 
If there’s one thing most of us dislike more than paying taxes, having to listen to a disemboweled voice on the phone tell us over and over how important our call is to them, or watching a fully clothed Super Bowl halftime show, it’s going to the dentist. There’s something primally fear-inducing about dentists, and it goes beyond the horrible soft rock music they force you to listen to, a torture technique Szell, the dentist in Marathon Man, only wishes he’d dreamed up. Well, if he were real. And alive.

   But going to a dentist is important because good dental hygiene is a positive thing. Not only does it result in less time spent listening to a drill whine as every bone in your head vibrates, more money in your pocket rather than going to pay for someone else’s new boat, and increased social opportunities with members of the opposite sex, it turns out it can also reduce the risk of a heart attack and stroke. Oh yeah, and help you lose weight.

   Who ever thought brushing your teeth had so many benefits? Had my mother explained this to me when I was young rather than using the argument that if I didn’t brush my teeth they’d all fall out and my only career opportunity would be as a Moms Mabley imitator I might have been more prone to do it rather than run the water in the bathroom while I scrubbed the side of the sink with my toothbrush. And to think, my mother always wondered why her friends would comment about how the sink in the bathroom was so incredibly clean and shiny.


It turns out that while you’re brushing your teeth to help prevent a heart attack you’re also helping keep your weight down. Hey, it doesn’t get any better than this. Well, not unless we were to find out that brushing our teeth also makes Jessica Simpson invisible.
   The first bit of tooth brushing news comes courtesy of Columbia University, where researchers discovered that people with gum disease were more likely to suffer from a narrowing of blood vessels, a condition that can lead to stroke, heart attack, and fuzzy thinking which can cause you to choose a college major that results in your being handed big piles of grant money to scrape gunk off people’s teeth and look at it under a microscope. At least I hope that’s their excuse. This news means brushing your teeth might soon be considered an important part of a heart-healthy lifestyle, right alongside not smoking, getting regular exercise, and eating lots of any food product that has a heart on the package, a particularly fun prospect around Valentine’s Day. But that’s not all, it turns out that while you’re brushing your teeth to help prevent a heart attack you’re also helping keep your weight down. Hey, it doesn’t get any better than this. Well, not unless we were to find out that brushing our teeth also makes Jessica Simpson invisible.

   This new twist comes courtesy of a survey published in the Journal of the Japan Society for the Study of Obesity (motto: “Fatty tuna, not fatty people”) that found a correlation between being slim and brushing your teeth after every meal, giving birth to the new diet catch phrase, “You can never be too rich, too thin, or brush your teeth too often.” They say the connection isn’t from the exercise you get brushing your teeth, after all, according to a calorie burning calculator I found on a web site — and if you can’t believe that what can you believe? — brushing your teeth for one minute burns a whopping three calories. In other words, even if you brushed your teeth for five minutes, three times a day, you’d still only expend 45 calories, which is about the same number you’ll find in one teaspoon of butter, one cup of broccoli, five jelly bellys, or an infinite amount of water.


Do not — Repeat: do not — use a toilet brush on your teeth. Maybe you think this is crazy, but there’s at least one brush manufacturer that’s not so sure. 
   According to the researchers, the real reason members of the Clean Teeth Club tend to be thin is that those who take care of their teeth are more prone to be the type of people who also take care of the rest of their body. Still, they claim “tooth brushing would play a role in maintaining health and would help prevent obesity,” and if I wasn’t so busy brushing my teeth in the hopes of shedding a few pounds I’d agree.

   Something tells me that once this news gets out it won’t be long before we see toothpaste ads trumpeting, “Lose weight with Crest!” and “Colgate helps fight heart disease!” And why not, they already claim to reduce cavities, plaque, gingivitis, dingy teeth, bad breath, and everything short of the federal deficit, why not weight too? Then the toothbrush companies will get into the act, which brings up another point. Do not — Repeat: do not — use a toilet brush on your teeth. Maybe you think this is crazy, but there’s at least one brush manufacturer that’s not so sure. That’s why they won first prize in the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch Wacky Warning Label contest this year for having a warning on their toilet brush that says: “Do not use for personal hygiene.” Thanks for the warning, guys.

   So keep those teeth clean. Remember, clean teeth mean clean arteries. And slimmer arteries. Not to mention less time having to listen to horrible soft rock music. Pass the floss, will you?

©2005 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them while brushing your teeth.

 

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