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Get
a Tan While Riding a 60,000-Mile Elevator
by Mad Dog
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The ribbon would
be made from nanotubes, which are super-strong cylindrical molecules of
carbon that are created when scientists smoke a lot of marijuana. Just
kidding. Actually crack works better. |
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Last month a group of
scientists in France announced that they’d successfully cloned a rat.
Not a useful animal, like say a German Shepherd that could lead a blind
person, a snail they could cook in garlic butter and eat while you’d
say “Ewww!”, or a tiger to help keep the population of Las Vegas
magicians down. No, they chose a rat. While I’m sure genetically
identical rats have uses in the lab other than dressing them in matching
costumes at Christmas and Halloween so people in the labs down the hall
can ooh and ahh over them, it seems that if scientists are going to put
that much time and energy into making a discovery, the least they can do
is choose something more practical. You know, like a 60,000 mile high
elevator.
It’s true. The Los Alamos National
Laboratory (motto: “Want to know a secret?”) recently held a
conference so scientists could discuss the possibility of building an
elevator that will haul cargo to a space station. A 60,000 mile high
one. To put this into perspective, that’s like driving across the
country 20,000 times, circling the Earth two and a half times, or making
it two-thirds of the way to the moon. Hell, that’s even longer than
Louis Anderson’s belt, if you can believe that, and you’d better
since this gets even stranger. The scientists say the elevator will run
up and down a ribbon that’s three feet wide and thinner than paper,
carrying up to 13 tons at a time. And no, I’m not going to make
another comment about Louis Anderson. One per column is enough.
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No more sitting in
the sun sweating while you feel your skin cells metamorphose into
cancer. Say goodbye to that blotchy, uneven orange color you get from
the bottle which makes you look like a stone-washed George
Hamilton. |
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As incredible as this project sounds, they say it could happen
because the ribbon would be made from nanotubes, which are super-strong
cylindrical molecules of carbon that are created when scientists smoke a
lot of marijuana. Just kidding. Actually crack works better. The only
problem at the moment is that no one’s been able to make a nanotube
longer than a few feet long, but I’m sure they’ll get it figured
out. After all, they’ve already conquered such age-old problems as the
common cold, blatant sarcasm disguised as humor, and the spray-on tan,
so I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.
Yes, you can actually get a spray-on
tan. No more sitting in the sun sweating while you feel your skin cells
metamorphose into cancer. Say goodbye to that blotchy, uneven orange
color you get from the bottle which makes you look like a stone-washed
George Hamilton. This is the 21st century. All you have to do is step
into a metal box and strike several poses while a carwash-like sprayer
covers you with hot wax—I mean, sunless tanning lotion. Hot wax is
extra. Then you buff yourself with a towel and—voila!—instant
Aztec sun god. Why they don’t use those hanging strips of fabric you
find in a carwash to buff you is beyond me, but they didn’t ask me,
which is a good thing because I would have told them not to waste their
time since an airbrush tan is all anyone really needs.
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Isn’t it about time trompe l'oeil came out of the art
museums and onto our bodies? |
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In case you’ve been too busy hiding in the attic trying to
maintain that fish belly white look—I mean, porcelain skin—to hear
about it, airbrush tanning is the now passé way to get a golden glow.
The process is simple: someone who used to paint customized vans
airbrushes you with tanning solution, hopefully fighting the urge to
paint “If this tan’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’” on
your stomach. The big attraction of the airbrush tan is that they can
give you contour lines to give you the cut and definition of
California’s new governor while still being able to brag to your
friends that you’re helping support an artist. Well, as long as you
don’t mind using the term loosely. It’s a natural. Well, in a false
sort of way. I guess if you’re not bothered by people knowing your tan
is artificial, why would you care if your muscles are too? Besides,
isn’t it about time trompe l'oeil came out of the art museums and onto
our bodies?
But back to the cloned rats. If
scientists are going to put that much time, money, energy, and irony
into their research, why are they using it to copy something that
already exists rather than come up with something entirely new? Rats
have been around for 54 million years, what we really need is a new
animal. You know, like the one Douglas Herrick created in 1932—the
jackalope. Herrick not only created it, he and his brother made a living
by selling thousands of the half bunny, half antelopes. Which means they
didn’t need a government research grant to survive. Or why not create
a brand new food product, like the new fat-free half-and-half? Yes, you
can really buy this amazing new oxymoronic product which, judging by the
list of ingredients, gets its name from the fact that it’s made of
half natural ingredients and half chemicals you can’t pronounce. You
know, like Cool Whip if they were to add a touch of real milk by
mistake. Come to think of it, maybe scientists should figure out how to
clone whipped cream. Could you do me a favor and pass that research
grant application this way?
©2003 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while waiting for that 60,000-mile elevator to come to
your floor.
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