Fossett survived, but only because he was so used to dealing with lawyers in the business world that the Great Whites were like old friends.

     But for some this just isn’t enough. On a single day in August a slew of people were in the news for trying to push themselves to the limit, leaving the rest of us to be content with pushing our remotes to the limit trying to avoid hearing about them because, face it, it’s very tiring and if we’re not careful we won’t have enough strength to open that third bag of jalapeno-cheese-flavored popcorn.

     First there was Steve Fossett, the balloonist who has more money than sense, which explains why he was trying to become the first person to fly around the world nonstop in a balloon hoping to bump into Amelia Earhart. Unfortunately he didn’t find her, though he did find himself in shark-infested waters when he had to ditch the balloon about two-thirds of the way through the trip.

     Fossett survived, but only because he was so used to dealing with lawyers in the business world that the Great Whites were like old friends. The balloon didn’t fare as well. It ended up being twisted by a clown fish into a balloon poodle for Keiko’s welcome home party.

   

     Lecomte too, had a problem with sharks. This points out an important lesson: sharks are inherent to any death-defying feat. This has been true since they made the movie Jaws. If sharks do one thing well besides eating, swimming, and defecating, it’s hold a grudge, and they still haven’t forgiven Spielberg for using Bruce the mechanical shark when so many of them are swimming around with signs that say: Will kill for food.

     Finally, there was Tori Murden, a social worker from Louisville, Kentucky who woke up one morning and thought to herself, "That Frenchman’s crazy! Who would want to swim across the Atlantic? I think I’ll row across it." Thus she set out in a customized 23-foot rowboat to become the first woman and the first American to leave Nag’s Head, North Carolina during summer vacation by water. Just kidding. Actually people do it all the time, but it’s usually after smuggling drugs into Oregon Inlet.

     Tori, however, was going to be the first to row out of there and end up in France. Unfortunately high winds from Hurricane Danielle came along and caused her to capsize 11 times in one night so she called it quits. Some people have no dedication.

     Why do people do these things? Fossett probably did it to prove to himself that he had more self-worth than just his mega-millions. Lecomte swam to raise money for cancer research, but that’s a lame excuse—he could have collected just as much had he stood in Terminal 2 at O’Hare Airport with a guitar, a bundle of incense, and a Starbucks cup singing "Leaving on a Jet Plane", though admittedly that would have been more dangerous. And Murden? Let’s just say we all need a break from our rowing machines from time to time.

     But that doesn’t mean I want to tempt fate. Some people climb Mt. Everest. Others ski down it. Personally I think sitting high up in the nose-bleed back row of an IMAX theater and watching the movie is intense enough.

     Maybe the people who do these things are afraid they’re missing something in life. Many of us do. Lubavitch Jews, an orthodox sect, are so worried it will happen to them that they’ve taken to carrying pagers so they can be notified when the Messiah arrives. Trust me, it will be posted on the Internet within minutes.

     If you want to break records and push yourself, there are safer and saner ways to do it. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa are breaking home run records and they don’t sleep in a balloon or a rowboat, they sleep in their comfy beds. Ken Starr just spent four years creating the world’s most expensive Harlequin romance and he tosses and turns in bed. And then there’s Bill Clinton, who’s been scoring more than McGwire and Sosa, which means he gets to sleep in a lot of beds. Now that’s an adventure. 

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