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It's
to die for
by Mad Dog
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If someone
in your family is a true do-it- yourselfer, funerals.org sells a
video which will train them in the fine art of embalming. Remember:
Nothin’ says lovin’ like pickling your first cousin. |
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Death has come to the Internet. Oh, there have been sites around for
ages which show the gravestones of famous people, let you get in on
ghoul pools (where you predict which celebrities will die this year
in the hopes of winning big bucks and fun prizes), and give you all
the gory details about dead and dying dot-coms. But these are
spectator sites. Once Internet users welcomed porn, paying taxes,
and K-Mart online—obscene practices, all—it was just a short
step to the emergence of another one: active death sites.
For starters, you can buy a
casket online, and amazingly it’s not at Amazon.com. If it’s
death you want there I’d suggest ordering a copy of “The Tibetan
Book of the Dead.” Or maybe some of the company’s stock. But if
it’s a casket you’re after you’re going to have to make a
decision since you have over 100 sites to choose from, all the way
from the original, PeachtreeCasketsDirect.com,
where they’ll overnight one with a golf course painted on it
called “Fairway to Heaven”, to trappistcaskets.com
where monks at an abbey in Iowa will hand build a classic
Dracula-style coffin to fit your budget, lifestyle, and loved one.
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People do interesting
things with cremated remains. Some put them in the classic urn on
the mantle. Others bury them, which seems to defeat the purpose.
Still others scatter the ashes in a loved one’s favorite place.
Like the La-Z-Boy.
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Don’t just bookmark the sites. Check them out now and make sure
your lawyer puts the URL in your will. And while you’re at it
cruise over to funeralstodiefor.com
where you can plan all the details of your funeral online. After
all, there won’t be a modem in your casket—yet—so you’d
better take care of those pesky little details before you don’t
have any say in the matter and they bury you in that outfit you
always said you wouldn’t be caught dead in. Of course if someone
in your family is a true do-it-yourself-er, funerals.org sells a
video which will train them in the fine art of embalming. Remember:
Nothin’ says lovin’ like pickling your first cousin.
Not
everyone needs these services. About 25 percent of the 2.3 million
Americans who died last year were cremated, a number that’s
expected to reach 40 percent ten years from now. The reasons for
this are many. For one, it’s cheaper. For another, it’s
environmentally sound. After all, according to the Cremation
Association of North America (“When You Absolutely Positively Want
to Make an Ash of Yourself”) the average cremated ashes weigh
about 6½ pounds and take up about the same amount of space as a
Kenneth Cole size 7 shoe box. And cost a lot less than the shoes
which came in it.
People do interesting
things with cremated remains. Some put them in the classic urn on
the mantle (“Does this vase need to be dusted or is that your Aunt
Mildred?”). Others bury them, which seems to defeat the purpose.
Still others scatter the ashes in a loved one’s favorite place.
Like the La-Z-Boy. Sometimes, though, even these plans go awry. A
few years ago in California authorities discovered a warehouse full
of ash-filled cardboard boxes which a pilot was supposed to have
scattered from his plane (“Your seat cushion will double as a
flotation device, but that doesn’t matter to you now.”).
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Roy Rogers was at the opening of one of his eponymous
restaurants introducing the Trigger Burger™ and he said, “When I
die I hope they skin me out and put me up on Trigger.” So imagine my
disappointment when I went to the Roy Rogers Museum and Trigger’s
saddle was empty. |
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Personally, I’ve always thought it would be nice to have my
friends smoke my remains. Of course I haven’t checked with the
D.E.A. so I’m not sure whether I might be encouraging them to
commit a Schedule A felony or whether it would just be Contributing
To The Delinquency Of Friends Who Are So Goofy They Go Along With
One Of My Dumb Ideas.
There are other options besides burial and cremation. You
could do what Roy Rogers did when Trigger died and have him stuffed,
or mounted as they prefer to say at the Roy Rogers Museum, though
personally that sounds a little too necrophilic
for my taste. Roy was so happy having Trigger reared up on
his hind legs forever that he also had Bullet the Wonder Dog,
Dale’s horse Buttermilk, and Trigger, Jr. stuffed. I remember a
few years back when Roy was at the opening of one of his eponymous
restaurants introducing the Trigger Burger™ and he said, “When I
die I hope they skin me out and put me up on Trigger.” Just
kidding. Actually there was no Trigger Burger™. So imagine my
disappointment when I went to the Roy Rogers Museum and Trigger’s
saddle was empty.
All I can figure is that
Roy is in Dale’s guestroom waiting for someone to wash their hands
with him. This isn’t as farfetched as it seems. The Mütter Museum in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania has a woman’s body
on display that turned to soap after being buried. They don’t say
how or why this happened, but if the idea of having your friends and
family wash their hands with you after you go is appealing, you
might contact the museum and see if they can help. Come to think of
it, though, you might forget the museum and just go online. If
it’s not there already I have a feeling SpouseOnARope.com
will be open for business any day now. And why not? If you can’t
come clean after you die when can you?
©2000 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while waiting for your casket to be delivered.
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