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If
It Isn't One Thing, It's Another
by Mad Dog
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It was inevitable
that sooner or later we’d have to pay for the sins of putting a man on
the moon, allowing Dan Quayle to step inside the White House, and
putting A Simple Life on the air. |
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It must be Natural
Disaster Week here in San Francisco. First, one-third of the city lost
electricity last weekend — mine was out for 23 hours — when a
PG&E substation caught fire. What the power company is doing selling
subs is beyond me, but if they’re going to continue they should leave
the toasting of the rolls to Quizno’s and not take chances with our
precious power grid. Apparently whoever was working Saturday night
forgot that you’re supposed to admire heroes, not burn them.
Then a couple of days later there was
an earthquake. It was only a gentle shaking around here, much like when
a big overweight truck drives by, but it was an earthquake nevertheless.
And considering the epicenter was 165 miles away in San Simeon, I’d
say either it traveled well or I’m particularly sensitive, something
I’ve never had a girlfriend point out as one of my major attributes,
but hey, if we can suddenly develop allergies and start catching poison
ivy later in life I guess anything’s possible.
So now I sit and wait for the hail,
waterspouts, locusts, frogs and other plagues Charlton Heston — I
mean, Moses — warned us about. I’m sure they’re on the way and, to
tell the truth, I’m not the least bit surprised. It was inevitable
that sooner or later we’d have to pay for the sins of putting a man on
the moon, allowing Dan Quayle to step inside the White House, and
putting A Simple Life on the air.
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Actually I’m
more worried about unnatural disasters, like Reese’s Peanut Butter
Puffs cereal and Michael Jackson’s startling resemblance to one of the
aliens on The X-Files. |
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I know you’re sitting there clucking your tongue and saying the
only sin I’m paying for is living in California. Okay, it’s true we
have earthquakes, mud slides, wildfires, and shark attacks — and I
don’t mean the lawyers who circle after each disaster, ready to file a
lawsuit at the drop of a brief — but the truth is they really don’t
bother me. Okay, the lawyers do, but that’s a personal problem.
Actually I’m more worried about unnatural disasters, like Reese’s
Peanut Butter Puffs cereal, Michael Jackson’s startling resemblance to
one of the aliens on The X-Files, and the prospect of the 3-hour
TV special, Ryan and Trista’s Messy Divorce, which you know is
bound to happen. Hey, it wouldn’t be the first marriage to go down in
flames because of an overabundance of pink.
The truth is, no matter where you
live you’ll find natural disasters. India has monsoon rains. Taiwan
gets hit by typhoons. Even the island paradise of Montserrat has a
volcano that blows its top from time to time just make sure we get the
message that no place is perfect. There are landslides in the
Philippines, Switzerland has avalanches, and England has to deal with
Hugh Grant, cricket, and the haunting specter of the Spice Girls. Okay,
so some disasters are both unnatural and avoidable, that doesn’t make
them any less scary.
Here in the United States, those who
say they wouldn’t want to risk their lives by living in California are
usually saying it while sitting in hurricane-prone Florida, recuperating
after shoveling out from yet after another New England blizzard or, if
they live in any state that has mobile homes, sitting on their porch
scanning the skies for signs of a tornado. Arizona has droughts, New
Orleans gets flooded if the morning dew is heavy, and New Jersey, well,
living there is its own punishment, so natural disasters in the Garden
State are like kicking people when they’re down. Face it, if there
were a safe place to live don’t you think we’d all be there? And
we’d be complaining about the overcrowding, I’m sure.
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We can not drink and drive. We can double check our ballot
when we vote in the next election. We can refuse to go see Nightmare
at the Elm Street Convalescent Home when it comes out to make sure
it’s the last of that ridiculously overdone series. |
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But disasters can have a good side to them, too. Scientists said
this week’s California earthquake raised the mountains in the area by
about a foot. And you thought your 7-year-old nephew had a big growth
spurt. This is good news for those people who live on the mountain tops
and now have a better view of the ocean. The mountain growing, not your
nephew. With luck it will boost their property value by the same amount
it falls when people discover the house is sitting on a fault line.
Wildfires burn underbrush which can help prevent bigger wildfires,
volcanic eruptions enrich the soil with ash while spewing lava which
hardens into pumice so our feet can be callous-free and pampered, and
tornados, well, it’s too easy to say they help clear the neighborhood
of unsightly mobile homes, so let’s just say they give the Weather
Channel the footage it needs so they can air more specials like When
Good Funnel Clouds Go Bad.
Since natural disasters are
unavoidable, we need to not worry unduly about them occurring. After
all, there are plenty of disasters we can do something about. We can not
drink and drive. We can double check our ballot when we vote in the next
election. We can refuse to go see Nightmare at the Elm Street
Convalescent Home when it comes out to make sure it’s the last of
that ridiculously overdone series. And we can stop encouraging Tony
Danza to sing and dance, even though he does it pretty well for a boxer
who tries to act. Then again, we could pray that the power goes out in
the middle of his show. See, natural disasters can have a positive side.
©2003 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them before the disaster strikes and the lights go out.
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