End of Eating As We Know It
by Mad Dog
Like many other military
discoveries— such as gunpowder, the hydrogen bomb, and the buzz cut—this
one will undoubtedly filter down until we all get to use it, resulting
in lasting peace at the dinner table.
If scientists at the Defense Department have their way we’ll
soon be slapping a patch on our arm in lieu of downing a Big Mac, fries,
and large Coke. This means one day you’ll be able to walk into a
drugstore and say “Supersize it!” and they will, unlike now when
they laugh because you’re standing in front of the condom counter when
you say it.
The research is being conducted by the Combat Feeding Program,
the modern day version of those fine people who developed C-rations,
tried to convince us that creamed chipped beef is actually a food-like
substance, and made Spam a household word. Okay, so maybe it was Monty
Python that did the last one.
Anyway, it struck these scientists that it’s not always easy
for soldiers to eat three square meals a day when they have their hands
full in combat. So why not develop a patch—much like the nicotine
patch—that a soldier could wear on his or her arm? It would not only
help build strong bodies twelve ways, but would do it without their
having to take their finger off the trigger. Think of it as a
self-feeding Power Bar only better—after all, you don’t have to
taste a patch.
Like many other military discoveries—such as gunpowder, the
hydrogen bomb, and the buzz cut—this one will undoubtedly filter down
until we all get to use it, resulting in lasting peace at the dinner
table. And it will be about time. According to a recent survey conducted
for Kraft Kitchens, many of us have deeply entrenched mealtime rituals.
Seventy-nine percent sit at a certain place at the dinner table, 44
percent have assigned chores to do before or after the meal, and 17
percent said something the pollsters couldn’t understand because no
one taught them not to talk with their mouth full.
Amazingly, prune burgers are being served in schools around the country
and they’re getting away with it. Well, as long as they don’t tell
the kids what it is they’re eating and they keep the bun closed tight
so no one can see the wrinkles.
Once the Transdermal Nutrient Delivery System is available
through TV infomercials featuring a Brit in a bow tie we won’t be
having dinner anymore, therefore we won’t have any dinnertime fights
over who sits where, whose turn it is to do the dishes, or who talks
with their mouth open. Domestic bliss will reign. Well, at least until
we start fighting over who gets the last Tuna Helper patch.
Kids will love the food patch since it will mean an end to school
lunches. While they might miss their pizza, hamburgers, and
Wednesday-and-I-think-Friday, they won’t miss the new-fangled lunches
the government is trying to foist on them. These meals are a lot like
new math, new proficiency testing, and New Jersey. They stink. In the
case of the lunches it’s because they include such yummy dishes as
prune burgers and tofu ravioli. In the case of New Jersey it’s because
The prune burgers are being pushed by the California Prune Board,
a trade organization that exists to promote a product no one wants. If
they have their way, adding prune puree to hamburgers would become a
regular thing. And they’d make it mandatory that every column I write
has at least one good laxative joke. Amazingly, prune burgers are being
served in schools around the country and they’re getting away with it.
Well, as long as they don’t tell the kids what it is they’re eating
and they keep the bun closed tight so no one can see the wrinkles.
A company called Global Livestock Group is producing a feed supplement
for cattle in Uganda which will reduce their methane emission. You know,
what we call burping and farting.
The tofu, on the other hand, is being promoted by the Agriculture
Department, which being a part of the federal government makes it a
close relative of the Defense Department. It’s easy to tell the
difference between the two because one is dedicated to nurturing life
while the other ends it. Since the Agriculture Department thinks it’s
a good idea to lower the amount of fat children eat, they’ve proposed
that schools be allowed to increase the soy they add to meals.
In spite of the possibility of being served tofu pizza and soy
hash, this is actually a good idea. After all, the Worldwatch Institute
recently announced that for the first time in history there are as many
overweight people in the world as there are underfed ones, and since it
would be too much to ask that every overweight person give half of each
meal to someone who needs it, maybe adding prunes to unsuspecting kids’
diet will help tip the scales in the other direction.
If the food patch works on humans we could start using it on cows
too. A company called Global Livestock Group is producing a feed
supplement for cattle in Uganda which will reduce their methane
emission. You know, what we call burping and farting. Scientists say
methane emission contributes to global warming, much like burning oil,
driving cars, and listening to the presidential candidates. They hope
that by spraying the feed they’ll reduce methane gas by the equivalent
of 30 million tons of carbon dioxide, which is….well, a lot. I think.
Why don’t they abandon this goofy idea and put their energies
where it might do some good, like the Combat Feeding Program? Then they
could develop a food patch in Country Fresh Hay Flavor and the problem
would be solved. After all, it’s hard to burp and fart when you don’t
actually put anything in your stomach. Even for a cow.
Scientists say Nutri-Patch™ Brand Food Replacements won’t be
ready until 2025, which sounds rather optimistic for a government
project. But that’s just as well, since it means we have plenty of
time to enjoy our prune burgers while sitting in our customary chair at
the dinner table. But please, watch those methane emissions, will you?
©2000 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them while shopping for PB&J food patches..