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You Think That's
Humiliating?
by Mad Dog
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As my
third grade teacher said when she sent me from class to class with
chewing gum on my nose to teach me not to chew in class, “Humiliation
builds character. Now quit crying.” |
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A while back a New York
woman was passing through airport security when she was pulled aside for
additional screening. As a part of the screening she was patted down
while in view of other passengers. Now she’s filed a complaint with
the TSA because, as she says, “I’ve never been so humiliated in my
life.” I don’t want to belittle the dreadful, traumatic,
life-changing experience she had when she was patted down by a female
— yes, a female — screener much the same way thousands of others
have been, but I do have to wonder about her hyperbole. At least I hope
it’s hyperbole. After all, if that’s the most humiliating thing
that’s ever happened to her then she’s had a blessed life. And
probably a very boring one. Heck, I was more humiliated when I was seven
years old and Ralph Marchetti held me down while Bobby Bagley put a worm
on my forehead. I was far more humiliated when I went with my mother to
get my first athletic supporter for gym and, when the clerk asked what
size I needed, my mother said, “Small. A half a peanut shell and a
rubber band will do.” I could keep going, but you get the idea. Not to
mention that if I dredge up too many of these I may need to get the
therapy so many people tell me I should be getting. But face it, if this
woman has never had anything more humiliating happen to her than being
wanded by an airport screener then maybe she needs to do more traveling
so she can get out of the house and live a little more. As my third
grade teacher said when she sent me from class to class with chewing gum
on my nose to teach me not to chew in class, “Humiliation builds
character. Now quit crying.”
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If
you want humiliation, I’ll give you humiliation. How about being on Extreme
Makeover and going from having a weak chin, cellulite, and small
chest to looking like a bad imitation of a drag queen? For that matter,
how about the humiliation of being on the Jerry Springer Show? |
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That’s good advice. We should all count our blessings and be
grateful that our humiliation is short term. After all, think about poor
Julia Roberts’ son, he’s got a lifetime of humiliation in front of
him. It’s not that there’s anything inherently wrong with being
Roberts’ son — well, as long as none of your friends ever get a
glimpse of Mom playing Tinkerbell in Hook — no, the problem is
that he won’t want to tell anyone his name. Roberts, who recently had
twins and may use post-partum insanity as a defense, named the kids
Hazel and Phinnaeus. Yes, Phinnaeus. I guess she figured Apple was just
too dumb a name. So what are they going to call him, Finny? Fin? Us?
Actually the psychological effect of the humiliation is the least of his
problems, he’d better hope the family has good medical insurance
because he’s going to get his butt kicked more times than John
Ashcroft at an ACLU convention.
Of course
Phinnaeus’ humiliation will be mitigated somewhat when he brings
friends home and they meet Mom. Well, as long as she doesn’t do what
some South Korean parents are doing these days — having their
child’s umbilical cord gold plated. It’s true. Apparently keeping
umbilical cords has been a time honored tradition in South Korea, much
like serving kim chee to foreign visitors and laughing when the
tops of their heads explode. Since not everyone wants to stick a dried
piece of their child in a scrapbook or watch it floating in a jar of
formaldehyde on the mantle, a company named U&I Impressions has come
to the rescue by offering to preserve it in acrylic resin or gold
plating it. This creates its own set of problems. Can you imagine how
humiliating it must be to have your friends come over and see your
umbilical cord mounted on a plaque on the wall and notice it’s encased
in low-rent acrylic? How embarrassing! How do you explain to them that
you’re so unimportant to your parents that they wouldn’t spring for
gold?
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How
humiliating would it be to win a seat on the city council by winning a
coin toss? That’s what happened to G.P. Sloan of Groveland, FL who
couldn’t manage to get one lousy vote more than the 689 his opponent
received. |
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But that’s nothing. If you want humiliation, I’ll give you
humiliation. How about being on Extreme Makeover and going from
having a weak chin, cellulite, and small chest to looking like a bad
imitation of a drag queen? For that matter, how about the humiliation of
being on the Jerry Springer Show? And that goes for guests and
audience members alike. You think you’ve been humiliated? Imagine how
the citizens of Lampassas, TX feel. They’re holding a raffle to raise
money to build a fence around a middle school in which the winner will
get — are you ready for this? — a rifle. And not just any rifle, one
donated by their state Representative. Unless the real plan is to make
the director’s cut of Bowling for Columbine and cash in on the
publicity, they should feel completely humiliated.
Think about it, how humiliating would
it be to win a seat on the city council by winning a coin toss? That’s
what happened to G.P. Sloan of Groveland, FL who couldn’t manage to
get one lousy vote more than the 689 his opponent received. Of course
how humiliated do you think Richard Flynn is, the guy who lost? Speaking
of elections, how about those Democrats who were humiliated again in
spite of a bad economy, a nasty war, a huge budget deficit, no
apologies, and no plans to fix anything?
Consider this the next time you say
you’ve never been so humiliated in your life. Especially if you’re
saying it because you just spent 30 seconds being patted down in an
airport. Really, that’s not so bad. But filing a complaint with the
TSA over it? Now that’s humiliating.
©2004 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Read them, but don't let anyone catch you or you might feel
humiliated.
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