Too Lazy To Come Up With a Title
by Mad Dog
You can tell me Im crazy, that you work
14-hour days six days a week, but in your heart you know the only reason youre doing
that is youre too lazy to find a job where they treat you decently.
||Of all the Deadly Sinspride, greed,
envy, anger, lust, gluttony, sloth, and wearing white after Labor Dayonly one is
named after an animal, and thats sloth. Which came first, the sin or the animal, is
a question better left to theologians, etymologists, and other people who spent years
getting advanced degrees because they were too slothful to go out and get a job. Our
concern today is why "human" isnt another word for laziness.
"Hey! Whos he calling lazy?" youre muttering to yourself, then
calling out, "Honey, would you get me a pen and paper so I can write this guy a nasty
letter? And while youre at it, can you grab me a beer, push this button on the
remote, and pull my shirt down over my stomach?"
Admit it: were humans, therefore were lazy. Why do
you think one-third of adult American women are overweight, 14 percent of children are
obese, and you cant fit into those pants you bought three months ago? You can tell
me Im crazy, that you work 14-hour days six days a week, but in your heart you know
the only reason youre doing that is youre too lazy to find a job where they
treat you decently.
Its not just you. And its not just me. Its
all of us. Parents are too lazy to teach their kids responsibility. Kids are too lazy to
pull out their fake ID to get into the movies so they buy tickets to Muppets From Space
and sneak into South Park. Movie studios dont care, since theyre so lazy they
just keep recycling old movies and TV shows anyway. Hey, putting out something original
would take work.
When I tried to cash in all that time I saved it didnt do me any good. There were
still only 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, and 24 hours in the day.
|| Record companies,
now theyre lazy. They take good looking teenagers, hire studio musicians and
professional songwriters, then teach the kids to dance and dress well because its
easier than searching out the real talent thats out there. And CNN. If they
werent so lazy theyd go out and dig up more real news rather than spending two
days of airtime (48! Count em, 48 hours!) showing us the same tired JFK, Jr. footage
over and over while everyone they could find whod even heard of John, Jr. droned on
Then theres the government. Congress is
too lazy to tackle real solutions so they pass legislation allowing the Ten Commandments
to be posted in schools. The President is so lazy he cant be bothered walking
upstairs to find Hillary, so he has interns make office visits. And the CIA! Theyre
so lazy they didnt even bother to find out where the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade was
located. Though I must say they certainly got motivated afterwards. Once they whoopsed
the embassy into oblivion, they sent letters to 31 other embassies asking them to confirm
their location. Its not their fault if fourteen came back marked, "Moved, left
no forwarding address."
A lot of our laziness is done in the name of saving time. I
have news for you, time cant be saved. Ive done plenty of things to save time.
Ive consolidated errands into one trip. Ive checked my email while the
printers spitting out a letter. Ive even worn my clothes in the shower so I
could wash them and myself at the same time. But then when I tried to cash in all that
time I saved it didnt do me any good. There were still only 60 seconds in a minute,
60 minutes in an hour, and 24 hours in the day. So when do I get to use all that time I
We love ATMs, but do they save time? More often than not
youre in line waiting to get to the ATM just like you would be inside the bank. The
difference is you dont have to get out of your car and the teller doesnt have
to wait on you. Thats twice as much laziness. I mean, time saved.
We have to break this cycle of laziness, but how? We could muster all our will power, but
that would be a lot of work. We could buy self-help books, but only if we can order them
from Amazon.com and have UPS deliver them to our door.
|| None of us like
to think of ourselves as lazy. Thats why we hide it behind a lot of excuses. We
dont have time. Were too busy. Time is money. If this last one was really true
dont you think Einstein would have come up with t=m instead of that e thing of his?
Gas stations are in the forefront of trying to help us be lazy, or as they call it in
self-help groups from AA to ZZ, enabling. First they switched to self-service (except in
New Jersey and Oregon where its still illegal to pump your own gas). True,
self-serve is cheaper, but does it save any time or effort? We work harder, pumping our
own gas while the attendant doesnt work at all. Then they installed pay-at-the-pump
systems which should be Times Invention of the Millennium since they save us from
having to walk 20 whole feet to a booth to pay someone.
Now, in their quest to make us all look like giant pears,
Shell, Mobil, and BP Amoco are testing robots that find the gas tank, remove the special
gas cap, fill the tank, screw the cap back on, and rub oil-stained rags on your
windshield, all in two minutes and without your having to leave the comfort of your car.
Does it get any lazier than this?
In Pakistan it does. Theyre so lazy in the Khost
province they dont even bother thinking up names anymore. Osama is now the number
one name for baby boys. But since they cant get enough of a good thing theyre
also naming drug stores, clothing stores, and even a public school Osama. This might not
be so bad except Osama is Osama bin Laden, the suspected terrorist whos on the
FBIs 10 Most Wanted List. Face it, if they were just a little less lazy theyd
go out and find a decent role model.
We have to break this cycle of laziness, but how? We could
muster all our will power, but that would be a lot of work. We could buy self-help books,
but only if we can order them from Amazon.com and have UPS deliver them to our door. We
might consider joining a 12-step program like Laziness Anonymous but that would mean
taking a shower, changing our clothes, driving our car, walking from the parking lot to
the meeting place, and worse yet, having to make that long trek home afterwards. True, we
could host the meetings at our house, but then wed have to vacuum, buy refreshments,
and even get up to answer the door god-knows-how-many times.
Im sure theres an answer here somewhere, but to
tell the truth Im not in the mood to think hard about this. Id rather go lay
down for a while. Would you mind bringing the couch over here so I dont have to walk
all the way across the room?
©1999 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read
them while you drive to save time.