The New and Improved Olympics
by Mad Dog

   There’s no question the Olympics are special. After all, it’s not every day you see someone running through the streets carrying a lit torch. Well, not unless you live in the inner city, are watching footage of WTO demonstrations, or catch the final scene of Frankenstein Runs the 3000-Meter Steeplechase. It’s also not every day you can hear sports announcers repeatedly say shuttlecock while trying not to snicker, learn that men don’t wear bloomers when they play field hockey, and watch competitors win gold medals for flitting around twirling ribbons in the name of rhythmic gymnastics.

   There are a lot of differences between the original Olympics and the current ones. For one thing, the modern Olympics are held every two years, rotating between summer and winter sports. Obviously the ancient Greeks didn’t have the winter Olympics because ice skates, Red Buttons, the Ice Capades, and the Jamaican bobsled team hadn’t been invented yet. On the other hand, they did have the feta throw, synchronized Spartan toss, and Greek-style wrestling (*wink*wink*) so you know they had fun.

   An example of how things have changed is the pentathlon (from the Greek “penta” for five and “athlon” for incongruous combination of sports). The modern pentathlon includes shooting, fencing, swimming, riding, running, and telling the truth. Sorry, that last one’s the modern sodium pentathol. These are much handier skills for modern people to know than the originals, since they can be put to good use in everyday life, especially if you’re a bank robber, drug addict, or go to a public school. There’s already talk of updating this event for the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. They’re hoping to launch the post-modern pentathlon, which will include the 40GB iPod song shuffle, the 300dB cell phone shout, the marathon coffee drink order, and the SUV demolition derby. Needless to say, the uniforms will be all black.

   Traditionally the Olympics have been about royalty sports, like equestrians (“The sport of kings”), badminton (“The sport of princes”), and synchronized swimming (“The sport of queens”). In the last Olympics they added fresh, new, exciting events like trampoline, triathlon, taekwondo, and synchronized diving. This year there’s only one new event — catfighting. I mean, women’s wrestling. Hopefully sponsored by Jell-o.

   If they really want people to watch the Olympics they need to make some bigger changes. An event like the 400-meter Shark Dodge would definitely get people to tune in. Dumping that boring greco-roman wrestling and letting the WWE take over would do wonders for the sport. Hell, I’ll put my money on The Rock over Rulon Gardner any day. They should quit shooting air rifles and let Arnold — I mean, Governor Schwarzenegger — compete with an AK-47 and all the bandoliers he can fit around his chest. And instead of shooting arrows at targets, why don’t they set up Athenà and Phèvos, this year’s Olympic mascots, and let everyone have a go at them?

   But alas, it’s too late to make changes this year. Not to worry. Just sit back, relax, pop a couple of dolmas in your mouth, chase them with some ouzo, and throw a few plates — hey, there’s an event they could have held that would only be appropriate this year — and enjoy yourself. Let the games begin!

©2004 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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