by Mad Dog

     Sex is on a lot of people’s minds. I’m sure this comes as no surprise to you since, if you’re like most red-blooded Americans, you’re probably thinking about it at this very moment—who you’d like to be doing it with, why it would be more fun than what you’re doing right now, why you don’t have more of it, and if you’re President Clinton, why you have to get Arkansas State Troopers to set it up for you.

     As a nation we’re pretty much obsessed by sex. While this is fine for the average person, we expect more from our role models. Like cops, for instance. That’s why it’s particularly shocking that a group of Salt Lake City vice detectives recently spent three weeks undertaking the most incredibly disgusting job of their careers—sitting around watching 1,200 adult movies. And getting paid to do it no less. All without having to risk being seen entering a sleazy theater, sitting on a sticky seat next to some guy in a raincoat holding a bottomless popcorn box, or spending hours surfing the Internet looking for the free sex sites they overheard their kids tell their friends about.

     This came about because the Salt Lake City vice squad seized the tapes when they raided a magazine store and, well, someone has to go over the evidence, don’t they? A spokesman for the police force swears they’re trying to get through the tapes as quickly as possible, which you women will recognize as a typical male trait when it comes to sex. The reason for this, by the way, is less one of being self-centered and non-caring, as most women believe, but is actually more a desire to safeguard the male sex organ.

     As anyone who’s ever seen a baseball player, a construction worker, or Michael Jackson will attest, men are very concerned with their penises. That’s why they grab them so much—they want to make sure it’s still there and intact. And why shouldn’t they? John Wayne Bobbitt left his unguarded and you remember what happened to his. And more recently, James Van Gorder of Detroit forgot to keep an eye on his and now he’s suing a chiropractic clinic for damages. Thank God for the penal code.

     It seems Van Gorder was getting a chiropractic exam recently (which is defined by the A.M.A. as "Money out of our pockets") when he rolled over on his stomach and—here’s where he should have been paying closer attention—let his genitals fall between two parts of the table. When the chiropractor adjusted the table Van Gorder was, well, caught between a table and a not-so-hard place.

     At least Van Gorder had a penis, which is something every prospective bride should remember to check for in spite of the Christian Coalition’s request that unmarried couples refrain from pretending that their partner is of the opposite sex. Had Correen Zahnzinger of Santa Ana, California had the foresight to do this she wouldn’t be taking her husband to court. Or whoever that was she married.

     After dating for nearly two years, Correen and Antonio Marciano, like any couple in love, got married. Imagine Correen’s surprise when seven months later Antonio turned out to be a woman named Valerie. Her lawyer—that’s the Correen ‘her’, not the husband ‘her’—claims the two had a sexual relationship but doesn’t elaborate on the point, which is just as well. There are some things in life that are better left alone, like this and what that indelible orange dye is that lets people know you ate Cheetos sometime within the past twelve months.

     Before you jump to any conclusions though, Antonio/Valerie may have a valid defense. Maybe his penis was snatched. While this may be rare here in the United States, it’s becoming a major problem in Ghana, where sorcerers have taken to touching men, then telling them that their penises will shrink or disappear unless they pay to have the spell reversed. Even though medical experts have gone on television to explain why penises enlarge and contract—"I’m not a government penis expert, but I play one on TV"—angry mobs are taking matters into their own hands. Quit snickering, it isn’t what you think. So far at least a dozen sorcerers have been lynched, though there are no reports about what body part they were strung up by.

     We’ve covered a lot of ground today, so let’s sum up what we’ve learned. First, America is obsessed with sex. Second, if you think going to a chiropractor will save you money forget it, you’ll only have to go to the doctor afterwards anyway. And finally, remember to always look twice before crossing the street. And getting married. Oh yeah, there’s one last thing. If someone snatches your penis in Salt Lake City don’t call a cop. They’ll be too busy watching porno flicks.

©1997 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Especially those which aren't afraid of the word penis.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country.
Especially those which aren't afraid of the word penis.